Ultimate Wingnut Challenge: Pod People
The votes have been tallied in our historic contest between The Korner Kids and the Media Wingnuts ... and John Podhoretz has been exiled from the island.
But wait! Who is that in the battleship, racing to the island to save JPod? Why, it's his father, Stormin' Norman Podhoretz.
Norm Johnsfather wades to shore, and throws a really long column from last year at us, declaring that this attack on his son means World War IV. He offers his own rhetoric as a replacement for his son's lame offering (which, as even he admits, was a disgrace to the cause, failing as it did to mention Hillary's lesbianism, her affair with Vince Foster, and her radical socialist plan to destroy the nuclear family by giving away your dog if she ever becomes President).
Norm's work explains how the Iraq War is actually a continuation of our war against the Kaiser, Nazis, Commies, and Tooth Decay.
[Our new enemy's] objective is not merely to murder as many of us as possible and to conquer our land. Like the Nazis and Communists before him, he is dedicated to the destruction of everything good for which America stands.
Yeah, he hates us because of our freedom and our premium ice cream. And so, like Superman, we must fight a never ending battle for truth, justice, the American Way, the flag, and the republic for which it stands.
Anyway, Norm has several more pages of this stuff -- it includes a discussion of the five pillars of the Bush doctrine, a history of the 20th century, and the exciting story of how he used to be a famous liberal intellectual, but founded the neo-con movement once he realized that his former friends were all dirty, smelly hippies ("It all started on a 5000-watt radio station in Fresno, California"). But I think the snippet we quoted was enough to demonstrate that JPod will never be the wingnut his father is.
So, he's won a reprieve for his lackjuster son. If kicking JPod off the island is part of the destruction of everything good for which America stands, then maybe we'll eliminate our runner-up loser, Jonah Goldberg, instead of Johnny boy.
But just as we say that, a big, blonde woman shows up and demands a chance to defend HER progeny. She provides us with a copy of a 2002 interview she gave to The Women's Quarterly, which includes this intro:
When Luci speaks, you'd better listen. Lucianne is an expert on the foibles of the human heart. Remember how she got Monica Lewinsky to keep that semen-stained Gap dress in its-er--pristine condition? Lewinsky was on the verge of sending the outfit to the evidence-destroying cleaners before a party. Canny Luci told Linda Tripp, said secretary, to inform image conscious Lewinsky that the historic frock made her look fat. That meant that it was saved for Ken Starr--and for posterity.
Hey, being the mother of the stained blue dress is way wingnuttier than being one of the founders of the neo-cons. So, a point to Lucianne.
And Lucianne points us to her own Iraq war commentary, which shows how wingnuttery should be done, Norman.
TWQ: Where do you stand on Iraq?
GOLDBERG: Oh, I think we should go pave it. Blow it off the face of the earth. Just boom, boom, boom. Kill people, break things, get it over with. Take a long weekend and finish the job.
And that, folks, is the five pillars of the Bush Doctrine in one short paragraph.
Now, Mrs. Goldberg stands up for her son.
TWQ: Who's your favorite male political columnist?
GOLDBERG: Michael Kelly and Charles Krauthammer. Michael Kelly is kind of a fighting Irish; he doesn't take any prisoners. He just says it like it is. Krauthammer cuts through all the mess. If you want to understand an issue, all you gotta do is read one Krauthammer column on the subject, and you've got it.
Ouch! That's gotta hurt, Jonah! But it's nice that she voted for one of your rivals from the Respected Conservative Thinkers team instead of one of your immediate opponents. (No, wait, she said that Michelle Malkin is one of her favorite female columnists ("I like the young ones. I like the ones who have fight in them"), and mentions Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter, "who kicks butt from here to Kansas" and has "long blond hair to flip" while laughing like a hyena So, I guess she wants to back a winning team (which isn't going to be the Korner Kids).
But even though her support for the fruit of her womb was rinda pathetic, she has clearly bested Norm in the wingnutty parent competition, and so I guess Jonah gets to stick around for another round, and we'll fire JPod as originally planned.
So, Sodomy Derb and Fanboy Jonah are are only two remaining contestants on the Korner Kids team. Will they both survive their next match? (While Vegas is calling Jonah "Dead Wingnut Punditing," inside sources say that Lucianne is sending young Jonah to military school, to toughen him up for the big bout. So, it's not over until it's over.)
And while this was a resounding defeat for the Korner Kids, it was a glorious victory for the Media Wingnuts (the score was 41 to 11). So, according to the rules, the Media Wingnuts get to pick somebody new to join their team. And they have invited the celebrated journalist JimJeff Guckert Gannon to join their ranks!
Jeff seems delighted to be chosen, even after he's told that he won't be paid $200 an hour or $1200 a weekend for his participation. Jeff, who has been blogging about Cindy Sheehan all week, offers an excerpt from this piece to show off his wingnut prowess, and hopefully impress his new comrades.
The antiwar playbook hasn’t been updated since the 1960s and what worked then to turn a nation against the struggle to stop the spread of Communist tyranny isn’t going to be successful in 2005. Cable television, talk radio and the Internet has destroyed the Old Media’s ability to significantly influence public opinion. Already, there have been counter-demonstrations that support the United States’ efforts in the global war on terror and other mothers who have lost sons are able to come forward to say that their sacrifice is for a noble cause.
Yes, if Jeff and his New Media had been around in the 1960s, we'd still be in Vietnam. And that would be a GOOD thing. And it's impressive the way that this New Media has caused people to demonstrate in favor of global war -- it can't make them actually enlist, but still ...
But the best of Jeff's recent work is from a few days back, when he relived his glory days (he once got to interview Joseph Wilson, you know, and was the first to ask Wilson about a WSJ story which appears to have been based on the same State Dept document that may have tipped off senior White House officials to Plame's identity and position in the CIA). But that's not exactly the story that Jeff is recalling.
So potent is the story I wrote last year posts about the Kerry campaign cutting Joe Wilson loose that when columnist Robert Novak referenced it a few days ago, liberal talking points were released in an effort to refute it.
Um, yeah. And so potent is the story about how every soda can pop-top you save will buy 5 minutes of dialysis for a litte girl in Texas with failing kidneys, that efforts to refute it are released all the time. And the fact that Jeff's story was rebutted yet again only proves Jeff's incredible influence and power.
But on to the Wilson bashing!
Wilson is a fraud and it may turn out that Plame and her associates at the CIA will have been caught running an operation against a sitting president. If there is "frog-marching" to be done, perhaps it will be from Langley.
Yes, that's the stuff, Jeff! When Fitzgerald arrests somebody, it won't be Karl Rove and Scooter Libby, it will be the CIA.
Not coincidentally, Sandy Berger suffered the same fate as Wilson after the Clinton National Security Advisor was caught removing and later destroying highly classified documents from the National Archives. He stuffed papers that would reveal embarrassing information to the 9/11 Commission about the Clinton administration's failures in dealing with the threat of terrorism into his trousers. Until that time, he like Wilson was a senior foreign policy advisor to Kerry.
Liberals who are shrill about the leak of Plame's name are oddly silent about Berger's offense. They are not the least bit interested in what he had in his pants, but can't stop talking about what might be in mine.
Jeff, we know that you're proud of that line, but sadly, people stopped talking about what might be in your pants months ago.
But hey, don't let that stop you from talking about Berger's pants.
Rep. Curt Weldon's claim that a military intelligence group tracking three of the 9/11 hijackers in 1999 were prevented from sharing that information with the FBI has reignited a debate over conclusions reached by the 9/11 Commission. It appears that the information was kept from the Commission by staffers.
Was this information contained in the highly classified memos Sandy Berger illegally removed from the National Archives and later destroyed?
No, Jeff, it wasn't. While we can understand that. as of last Thursday, you'd still be on the Weldon bandwagon (despite the fact that the more canny wingnuts had already jumped off by then, and the smarter ones knew right from the first that Weldon was a nut with a book to sell, and never jumped on in the first place). But there is no excuse to not have gotten the word yet about how the Berger documents were COPIES printed of pdf COMPUTER DOCUMENTS, and that the prosecutor and the National Archives know exactly what was on them (and it wasn't "Able Danger" info).
So, Jeff, while you are on the right team, you are going to have to be a tad less clueless if you want to stick around long enough to become Rush's new best buddy. For now, just try to avoid Ann, who can kick your butt all the way to Kansas, all while flipping her blonde hair and braying like a donkey. And stay away from Jonah's mother too, if you know what's good for you.
2:30:56 AM 
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