Deep Thoughts, by Peggy Noonan
Yes, it's time for another installation of this popular (in that I like it) feature, which pairs the inspirational thoughts of Peggy "Flipper" Noonan Reagan with those of humorist Jack Handey, allowing you to decide for yourself who is funnier.
As usual, my comments will be in black, Peggy's will be in maroon, and Jack's will be in blue.
* * *
Today's Noonan column is about the nomination of Harriet Miers. Well, it's really about how George Bush has offended real conservatives (i.e., Peggy) by not nominating, say, Peggy for the Supreme Court job. It's also about how Peggy would do a lot better job of running the White House than Karl Rove, and so George should give her a call, since she happens to be free right now.
Now, here's Peggy!
I think I know what White House aides are thinking.
Peggy also sees dead Ronald Reagans -- they're everywhere!
And here's Jack:
I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you.
Anyway, Peggy claims that what the White House aides are thinking is that the flak they're taking about the Miers nomination is just like how Churchill had to fight Hitler all by himself. They're also thinking that George Will is a sexy, sexy man, despite being the real BTK killer. Or something like that. In case, they sound like they could really use some professional help. In any case, somebody could.
They're thinking: This is the part of my memoir where we faced the daily pounding of our allies. They're thinking: This is the "Churchill Alone" chapter. They're thinking: He was like a panther in the jungle night. For five years he sat, watchful, still as marble, his eyes poised upon his prey. And then he sprang in a sudden burst of sleek-muscled focus, and when it was over his face was unchanged but for the scarlet ring of blood around his mouth. But enough about George Will. They're thinking: That's good, save it for later.
When I picked up the little dead mouse that my cat had killed, at first I felt sad. Then, I felt hungry. I forget what happened after that.
But enough about what the aides -- what is George W. Bush thinking? Or rather, what is he feeling? And what about Peggy? I bet she's feeling dissed and unappreciated -- as usual.
Can this marriage be saved? George W. Bush feels dissed and unappreciated: How could you not back me? Conservatives feel dissed and unappreciated: How could you attack me? Both sides are toe to toe.
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
But fortunately for George and his incompetent White House aides, Peggy has some advice for them.
Is there a way out for the White House? Yes. Change plans at LaGuardia.
The first time I ever tried to milk a cow at Grandpa's farm, I didn't even know which end of the cow to milk! The I guess I got even dumber, because the next time I couldn't even find the barn. Then the last time, I just went out in the woods and lived, with no clothes.
Another way out for the White House would be to hire John Hinckley to shoot her -- that way, she's a hero, George is a hero, John is back in the hospital. So, everybody wins!
The best way to change the story is to change the story. Here's one way.
The full Tim McCarthy. He was the Secret Service agent who stood like Stonewall and took the bullet for Ronald Reagan outside the Washington Hilton. Harriet Miers can withdraw her name, take the hit, and let the president's protectors throw him in the car.
A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.
And after Bush announces Harriet's unfortunate death, er, withdrawal from consideration, he acts like HE's the hero and like EVERYBODY ELSE is the jerk, and that way he comes through this without any loss of dignity, even after all those love notes from Harriet surface. Hey, it would at least fool the conservative establishment, 'cause they're a bunch of idiots!
The president would get to announce a better nominee--I'd recommend continuing the air of stoic pain--and much of the conservative establishment would feel constrained to go along.
The prince decided he would learn anger. So he gathered his subjects together
outside his balcony. "Who would teach me anger?" he said. "Fuck you!" somebody yelled. "Okay, how about algebra?" said the prince.
And then, with Harriet out of the way and everybody feeling guilty because of her death, Bush can nominate any crony he chooses -- even Barney, the White House Dog -- or Karl Rove, the White House traitor. Heck, he could even force America to deep throat Alberto Gonzales!
Mr. Bush will have an open field. He could even shove Alberto Gonzales down their throats!
If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat).
Or, if the President doesn't have the heart to actually kill Harriet, he could just demote her. At least, that's what Mickey Kaus says -- and if Peggy quotes him, that's one less paragraph she has to write herself.
The best way to do the modified Quayle comes from Mickey Kaus: "How about appointing Miers to a federal appeals court?" [...] That's thinking.
Um, I guess to Peggy, what Kaus does WOULD look like thinking.
But how does the White House back down after claiming for so long that Harriet was the most qualified person in America? Easy -- fall off the bike (or choke on a pretzel or something), and then take that trip to LaGuardia ... and once they're at the airport, announce that terrorists were planning to smuggle in nuclear missiles in baby carriages. Hey, look, it's Osama's second in command!
How can the White House climb down after 10 days of insisting Ms. Miers is the one? Mmmmm, sometimes you don't climb down. Sometime you just let gravity do what it's doing. You drop like an apple. Three days of silence and then the trip to LaGuardia.
What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk?
And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lay down and go to sleep.
And once everyone has forgotten about Miers, then George should invite the real conservatives (like Peggy) to the White House, humbly apologize to them, and promise to listen to Peggy from now on. And hey, if it so happens that Uncle Newt Gingrich ends up bitch-slapping George, then that's just a bonus.
It's time for the administration to reach out to wise men and women, time for Roosevelt Room gatherings of the conservative clans. [...]The White House can think of this--and should think of it--as an unanticipated gift. A good fight can clear the air; a great battle can result in resolution and recommitment. No one wants George W. Bush turned into Jimmy Carter,
I do!
or nobody should.
Oh. I guess Peggy sure put me in my place.
The world is a dangerous place, and someone has to lead America.
Um, maybe we could get a leader to do it? If that doesn't seem feasible, then how about Barney, the White House Dog?
And speaking of fear-based leadership ...
It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and crossbones on it, because there might be a skeleton costume inside and the kid could put it on and really scare you.
But back to Peggy, who says that this Miers fiasco has had another unfortunate side effect, in that it caused the Virgin Laura Bush to make a mistake, thus dimming some of the power of this extraordinary resource. (Sorry, I couldn't think of anything funnier than what Peggy wrote.)
Sending Laura Bush out to make her first mistake as first lady, agreeing with Matt Lauer that sexism is probably part of the reason for opposition to Ms. Miers, was embarrassingly inept and only served to dim some of the power of this extraordinary resource.
Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on vacation in winter and someone said "Lassie, go skate for help," she could do it.
And RNC head Ed Gillespie is a big jerk for saying that Peggy is elitist and sexist. Hey, even conservatives have feelings! Remember how Peggy took a leave of absence from her lucrative Wall Street Journal gig to enter rehab work for Republicans? See, she's sacrificed a LOT for the cause, so Ed should stop patronizing her. After all, even though she's a washed-up, semi-literate hack, she's no elitist!
It was the ignorant verbal lurch of a K Street behemoth who has perhaps forgotten that conservatives are not merely a bloc, a part of the base, a group that must be handled, but individuals who are and have been in it for serious reasons, for the long haul, and often at considerable sacrifice. They don't deserve to be patronized by people they've long strained to defend.
I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire.
No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.
And, in conclusion, Peggy tells Ed, and Karl, and all those other incompetents who aren't fit to kiss Ronald Reagan's jock strap (let alone write speeches for him, like Peggy did) how we do things in America.
And next time perhaps the White House, in announcing and presenting the arguments for a new nominee to the high court, will remember a certain tradition with regard to how we do it in America. We don't say, "We've nominated Joe because he's a Catholic!"
No, in America we say, "We've nominated Joe because he thinks we're dreamy -- oh, and he also donated generously to our re-election campaign."
And that's it for this edition of "Deep Thoughts, by Peggy Noonan." But we'll be back again soon. It would be irresponsible not to.
12:25:44 AM 
|
|
