The Ultimate Wingnut Challenge: Farewell to Lileks
This time we didn't even have to count the ballots, since it was obvious that Lileks was the voters choice for removal from the Lifestyle team. It really was kind of unfair to make him compete against such strong candidates as Peggy Noonan and Dennis Prager -- but we did it, and now Gnat's Daddy has to leave Wingnut Island to return to Minnesota (AKA "The Scariest Place on Earth").
And speaking of Pegster and the Pragster, while Peggy's most famous column is undoubtedly the one about the angelic dolphins, my favorite Dennis Prager column is "When Women Marry, Democrats Lose," which we looked at back in September 2003, when we were young and innocent. Here's just a small snippet of Dennis's work, to show that while we may have come a long way, baby, Dennis is the same idiot he was back then:
Single women, especially single women with children, tend to vote Democratic, while married women, especially married women with children, tend to vote Republican.
Why is this?
There are two primary reasons.
One is that women's nature yearns for male protection.
[...]
The other reason married women are less likely to be liberal and vote Democratic relates to maturity and wisdom.
But enough about Peggy and Dennis: we came not to honor them, but to bury James Lileks. So, here are a few of his greatest hits, as chosen by Gnat.*
[*Greatest hits actually chosen by s.z., since we think the poor kid has been exploited enough already.]
First, from Nov. 2003, here's James telling Iraqi blogger Salam Pax what-for, for daring to criticize George Bush for the crappy job of rebuilding Iraq after ousting Saddam.
Hey, Salam? Fuck you. I know you’re the famous giggly blogger who gave us all a riveting view of the inner circle before the war, and thus know more about the situation than I do. Granted. But there’s a picture on the front page of my local paper today: third Minnesotan killed in Iraq. He died doing what you never had the stones to do: pick up a rifle and face the Ba’athists. You owe him.
Here's Daniel Drezner's response (so that you don't have to bother your beautiful mind thinking up one yourself, after all this time): Why James Lileks is flat-out wrong.
And then there was his "Back Fence" column from December 2003 about how store clerks don't seem happy when he says Merry Christmas to them (the Trib has taken down the column, but you can read most of it here:
Maybe it's just me. Perhaps I'm overly sensitive. But when I wish a store clerk "Merry Christmas!" they often appear stunned and flummoxed for a moment, as if I've just blabbed the plans for the underground's sabotage of the train tracks in front of the secret police.
[...]
You must understand that this is not about Christmas, but about the holiday season, which encompasses many beliefs.
Hence the trees, the lights, the berries, the Santa costumes, the Nutcracker statues, the Nat King Cole music on the speakers, the poinsettias, and other symbols of Hinduism. Come on! It's Christmas! What's the problem?"
Yeah, everything that happens in December is about a Christian holiday, just as everything that happens in Iraq is about Lileks.
Anyway, that column inspired James Wolcott's "Christmas Kvetchers," which made the whole thing worth while.
And then there was the famous "Open Letter to Bath and Body Works," which he wrote to complain about their decision to cancel the Eucalyptus Spearmint shampoo and conditioner:
I know I cannot influence your decision. But know this: I will never buy anything else at your store, because all you offer is flowery fluids I can buy cheaply at Target. I have a year’s supply of liquid soap, which I will use as ever. I will refill the empty shanpoo bottles with Suave. Do you understand? Years of product testing, package design, ad campaigns, the whole lot: it comes down to Suave poured in your containers, not in the hopes you will not be unduly pained, but in the fervent desire that you will be pained unutterably, and go to your graves nursing the wound.
Ah, good times! BTW, they just had their yearly hand soap sale at Bath & Body Works (5 bottles for $15). I bought 2 bottles of Eucalyptus Spearmint, in memory of Lileks (yeah, the chain still carries it). One of these days I'm going to try washing my hair with it -- if it works, I will write an open letter to Suave, telling them that I fill their empty shampoo bottles with B&BW products. I think this will wound the soul of the secretary who reads my missive.
And last but not least, there is the "Target's sporting goods section/post-traumatic stress" Bleat of March 2004
At Target today we went down the camping aisle; Gnat chattered about this and that as she paged through her new coloring book. I had a different emotion. I hate that row. I loathe it. After 9/11 I made the weekly Target run, and wondered whether it might not be prudent to get some camping stuff in case, well, we had to leave. What would we need if something awful happened, and we had to light out for the territories? If this seems like a ridiculous overreaction, then either you’ve forgotten what it felt like after 9/11, when no one knew what the hell was around the corner (besides anthrax). Or your primary reaction to 9/11 was to fight American overreaction to a regrettable but understandable act of karmic comeuppance. Me, I just channeled the inner Boy Scout. Be prepared. So I bought waterproof matches and a small cook stove and some propane tanks and a wind-up radio, and put them in a box in the garage with some canned goods and fresh water. I didn’t think it was likely we’d have to leave. And I didn’t want to be caught flat-footed if the worst happened. Toss the box in the trunk and roll.
That box is still up on the shelf in the garage. The threat level could be light beige, and I wouldn’t take it down. Why would I?
It's not for nothing that Likeks has a book titled NOTES OF A NERVOUS MAN.
From Publishers Weekly
Amiable and civilized, this collection of pieces by columnist Lileks covers a wide range of subjects, from the traumas of a novice homeowner to observations on adult education and air fresheners.
Copyright 1992 Reed Business Information, Inc.
You'll note that back in 1992, he was only nervous about air freshener and owning a house. 9/11 didn't change everything, but it sure gave Lileks something upon which to focus all his anxiety.
Anyway, he's gone, and we will miss him.
Okay, not him so much as Art Frahm. But hey, we'll always have Target. And Chuck E. Cheese. And those adorable seasonal paper towels.
3:52:02 AM 
|
