Ultimate Wingnut Challenge: The Townhall Columnsts Vs. the Respected Conservative Thinkers
Today the Townhall Team (VBen Shapiro, Dr. Mike Adams, and Doug Giles) take on their rivals, The Respected Conservative Thinkers (Charles Krauthammer, Midge Decter and David Brooks). Since the Townhall Team seems to be under the impression that they can become respected (and thinkers) by besting their foes, they are really pumped up about the match. However, in an effort to give the RCTs a fighting chance, we will implement Doghouse Riley's suggestion, and try to level the playing field -- because we know that conservatives hate that.
1. First up is Townhaller Doug Giles with "School Daze."
Thesis: Public schools are hives of scum and villainy.
Handicap: Doug must make his point using only creative comparisons (but not the thing that he is comparing them to). He gets extra points if he can work in at least 5 pop culture refs.
Excerpt:
...get thrashed like Ed Klein’s new book at Hillary’s house.
... suffer more abuse than Napoleon Dynamite would attempting to walk on with the Miami Dolphins during their training camp.
... booty dance like one of Snoop Dogg’s hoochie mamas
... more jaded regarding their jobs and your children than Aileen Wuornos was with men.
... resembles the bantered blather at one of Michael Moore’s backyard nacho and beer blow out parties.
... a crippled, deaf, blind, rejected-by-its-mother, newborn wildebeest on the Serengeti plains has a greater chance of coming out okay than ...
... pulling to the left harder than Jenny Wilbanks’ goggled eye.
Okay, we will let Doug offer his conclusion without editorial interference:
Pray that they do not become squishy, malleable little poodle followers, but instead grow into intellectually rough and tumble, sharp, solid and smart bulldogs for God and country.
Because God and country need more bulldogs, and the public schools don't allow pets. And that's why Doug home schools his puppies.
2. Okay, that was pretty wingnutty, but now it's time to hear from the captain of the RCT team, Charles Krauthammer. His talent number is entitled "Israeli withdrawal is correct and necessary"
Thesis: Although Israel is doing the right thing by withdrawing from Gaza, it needs to show the world that it isn't a wimp, or Condi Rice won't respect it.
Affirmative Action: Since Charles's syndicated columns are featured at TownHall (among other places), he doesn't deserve much of a boost, since it's not like he's writing for a more refined audience than Doug. So, all the help we can offer him is a better name: therefore, for today he will be known as Charlie Cabbagemallet.
Excerpt:
The first problem is that while the fences do prevent terrorist infiltration, they do nothing about rockets. For months, Palestinians have been firing rockets from Gaza into towns within Israel proper. The attacks are momentarily in suspension, but with the enhanced ability to smuggle in weapons from Egypt and with no Israeli patrols looking for them, the attacks will resume and get far worse.
What to do? Something Israel should have done long ago: active and relentless deterrence. Israel should announce that henceforth, any rocket launched from Palestinian territory will immediately trigger a mechanically automatic response in which five Israeli rockets will be fired back. There will be no human intervention in the loop. Every Palestinian rocket landing in Israel will instantly trigger sensors and preset counter-launchers. Any Palestinian terrorist firing up a rocket will know that he is triggering six: one Palestinian and five Israeli.
Sure, having automatic "five eyes for an eye, five teeth for a tooth" mechanical responses sounds like a good idea, but if Star Trek (not to mention War Games) have taught us anything, it's that computer-lauched missile attacks never end happily, unless Captain Kirk and/or Matthew Broderick get involved. And I don't know if we can count on them anymore.
Anyway, as you can see, Charles doesn't actually need any special assistance, because he's plenty wingnutty on his own.
3. But now we'll give the stage to a guy who earned a Ph.D. in wingnuttery, Dr. Mike S. Adams. His talent number is called "The University of Nude Copulating Asians" (so he's already won the Best Title award for this round).
Thesis: The University of North Carolina sucks.
Example this week: UNC-Asheville showed a film which claims that Asian men in America aren't seen as manly and virile, as demonstrated by the fact that they aren't featured in porn movies (although Asian women are well-represented in such films). A blogger (who is also a tax payer, and who has kids who may someday attend college!) saw a brochure for the film, and thought it sounded offensive -- so he attended a showing. Dr. Mike interviews him about his experience.
Handicap: Geez, being Dr. Mike is handicap enough.
Excerpt:
Mark R: Indeed it was an experience.It was a film called "Masters of the Pillow", produced by a professor of Asian-American studies out at U.C. Davis named Darrel Hamamoto. ... The pamphlet described the basic premise of the film, which was that Dr. Hamamoto felt Asian-American men had become emasculated by popular American culture.
[...]
Mike Adams: I think there are two troubling aspects here. First of all, you are probably aware that the educational attainment of Asians is very high in this country. I’m sure you are also aware that the Asian crime rate is very low - as is the Asian illegitimacy rate. That is due largely to the strength of Asian families. I would hardly expect an intelligent person to seek to revolutionize Asian American culture by pushing men into the porn industry and promoting promiscuity.
Yeah, Asian men should be happy they've been emasculated by popular American culture, since it gives them more time to achieve high educational levels, and helps keep Asian American illegitimacy rates low.
Now, here's Dr. Mike's conclusion:
Mike S. Adams ( www.DrAdams.org ) can still remember the time that UNC feminists prevented the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders from coming to campus. The feminists, who were offended (read: threatened) by the cheerleaders did not, however, consider filming them in live sex acts with Asian football players. That would have changed everything in the eyes of diversity proponents.
Yeah, the feminists were offended (read: threatened) by the cheerleaders. However, Dr, Mike was offended (but not at all threatened!) by the studly Asian man who appeared in "Masters of the Pillow." And it means nothing that Mike gets E.D. in the presence of feminists, while the Asian guy doesn't.
4. Now, here's Respected Conservative Thinker Midge "Normanswife Johnsmother" Decter. Her most recent effort (that I could find) is from the Hillsdale College journal, and was taken from a speech she gave at HIllsdale last year. It's entitled Civil Unions: Compromise or Surrender?
Thesis: Gay sex is icky, and it causes AIDS -- and that's why homosexuals shouldn't be allowed to have civil unions.
Excerpt:
Though AIDS was a disease contracted by a species of sexual behavior that might have straightened the curls of many a fashionable lady to hear about, the issue was spoken of in polite circles as a kind of mysterious tragedy that struck out of the blue. And finally, men dying of the disease were not merely pitied but positively beatified among the artistic community in both song and story - song and story, indeed, in which the word "angels" figured heavily
Affirmative Action: We let Midge get by with an old work, because she's old.
Also, here's the REST of the story, and part of the speech that Hillsdale didn't include in their journal. It comes courtesy of the Hillsdale Collegian. (Apparently, Hilldale's Stepford conditioning didn't take all the way on some of the students, to include the writer of this piece, and a few kids who walked on out Midge.)
Students who were offended by conservative author and social critic Midge Decter's speech, given during this fall's "Marriage and the Family" Center for Constructive Alternatives seminar, may be surprised to see her speech featured in the November issue of Imprimis .
Approximately 10 students walked out of the question-and-answer period following Decter's lecture, "Civil Unions: Compromise or Surrender?," after she asserted that heterosexual intercourse does not lead to the spread of AIDS.
[...]
Decter, in her speech, asserted that AIDS was "A mortal disease contracted one of two ways: either a common form of homosexual mating or through the use of dirty needles for injecting heroin."
Douglas Jeffrey, the vice president of external affairs and editor of Imprimis, however, said he feels students are missing-and misinterpreting-Decter's point.
"Someone in the audience took Ms. Decter to be saying that homosexual activity and dirty needles were the only ways, period," he said. "After some confusion, Ms. Decter made it clear, except perhaps to a few who might not have been listening, for one reason or another, that of course there are other ways to contract AIDS-she specifically mentioned those who have contracted it from contaminated blood-but that she had been speaking of the early years of the epidemic in America."
So, there are three ways to contract AIDS: disgusting homosexual anal sex, dirty needles, and transfusions from contaminated blood. That's it.
I think we should all attend Hillsdale college, so we can continue to get vital information like this.
5. And here's the littlest Townhaller, Ben Shapiro, with his widely aclaimed manifeso " Why the 'Chickenhawk' argument is un-American: Part I."
Thesis: Everybody can just stop asking Ben when he's going to fight in the war that he thinks is so great, because the Constitution says he doesn't have to enlist!
Handicap: Ben was so overwrought about the unfairness of expecting him to serve in the military like a common state college student, that he failed to include many of the standard VBen items we've come to know and love. So, I added them for him (they're in bold). This may or may not be viewed as a handicap, but I enjoyed it.
Excerpt:
The "chickenhawk" argument also explicitly rejects the Constitution itself. As I learned at Harvard Law School (I attend Harvard Law, by the way), the Constitution provides that civilians control the military. The president of the United States is commander-in-chief, whether or not he has served in the military. Congress controls the purse strings and declares war, no matter whether any of its members have served in the military or not For foreign policy doves to high-handedly declare that military service is a prerequisite to a hawkish foreign policy mindset is not only dangerous, but directly conflicts with the Constitution itself. Therefore, making fun of me is unconstitutional. As it says in my book, Generation Porn, "I'm 21 years old, a columnist, an author, a graduate of UCLA, a Harvard law student -- and a virgin. And I'm proud of it." And the Constitution also says that you're just jealous.
[...]
American soldiers fight for the right of all Americans, regardless of race, class or past service, to speak out on foreign policy issues. If they fight for the right of pacifist anti-military fifth columnists like Michael Moore (who is fat) to denigrate their honor, they certainly fight for the right of civilian hawks (like me, and my girlfriend Ann Coulter) to speak up in favor of the highest level of moral and material support for their heroism. And by speaking up, we civilian hawks are doing just as much for the war effort as the grunts in the trenches. My future wife, Ann Coulter, agrees with me on this.
Ben is correct, btw. The Constitution doesn't say that hypocrisy is illegal. He has the right to push for a war that he doesn't choose to serve in, just as everybody else has the right to mock him for it. That's what makes America great.
6. Lastly, let's hear from Respected Conservative Thinker David Brooks.
Oh, wait, it seems that he's on vacation this week. Again. Even though we were going to cut him some slack, since he does write for the NY Times, and since he did have to travel with kids on the vacation he took last month, we just can't keep excusing him. So, he's off the island!
He will be replaced by Armstrong Williams, a conservative thinker so respected that the Bush Administration secretly paid him for his opining (which more than qualifies him for a spot on this team, and a place in this contest). Armstrong's latest column is called "Um, Officer..." It probably wasn't sponsored by the Department of Justice.
Thesis: Bored housewives keep trying to have their way with innocent policemen, firemen, traveling salesmen, etc. The selfish bitches should leave some hunks for lonely columnists!
Affirmative Action: Hey, he got to replace Bobo Brooks. What more does he want?
Excerpt:
Pop Quiz: You’re a Cop. You respond to a domestic abuse call. You bang on the door. The door opens. Standing before you, like a sight of ineffable grandeur, is a bored housewife. Her body rocks big time. She isn’t wearing anything. What do you do? That’s the choice my friend on the DC police force faces a few times a month. He wouldn’t say whether he ever laid down on the job. But he said more and more police officers are responding to calls for burglary and prowlers, only to find oiled housewives, introducing themselves with a salacious wink and suggesting a quick tryst against the sink. When the UPS or Federal Express persons make deliveries, they also experience similar occurrences.
We decided to investigate. We scoured local fire departments, pizza delivery joints and bars frequented by wild packs of traveling pharmaceutical sales reps, to see if they shared similar experiences. Everywhere we went the story was the same: Bored housewives suffering the pangs of withdrawal from a marriage that’s lost its luster start calling random men to their home in order to make life more interesting, i.e., more sexual.
"Dear Penthouse Forum, I'm a policeman in a small midwestern town who went out on a domestic violence call. But when the door at the residence opened, standing before me, like a sight of ineffable grandeur, was a naked, bored housewife! Her body rocked big time. So, I went home and called Armstrong Williams. That was a day I'll never forget!"
And so one day the bored housewife decides to let life imitate art. She slithers down the steps wearing a silk negligee to pay the pizza delivery boy. But is this fulfilling?
I guess it depends on how well the boy can deliver.
It seems that real sexual liberation won’t happen until society develops new social customs that allow young women to place enough value on their own emotional needs, so that they feel comfortable waiting for Mr. Right, instead of Mr. Right now.
But then again, I am old-fashioned. So, I’m curious as to what you think. Send me your thoughts.
Make them as explicit as possible, especially if you're a well-built policeman, fireman, or UPS guy. It's for a secret White House project Armstrong is working on.
Okay, those were our six contestants. Vote for the one whom you think was the least wingnutty. The one who gets the most votes will be eliminated. And the team that gets the most votes will be penalized. It might even involve higher taxes!!!
2:12:23 AM 
|
