The Greatest Halloween Treat Ever!
A green-haired demon holds his foot on Minnie's neck and warns her friend Ari, "Put down your magic wand, Ari Potiphar -- or I'll deep-fat fry Minnie and the others!"
Minnie urges Ari to use his magic to free her, and Ari wonders, "How did it ever come to this: how did I end up here in this wack world of wizards? I never imagined such a thing could be for real ...."
The scene is the teaser for Hairy Polarity and the Sinister Sorcery Satire, a 32-page, full-color comic book that takes its characters on a dangerous adventure through the world of the occult. The story incorporates a number of themes that will resonate with youth -- peer pressure, rebellion against parental authority and witchcraft.
It is an original creation from Truth for Youth. Evangelist Tim Todd, founder of Truth for Youth, believes the state-of-the-art comic story can be a powerful evangelistic tool during the Halloween season.
[...]
Tim Wildmon, president of American Family Association, said the comic book format is sure to appeal to teens and younger students alike. Wildmon said, "It would be well worth the investment to purchase Hairy Polarity and put a Christian-based comic book in the hands of trick-or-treaters, or as a treat for kids who attend alternative seasonal events at their churches."
What a great idea -- instead of giving the trick-or-treaters tooth-rotting candy, I can give them Christian-based comic books that warn them about the dangers of the Harry Potter books. Nobody will egg my house after that!
Todd emphasizes that the gripping, fast-moving story subtly reveals biblical principles, with frequent footnotes giving specific Scripture references. With more than 300 million Harry Potter books sold, Todd said, "We have to get the truth out about the dangers of [witchcraft]. This comic normally costs $3/copy, but if you order 50 copies or more, we will let you have them for below cost at only $1/copy plus shipping. I am convinced this is the greatest tool of evangelism for Halloween that has ever been available."
Um, I want to save children from being sent to hell by Harry Potter as much as the next person, but I wasn't really planning on spending more than $50 for Halloween treats this year.
With Hairy Polarity and the Sinister Sorcery Satire, Todd says the ministry offers a unique new instrument that God can use to help rescue teens from the deceit and allure of the occult.
Well, if it will rescue teen trick-or-treaters from the allure of the occult, I guess I can at least check it out. You can help me.
Okay, from the "Hairy Polarity" home page, we learn that it is "A powerful and effective 32-page, full-color comic book" that "reveals the very real dangers of sorcery and witchcraft contained within the Harry Potter series!" Wow, and to think that I missed those dangers when I read the books -- unbeknownst to me, I may even be a sorcerer or a witch right now!
But let's look at the sample pages and see for ourselves what else the comic reveals. [Note: While recapping these pages, I haven't included the Bible verse citations -- I figured you'd want to look them up yourself.]
Page 1
This is actually the cover. It feature a creepy old castle with bats (or possibly flying monkey) circling it.
Beneath the castle is a a dragon/lizard guy (we suspect he's probably meant to be Satan or something, but he's the coolest character pictured there, and he should get his own comic book).
To the left is an old guy with big nose and a bushy beard; he is wearing a floppy gardening hat, and pushing up his slipping glasses -- he is probably meant to be Professor Dumbledore (or, as he's no doubt called in this work, Professor Dummydork), but I think he looks more like Gandalf the Grimy. Above Gandalf is a cute and cuddly pink flying pig.
To the right is a bored-looking, snotty, blonde, anime-style girl wearing a Satanic robe with an adorable "Sailor Moon" collar. We can tell you right now, she means nothing but trouble for a good, Evangelical boy.
In the center of the cover is a plump-faced Harry Potter knock-off with a dopey snake around his shoulder; he is shining a flashlight on his face, presumably to impress the snotty blonde. He is our hero, and his name is "Ari." Sure, we already hate him, but we can hope that he dies in the course of the story.
Beneath Ari is a character who looks like a combo of a Wagnerian Valkyrie and the Jack Nicholson Joker. In the left bottom corner is a cuddly gargoyle, and in the right corner is some wimpy blond guy who escaped from an 80's hair rock band.
Sad to say, but the impression I'm getting so far is of incredible lameness -- I kinda doubt it's going to "resonate with youth," but let's keep looking.
Page 2
This is the "teaser" that Agape told us about. However, I don't think the fey guy with the green hair and the yellow eyes is demon, I think he's supposed to be a "parody" (and thus no violation of copyright laws) of the evil wizard Valdemort. Since Minnie is saying, "You can an only defeat the evil Lord Vulgarmouth with MAGIC!!!" I think my interpretation is the correct one.
Our hero, Ari, is just standing there, whining like the heroine of a Gothic romance. "Had I but known," he says, "I never would have married Count Bluebeard, nor have gone to confront the villain all by myself, while wearing a transparent nightie."
No, wait, he actually says, "How did it ever come to this ... ? How did I end up here in this wack world of wizards called the overrealm? I never imagined such a thing could be for real ... not before ... not when I was back in the peace and tranquility of my own home ..."
Page 3
We are now back in the peace and tranquility of Ari's home -- but it doesn't look all that tranquil to me, since there are large vertical lines shooting out of Ari's enormous mouth and his misshapen head. Ari is shrieking at his lumpen parents (Dad looks like Jon Lovitz gone horribly wrong, while Mom is just really awful) because they have forbidden him to associate with his friend Minnie -- it seems they think she's a bad influence on Ari because she tempted him into READING!
Mom complains about how Ari has been "tuning God of his life lately." She adds "We have discussed this endlessly! Hairy Polarity is evil!"
Dad says, "Witchcraft isn't fantasy, it's real. And you don't want to get involved in it like your mom and I were once. A DEMON was exorcized from us that..."
"Was big and blackish, green and scaly, who had a skull-like face, large teeth, and things like antlers coming out of his head," interrupts Ari. "You've told me this story like a million times."
Okay, I know we're only on the second page, but I think we've read enough to know that this comic is way too creepy and sick to give to children. The parents had a skull-faced demon exorcized from them? And they've told their pre-teen abut this a million times? And this is the wholesome, peaceful, tranquil world that Ari regrets leaving?
But back to the story...
Page 4
Ari and his friend Minnie (who is looking especially vacuous on this page) are at a bookstore -- judging from the huge banner above the door, the store is doing a special Hairy Polarity promotion, one presumably sponsored by the publisher and Hell.
Ari is whining to Minnie that his parents just don't understand that he and Minnie just want to make their living writing books like the Hairy Polarity ones -- they don't want to be sorcerers, they just want to be rich and successful novelists. (Which is a much more realistic goal -- NOT!)
But Minnie isn't paying too much attention to Ari, since she has spotted "The gross, disgusting gangrene hand of Severus Blyght in movie 4." (I guess this one of those Barnes & Noble's that features books, a coffee bar, and a severed hand deli.) Minnie, who is very impressed by the gross hand (and who converses mostly in really obnoxious slang which I suspect no kid has ever actually used), exclaims, "That is off the chain!!!"
But Ari isn't paying too much attention to Minnie, as he is going on about how maybe he should just obey his parents, like a good Republican/Evangelical child. He snivels, "Mom says that just reading about witchcraft is how she got into it, too -- And that I shouldn't fill my mind with this stuff."
Um, Ari -- your parents told you a million times about a big ol' skull-faced demon, and you think they may have a point when they say they don't want you to fill your mind with unwholesome stuff?
Ari continues, "Maybe I shouldn't be here ... I'm like totally disobeying my parents!" Like totally, Dude.
But once again, Minnie isn't paying any mind to Ari, since she has just spotted "a replica of 'Vertigo Alley just like in the movies!!" (Yeah, this must be a SUPER SATANIC Barnes & Noble, featuring books, coffee, severed hands, life-size replicas of magic corridors, and entries into hell.)
Page 5
The blonde rocker dude with all the blonde hair is apparently an angel (although I didn't know that angels dressed like a pirates) -- he appears to warn Ari and Minnie away from "Vertigo Alley." But Minnie tells the angel to take a hike. The future Ari who is narrating this adventure for us bemoans having failed to take the warning, and generally acts like a wet blanket.
Minnie spots a locked door with a sign over it with part of a line about magic. Minnie knows that the rest of the quotation is "knowledge," and by typing that into the code box, manages to open the door. Meanwhile, Future Ari is going on about how "I see now how misleading the hype was -- how Minnie and I were being deceived the whole time." Future Ari is a real drag.
Page 6
Ari and Minnie enter a room filled with magic books. "No diggity! It's some sort of library about magic!" They don some handy Satanic robes with sailor collars (decorated with adorable red Pentagrams) that happen to be lying around, and look at some of the magic books. Future Ari does a LOT more of that, "Had I but known" routine. We can hardly wait until Future Ari gets eaten by that demon.
Page 7
Minnie opens a large volume and proclaims that "it rocks!" (It's also "slammin'" and "wicked!"
Ari asks, "Minnie, do you know what these are? They're the original handwritten manuscripts of Hairy Polarity, written by Dr. Bela Verbosi HIMSELF!" (Ha, ha! The author is making fun of J. K. Rowling for being too verbose -- and for being a Hungarian horror star from the 1930s.)
Ari find a smaller book, and notes that it features "some sorta ritual ... to enter 'the world of the overrealm' by drinking 'the brew of brainstretching' moments before reciting the 'darkdork' incantations." (As Reggie Van Gleason would say, "Mmmmboy, that's good satire!")
Ari frets, moaning "Minnie, I'm getting the creeps. The Bible says not to be involved with this kind of stuff. It's detestable to God!" So, kids, if you are reading the Harry Potter books and then get the notion to enter a secret room at the Satanic Barnes & Noble and study ancient tomes that contain actual magic spells, you might want to reconsider your actions.
Anyway, Minnie tells Ari not to go "weenie" on him, and just like that, he falls prey to peer pressure. Yes, although Ari knows that sorcery that can transport you into magic realms is detestable to God, he folds like a Martha Stewart percale sheet from K-Mart. Kids, let THAT be a lesson to you too.
Just then, Gandalf the Grimy appears and says, "Come on, kids!"
Page 8
Gandalf escorts Ari and Minnie into the chamber featured in Vincent Price's The Masque of the Red Death. The room contains statues of horned beasts, coiled snakes, and lots of other stereotypical horror movie witchcraft stuff. And there is a large pentagram in the center, with a red velvet couch at each point.
Ari stutters, "I don't think my parents are gonna like this!" Minnie, speaking for all of us, replies, "Seriously, Ari, this is really getting on my nerves."
A speaker behind a bat-shaped podium tells "the young members of the Hairy Polarity book club" that "the overrealm, the real world of Hairy Polarity, is an actual place, and we can take you on the glorious journey there! Lie on the benches and don the sunglasses provided which will reveal the truth to you. We will then provide you with the Brew of Brainstretching."
Ari whines some more about how he thinks he should get out of there, but Minnie tells Ari to chill, saying that it will just be a slide show or something. So, once again he succumbs to peer pressure -- and he sips the magic potiont, lies back on his red velvet couch, and immediately starts to trip out.
""Mmminnie ... sssssomethingsss .... nnnot .... nnndy .... rrright," he says in the last frame.
And that brings us to the end of the sample pages -- if we want to see Ari get eaten by the demon, we have to spend at least $2.50 (plus postage) to get our own copy of the booklet.
However, that was enough to convince me that this comic book isn't quite what I want to give the moppets who come treat-or-treating to my house. Sure, it's colorful and annoying and such, but I found something even scarier at the Truth For Youth site. Yes, I think I'm going to terrorize the neighborhood children with this:
5:57:36 AM 
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