Who Said It?
The return of the game show that asks YOU "Who Said It?" And then you answer. And, uh, if you get a million points, you could win cool prizes.
Anyway, try to guess which popular* wingnut made each of the following statements.
1. First up, we are treated to some theology from a hip and happenin' dude. He explains "why bad things happen to good people" (basically, because God hates them).
Realist Jesus was so right on when he said that thing about rain falling.
Now in his book the good rabbi came to the philosophical / theological bottom line that deity is less than the Wheaties fellow history has made Him out to be. That is, Atlas He ain't. And, can you believe it--I understand that there are actually some church folk who have bought into that?
In other words, God is not all powerful any more.
C'mon now. Puff the magic dragon and all the rest of the myths. But the wimp God is a little too much to handle.
Hint: This is not Doug Giles. However, I think that our Mystery Guest and Doug could become best buddies, and maybe do some sleep overs ... which would end in tragedy, when MG starts to believe that Doug is a member of the Crips, and so MG starts packing his stuff in his suitcase so he can head off to the bus station. But just then, Doug would shoot MG, claiming that he thought his guest might actually have been a burglar, and anyway, Doug wanted to take advantage of that new Florida law.
2. Here's are statements taken from a recent interview that our second Mystery Wingnut gave to a New York publication:
"It's gotten worse. Now it's so bad that I spend an enormous amount of money protecting myself against evil."
[...]
"I'm as famous as I need to be. I don't like being famous. ... I can't take my family and stay in a hotel, so what good is it?
"You have to worry about who's looking at you - are they taking your picture? Did you curse at this guy?"
Yeah, worries that people are looking at you (and even worse, that they are taking your picture while you browse at the sex toy shop), fears that you may have inadvertently cursed at somebody, and an inability to take one's "family" to a hotel for night of illicit showering -- fame is hell.
Anyway, our Mystery Guest also bemoans the fact that everybody is mean to him, probably because the liberal media is jealous of him ...but he will show them all! Yes, he's writing a book in which he will denounce his numerous enemies. We will be terribly hurt if we're not mentioned in it.
3. Our next Mystery Wingnut explains why we should scrap gun control laws.
Guns are dangerous. But myths are dangerous, too. Myths about guns are very dangerous, because they lead to bad laws. And bad laws kill people.
Yes, as the bumper sticker says, "Guns don't kill people; people who vote for bad laws kill people -- so let's shoot some legislators!"
Talking to prisoners about guns emphasizes a few key lessons. First, criminals don't obey the law. (That's why we call them "criminals.") Second, no law can repeal the law of supply and demand. If there's money to be made selling something, someone will sell it.
We should just scrap the Constitution and let the sacred law of Supply and Demand run things!
Oh, and speaking of the law, it says that every able bodied man aged 17-41 is a member of the militia, and therefore needs a gun to keep the future tryrannic government of President Hillary Clinton from preventing you from buying that really good sunscreen.
As Alex Kozinski, a federal appeals judge and an immigrant from Eastern Europe, warned in 2003, "the simple truth -- born of experience -- is that tyranny thrives best where government need not fear the wrath of an armed people."
"[...] The Second Amendment is a doomsday provision, one designed for those exceptionally rare circumstances where all other rights have failed -- where the government refuses to stand for reelection and silences those who protest; where courts have lost the courage to oppose, or can find no one to enforce their decrees."
The above message was made possible by a grant from Smith & Wesson and the NRA, who believe that the goverment shouldn't have a monopoly on buying pundits.
4. And speaking of your tax dollars at work, this next Mystery Guest was paid by the State Department to share with our Mexican neighbors her message that having sex outside of marriage "leaves women alone and lonely; increases poverty; provides a framework for abuse and violence; and weakens communities and nations."
Here are a couple of snippets from her organization's write-up of her speech:
An audience of 3,000 people working directly with families –– social workers, government agency directors, state leaders and nongovernmental organization representatives –– gathered for the two-day conference and heard Dr. [Wingnut] talk about the ramifications of promiscuous behavior.
Just as cohabitation has increased in the United States, Mexico is experiencing the same trend. Translation of “cohabitation” into Spanish is literal, “cohabitacìon.” However, the colloquial translation is “unìon libre,” meaning “free union.” But, as Dr. [Wingnut] showed during her presentation, so-called sexual freedom is not free.
So, cohabitating with someone automatically means that you are promiscuous.
But, as Dr. [Wingnut] showed during her presentation, so-called sexual freedom is not free.
In 2004 in the state of Texas, a total of 114 women were murdered by intimate partners – more than half by boyfriends. Dr. [Wingnut] pointed out that when marriage’s moral boundaries are not in place, violence against women increases.
So, almost half of those Texas women were killed by their lawfully and morally wedded husbands -- proof of how marriage's moral boundaries protect women from violence.
In the United States, the era of “free love” has left a legacy: 35 million children affected by divorce since 1970; 43 million abortions since Roe v. Wade; 10 million new STD cases a year reported among young adults; one-third of all children born out of wedlock; and 50 million women living alone. It is apparent that “free love” has an extraordinarily high price tag.
It sounds like Dr. Wingnut is implying that most of the divorces in the United States are caused by promiscuity; every woman who had an abortion did it because she was a slut who got knocked up; nobody ever got an STDS until after the sexual revolution; all the children born out of wedlock were conceived by nyphos; and having sex results in women living alone (meaning that marriage must result in women not having sex). I think maybe next time the State Dept. should pay Dr. Wingnut to teach the Mexicans about mops.
5. From a story about Hurricane Wilma:
[Mystery Guest], like millions of Floridians, expressed amazement that another hurricane is headed toward the state, which has been hit an unprecedented six times in the past two years, including hurricanes Charley, Frances, Ivan and Jeanne in 2004 and Dennis and Katrina this year.
"Why us? How could it be a storm would take a sharp, 90-degree turn to the east?"
Well, I guess this is just God's way of telling you that you shouldn't have interfered in the Terri Schiavo matter, sir.
6. Our final Mystery Guest explains how he left liberalism to become an asshole:
Eventually, I woke up and realized that I had more in common with the Republicans than I did with the Democrats. I was also beginning to develop a new appreciation for moral absolutism, which would help to revive me spiritually.
Looking back, [...] I realize that it was woefully incomplete. As such, I owe it to my readers and the people who attend my speeches to give the principal reason for my political conversion. And here it is:
Republican women are simply more attractive than Democratic women.
It certainly feels good - after years of keeping it in - to state the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Those who don’t immediately accept this revelation as true can just click on the following link: http://www.grouchyoldcripple.com/archives/002188.html
If you don't want to click the link, be aware that that it compares dated, airbrushed, studio photos of such "babes" as Ann Coulter, Michelle Malkin, and Peggy Noonan with unflattering candids of women like Helen Thomas, Hillary Clinton, and Madeleine Albright (you know, women who actually have accomplished stuff). But hey, Dr. Mystery Guest, compare this photo of one of the "attractive" Republican women with this photo of one of the ugly Democrats, and then tell me that the prospect of making love to the first one doesn't give you a bad case of E.D. (Okay, he wouldn't be able to get it up for the second one either, but not because she doesn't look pretty damn good.)
But back to Dr. MG:
Just two days after learning that it was alright to talk about this issue, I was giving another speech in North Carolina. After the speech, my wife commented on the good looks of the young Republican women from UNC-Chapel Hill who were listening in the audience.
Of course, this is very good news. Since my wife is able to comment on the surplus of good-looking women in the GOP, that means I can, too. Of course, it also helps that she stopped reading my columns many months ago.
Not that any of us are surprised by this revelation about his young trophy wife having lost all respect for him, but it is interesting that he'd admit it. Do you think that a divorce in the works? (Of course, rumors that Mrs. Mystery Guest is having an affair with Mrs. Lileks -- who's in somewhat the same boat -- are probably unfounded.)
The public discussion of this issue will help Republicans answer some important questions. For example: “Should we assume that being gay often causes one to be a Democrat? Isn’t it more likely that the lack of exposure to attractive women causes Democrats to be gay?”
Yes, that would be a fascinating subject for public discussion. And here's another one we could all brain storm: "Should we assume that having an unresolved conflict about their sexuality often causes some Republicans to spend a great deal of time and energy bashing homosexuals? And isn't it also quite likely that while exposure to confident women causes these sexually conflicted conservatives to experience impotence problems, it's their lack of exposure to attractive men who would touch them with a ten-foot pole that keeps them from acting on their homosexual impulses -- and the resulting sexual frustration is expressed in crappy Townhall columns?"
I'm just offering the questions for discussion.
Well, those are our Mystery Wingnuts for this program. Now, try to guess who said all that stuff. And may God have mercy on your soul.
* The wingnuts appearing in this program aren't actually popular, not even with their own mothers.
2:03:54 AM 
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