More Conservative Entertainment Criticism from Townhall
On the same day that AOL has redesigned its welcome screen to make it include more ads, Townhall has redecorated its site in lovely shades of bilious blue-green, avocado green, puke green, industrial green, and gray. It also includes more ads (such as "Make Money Working at Home! Earning $100,000 a year is just as easy as earning $15,000 when you know how!").
And on the new Townhall home page, this pick from "Today's Highlights" caught our eye: Screenwriter: Hollywood Should Learn To Love the Flag. So, in honor of the Townhall redesign, let's take a look at Craig Titley's Red, White and Blue Dawn.
In his Townhall debut, Craig explains that Hollywood is having its biggest box-office slump since the one when Reagan was President. And just like the Slump of '85, this one can probably be blamed on the fact that the people who makes movies are commies who disrespect our cowboy President, and red-blooded folks who voted for him ain't gonna support movie that make them think about how they were duped. And so, by using the awesome power of HISTORY, Craig deduces that the only way to get people back into the theaters is to bring back Chuck Norris, Rambo, and Rocky.
Here, let's have him explain why:
Whether or not the slumps were due to any form of conscious or unconscious backlash is purely speculative. I like to deal in facts. And the most important fact is this: there seems to be no end in sight for the Slump of ’05. The questions Hollywood needs to be asking is not what caused the slump, but what will end it? [...]
The first major breakout hit during the slump was Code of Silence, the first of All-American hero Chuck Norris’s 1985 two’fer. It stayed at the top of the box office for two weeks and proved to be a modest, yet highly profitable, hit despite the slump. Hmmm. Didn't Norris support Reagan just a few months earlier?
Chuck’s Silent reign at the top of the box office was overthrown by another American Hero: Vietnam War veteran and Purple-Heart recipient John J. Rambo.
Hmm, didn't Rambo support Reagan just a few months earlier by killing half the people in the Pacific Northwest? If so, then Craig has proved his point: that the 80's really sucked.
Well, Craug's real point is that feel-good movies about mumbling beserkers, brain-damaged boxers, and blood-thirsty commie killers were what people wanted in 1985, and dangnabbit, those are the kinds of films that Hollywood should make today if it doesn't want to go broke!
Hollywood history is not hard to learn. When the studios make movies that leave ticket buyers feeling good about their country, that celebrate the everyday heroes who live among us, and that aren’t afraid to turn the people who want to destroy our way of life (today, Islamic terrorists) into movie villains then moviegoers, red and blue, will flock to the theaters .
The top-grossing films of 1986 included Platoon, which isn't exactly a feel-good movie that celebrates America and demonizes its commie enemies, proving that just a few months after the modest success of Code of Silence, movie goers were already sick of violent fairy tales -- and also proving that Hollywood really shouldn't take movie-making advice from wingnuts like Craig.
But hey, Craig has some words of hope for the Hollywood commies:
The good news: if they came back in 1985, they’ll come back now. All they need is the right stuff. Just look at the first big hit after the election of ’04 (and one of the last big hits before the Slump of ‘05 began): National Treasure.
And just look at the following movies which were also were released after the election of '04, and which have made more money than National Treasure:
#7. Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith
#26. Meet the Fockers
#29 The Incredibles
#44 War of the Worlds
#57 Wedding Crashers
#59 Batman Begins
#61 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
#68 Madagascar
#72 Mr. and Mrs. Smith
#86 Hitch
None of these movies is overtly patriotic (and not one features inarticulate guys killing Muslim terrorists), and yet, people spent money to see them. In fact, they spent lots more money to see them than they did on tickets to National Treasure -- a film which reveals that the Founding Father's had a secret treasure (apparently derived from slave-trading, rum smuggling, and graft), but which didn't really leave movie-goers feeling any better about their country than, say, Wedding Crashers does.
But let's let Craig give his star-spangled conclusion, and deliver his last piece of advice for Hollywood's America-hating Marxists.
The Big Lesson from the Slump of ‘85 is that American movie audiences, like Rambo, know exactly what they want: for the movie studios to love their country as much as they love it. That’s what they want!
And how does Craig know this? From history, of course (the kind of history that one can discern from a glance at the box office grosses of 20 years ago).
And because Craig himself is a Hollywood screenwriter. Check out his Townhall bio:
Craig Titley is a Hollywood screenwriter whose credits include Scooby-Doo and Cheaper by the Dozen. He saw Rambo twelve times during the Slump of ’85.
Well, if the guy who wrote the stories for the brilliant Cheaper by the Dozen and the patriotic Scooby-Doo says that movie makers should remake Invasion USA (either version), this time featuring Arabs as the evil-doers who want to destroy our way of life, then said movie makers should give the idea the consideration it deserves.
But wait, the IMDb indicates that Craig also co-wrote Conspiracy Theory: Did We Land on the Moon? (2001) (TV) ("Skeptics analyze the discrepancies and inconsistencies in the evidence that men landed on the moon in the late 1960s and early 1970s. Their conclusion: NASA faked the moon landings!"). Hey, that doesn't sound like it would make people feel good about their country! So, until he presents proof that he saw Rambo twelve times in '85, I am going to consider him a big fraud, and I advise the studios to instead make more movies about Siths and Fockers, because that's what the people seem to want.
4:54:25 AM 
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