Who Actually Said It - Plus,Wholesome Dolls
It's time to reveal the answers to yesterday's quiz, and to announce which readers were the first to correctly name them. So, here you go:
1. Pastor J. Grant Swank, Jr -- Tom G
2. Bill O'Reilly -- Tom G again.
3. John Stossel -- Gary Kleppe
4. Janice Shaw Crouse -- The Mad Hathor
5. Jeb Bush -- Mark
6. Dr. Mike Adams, Ph.D -- Mark
Congratulations, folks -- you know your wingnuts! You get a point for each correct answer.
Cynthia earned a couple of points for being the first to correctly name all of our Mystery Guests in one post, and to also provide some helpful info about them:. Here's her answer:
#1 - The Biblically-challenged Swankster
#2 - Poor Bill O'Reilly...and he hasn't even mentioned how he can't order falafel without people giggling
#3 - I'm guessing Stossel - Big Tool, small brain.
#4 - It's gotta be my favorite doctor - Janice Crouse. She does believe in free love...with her sponge mop!
#5 - Jebbie. It's not just the handling of Terri Schiavo, but the election in 2000. Jeb, this is only a warm-up to the tribulation that you're gonna experience. Here, have some marshmallows. Hope you like 'em, burnt.
#6 - The ED gave it away. It's Dr Mike Adams. I guess Republican women don't have vaginas.
Sophronia and King Coody missed only one wingnut each, and also provided some pretty amusing descriptors (I particularly liked Sophronia's John Free Market Saved Me From Wrinkly Skin" Stossel), so they each get a point too.
Two Style points go to tigrismus for proving some more realistic photos of those super-attractive Republican women cited by Dr. Mike.
And a style point for D. Sidhe for making this comment about Stosesel : "Honestly, if we can't trust the man with a fact, why would we want to trust him with a gun?" -- and for doing it while suffering from a migraine.
A point also to Marq, for his little vignette about Dr. Mike 'n Doug, and one to FlipYrWhig, for his "Dr. Mike writes to the Penthouse Forum" fantasy.
Additionally, a point to Tara the anti-social social worker for the answers that should have been right:
#1 was our favorite druggie, Rush, puffing his magic dragon while he cries over someone leaving his wheaties out in the rain in MacArthur Park.
#2 was a Nigerian Scam email, explaining why you must send them an enormous amount of money to protect themselves from evil. (Or, JimmyJeff GannonGuckert explaining why he's raised his prices. Same diff.)
#3 was Tony Soprano.
#4 was the Church Lady - isn't that special?
#5 was Katherine Harris, desperately stuffing boxes with ballots voting "no" on hurricanes.
#6 was Rick Santorum, who will of course be further researching the issues of male gayness in far more detail.
Everybody, be sure to save your points, which you could maybe trade in for valuable prizes!
And here's an example of the kind of prize that could be yours for just one million points: a wholesome, Christian doll who doesn't support abortion or lesbianism -- but who does have slaves.
They are not just dolls—THEY ARE ROLE MODELS!
We learned about Elsie and her fellow Christian dolls (and about how they're WAY more moral than those slutty, butch American Girl dolls) from the Baptist Press. Here's part of the story:
As news reports indicate proceeds from bracelets connected with the popular American Girl dolls are going to support homosexual and abortion-rights causes, many parents are searching for alternatives for daughters who treasure the doll collections that come with life stories and multiple accessories.
Yes, what kind of a parent would allow his or her daughter to play with a doll whose website included a link to a bracelet sold to benefit a group that helps girls build skills in science, math, and leadership, but which also claims that "women should have the right to make decisions about themselves," and which reportedly has a publication that says "The emergence of a lesbian identity is an ongoing process, rather than an event"? (Answer: a liberal secular parent who wants her daughter to grow up to be a lesbian who gets lots of abortions.)
So, it's good that we now have wholesome alternatives: dolls based on characters from didactic, mass-market fiction from the 19th century!
A Life of Faith dolls, which are growing in popularity among Christians, provide role models that help girls imagine and experience a lifestyle of faith. This line of dolls features four main fictional characters: Elsie, Millie, Violet and Laylie, who are ordinary girls with extraordinary faith encountering inspiring adventures that make them intriguing heroines.
Similar to the American Girl dolls, A Life of Faith dolls emerge from different periods of American history and accompany books that chronicle their experiences and, in this case, testify to their devotion to Jesus.
Instead of being crack whores, like the American Girl dolls.
“We believe parents are legitimately concerned because a brand they have trusted as wholesome has aligned with a group that supports abortion and lesbianism and all those things that parents see as harmful,” Sandi Shelton, president and publisher of Mission City Press, which makes the A Life of Faith dolls, told Baptist Press.
Girls, Inc supports "ALL those things that parents see as harmful"? They support sticking forks into electrical outlets? Eating dirt? Sticking pennies up your nose? If so, they are indeed pure evil, just like Sandi says. (And you can trust her, since, as the manufacturer of the competition, she'd have no reason to lie.)
“What’s going on here is a battle for the hearts of children, and our company treasures the hearts of young girls,” she added.
They treasure them in glass jars that they keep in the basement.
For more information, visit www.alifeoffaith.com.
I did, and that's where I found out that the Elsie doll (which looks like Shirley Temple on diet of pure sucrose) is actually Elsie Dinsmore, the heroine of the most cloying book series imaginable. Mission City Press has reissued the books, updating the language so that you can give your daughters wholesome, uplifting, treacley reading material instead of anything modern.
Here's some of what Mission City has to say about Elsie:
When we first meet Elsie Dinsmore, she is 8 years old and growing up in the mid-1800s on a wealthy estate called "Roselands." Unfortunately, Elsie has never known the love of a parent. Her mother died when she was born and she has never met her father. She lives with her relatives and the servants who work at Roselands (unfortunately, slavery had not yet been abolished).
Unfortunately for the "servants," but fortunately for Elsie, or she wouldn't have anybody to do the work on the estate, and wouldn't be wealthy.
Elsie is not a real person. She is a fictional character who made her first public appearance in 1868 when she was introduced by her creator, author Martha Finley, through a series of books known as "The Elsie Books.
The other dolls are also based on characters from Finley's books, except for Laylie, the African-American doll. (While it seems probable that she was invented just so that Mission City Press could offer a product to compete with American Girl's Addie, "A courageous African-American girl growing up in war-torn Civil War America," Laylie, who is a "bold and courageous" girl growing up in Civil War America," actually seems like the only one of the dolls worth reading about -- but there is only one book about her, since modern authors just don't have the Martha Finley work ethic.)
And here's a little bit about author Martha Finley by Deirdre Johnson, an expert on 19th century series books for girls.
Martha Finley is best known for her Elsie Dinsmore series, melodramatic and sentimental fiction focusing on Elsie's trials and the solace offered her by her religious beliefs. ...The series lasted for 28 volumes, published over a period of 38 years. Much has been written about the series, discussing everything from its tear-soaked heroine and her relationship with her father to its enduring popularity during the 19th century.
Elsie, however, was only a little over a quarter of Ms. Finley's total works. A second series, Mildred Keith, ran for seven volumes and chronicles the life of Mildred Keith and her family as well providing glimpses of Elsie Dinsmore's early years. Mildred is a slightly more realistic character than Elsie, with spunk and independence and without Elsie's perpetual penchant for tears and Biblical quotations.
Yes, like Mission City says, these dolls aren't just dolls, they're role models!
And advice columnists. Yes, Elsie will answer your questions! ("Whether she has time to answer your specific question or not, she cares very much about what is on your heart and mind, and she wants to give you all the help and encouragement that she can.")
Elsie has lots of tips on how to memorize Bible quotations. She also advocates courtship (so that you don't have any emotional involvements before marriage, and don't end up, you know, not so pure on your wedding day). She also answers many questions on how she became so perfect. Yes, "Dear Elsie" is even more annoying than the Bible-quoting, tear-soaked Elsie of the books. However, she has nothing to say about birth control, abortion, or lesbianism, so I guess you should probably give the Elsie doll to your daughter -- so she can make Barbie and the Bratz dolls torture her.
8:19:55 AM 
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