We Have Winners!
Yes, it's time to announce the winners in our latest round of "Who Said It?"
You people were fairly quick to name our Mystery Guests, although you didn't always get the topic on which they were opining (which, in all fairness, you probably wouldn't have even if you had read their entire column, since I'm not sure that even they knew what they were talking about). But we had such high quality guesses that we had to give out lots and lots of style points. (There were so many deserving entries that we could have given out even more sps, but we didn't, since we didn't want to dilute the honor of this award -- so, we preserved our integrity by favoring the earlier entries.)
And I do have to give some bonus points to arghous, who tried to find the Unified Field of Wintnuttery:
There's a single, overriding topic 'o the day that all six of our MGs were attempting to discuss? Lordy! I'll guess that seeing how Dick Cheney has lost his status as a super manly man following his latest foray into gross ineptitude, they're all valiantly trying to show, using their own humble selves as examples, that the Right still has the grand wingnuttiness to persevere in the holy crusade that Dick can no longer lead.
That, or the same topic 'o every week: that they're victims of the most insidious persecution by the Left so they'll stamp their little Trelaine feet and be very, very angry. Wah!
Yes, victimization does seem to be the Unified Field that explains all wingnuttery.
But on to our winners:
1. Bill O'Reilly, alerting the world to the fact that he hasn't seen Brokeback Mountain yet because he's too much of a cowboy to go to those new-fangled picture shows. (Instead of going to the movies, he spends quality time with his penis-shaped vibrator.)
Winner: Bill S. who got both the author and the context.
Style points:
- The Right Honourable Christopher Hazell, Esq. Viscount of Plocking-upon-Warwickshire:
Jason Voorhees. You can tell from the fact that his first reaction to a couple screwing in the wilderness is to kill them. It's not well known, but Mrs. Voorhees used to leave little Jason in theatres playing The Good, The Bad and The Ugly for days at a time.
Topic: Freddy Vs Jason: A Critical Analysis
I wonder what Clint, Lee and Eli would have done if they heard Bill talking about rubbing falafel over an intern in a shower. I don't think gunfire would have been involved but barf bags certainly would have.
#1 has to be Bill O'Reilly. I guess being Mr. Bluecollar guy isn't manly enough in these troublesome times, so now he wants to be a cowboy. Well, Gabby Hayes anyhow.
2. James Dobson, commenting on that "Renew America" column by Andrew Longman which Sadly, No! told you about.
It seems that it really hurt James' feelings that Alan Keyes would go around telling everybody that James believes that gays should have equal rights, when in truth James never said anything of the kind (he was just looking out for elderly sisters who live together but who DON'T have sex). And anybody who says otherwise wasn't being Christian.
Winners: Bill S., who named our wingnut, and D. Sidhe, who sorta provided the context ("James SpongeDob Squarepants, who apparently is in favor of some Ohio bill or another which would provide equal rights for fornicators, I still don't know why. I assume it's not because he's pro-homo.)
Well, it was actually a Colorado bill, and per Dobson, it would only provide equal rights for people who AREN'T HAVING SEX! (You know, so that Ben Shapiro can pull the plug on granny when the time comes.) But I still am going a point to Ms. Sidhe for her response.
Style Points:
- The Right Honourable Chris:
Jesus Christ. He's been losing his cachet here in America ever since people discovered that he never actually said anything about gays
Topic: His appearance on Oprah, hocking his newest book
3. Kaye Grogan, punditing about the plan to let a Saudi U.A.E. firm manage six of our ports. Kaye is against it. She's also against illegal aliens, caviar, and zombies.
Winner: Bill S.
Style Points:
- Tara the anti-social social worker
#3 is famous shrink-to-the-zombies Charles Krauthammer, trying to drum up business
4. Me, paraphrasing Ann Coulter, who apologized for her "raghead" remark by saying the following in her last column:
If you don't want to get shot by the police, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, then don't point a toy gun at them. Or, as I believe our motto should be after 9/11: Jihad monkey talks tough; jihad monkey takes the consequences. Sorry, I realize that's offensive. How about "camel jockey"? What? Now what'd I say? Boy, you tent merchants sure are touchy. Grow up, would you?
Winner: Bill S.
Style points:
The Intergalactic Empire's Official Court Jester Ann Coulter She was caught in a freak ion storm and it made her say some intemperate things about our glorious leader. It looks like it's off to the Agony Booth for her.
#4 is Harry Whittington, after a large payoff from Cheney.
Bizarro Ann Coulter, in a universe which doesn't exist, in a time which will never come to pass.
Was famed kitten tutorer, s.z. Why did she do it? For the sheer sake of pure evil, folks. And Green Stamps?.
5. Young Nathanael Blake, stealing Dr. Mike's shtick and whining about how "The Vagina Monologues" uses icky, dick-shriveling words, such as "vagina."
Winner: a cranny mint, who got both the writer and the context:
It is young Master Blake reveling that he can use "cunt" in an article. If it had been the Penis Monologues I am sure he would have been reclaiming the word smegma with the best of them.
Style Points:
I initially thought that #5 was from Dr. Mike— the guy who hopes more than anything that, on their next "hunting" trip together, Doug Giles shoots a "load" into his face just so he can "apologize" to him later for being "in the way."
#5 is VBen Shapiro, who was busy watching The L-Word, for, you know, research.
Dr. Professor Mike Adams attends Corretta Scott king's funeral and finds something to be offended by. Again.
6. Doug Giles, providing us with "A Hunter's Take on Cheney's Mistake." (And that take is that Dick's only mistake was shooting a fellow hunter in the face, while the media's larger mistake was reporting on it. And, to be fair, at least Dick forthrightly admitted his error, unlike how various Democrats would have hypothetically trotted out their friends to blame the victim for the accident, and how they wouldn't have corrected said friends for days, and how Brit Hume would have never called them on their moral cowardice.
Winner: Ken
Style Points:
While this coulda seemed like Bill O'Fallaffel, I think this is probably Rushbo, though there's no tell-tale drug joke. Or maybe it is O'Liely. [smacks forehead] D'oh! Relax--it's both! From Bill & Rush's magnum opus, "How to Turn a Pile of Pseudophed Into a Mountain of Cash--Building Your Own Meth Lab for Fun and Profit."
Doug "Really I'm one of the cool Christian kids" Giles. It's the weird "wedged-up-the-left's-backside" which seems more Gilesish than Limbaugian. While nuts, it lacks the oxycotin-induced drool factor.
7. Debbie Schlussel, explaining how Ann Coulter had no choice but to commit voter fraud, since so many Arab men want her.
As they do Debbie.
In fact, so many of the big, hulking, swarthy brutes, all reeking of testosterone and violence, want to have their way with Debbie that the FBI has ordered her to never again appear on the "Sean Hannity" radio show, no matter how much Sean begs her to return, which he does on an hourly basis because he is hopelessly in love with Debbie and wants to marry her.
Winner: Bill S.
Style Points:
Jack Bauer. He lives a dangerous life, that Jack. I didn't know he was in Mensa. You learn something new everyday, I guess.
Geez, MENSA?
You know, Debs, there's another place out there for people who do well on standardized tests that predict very little other than your success in areas that rely on facility with standardized tests. It's called "college"
I'm beginning to think you didn't do very well there. You sure don't say a lot to remind folks you've been.
Only Debbie would make "National Merit Finalist" a life-long resume item.
Debbie Snackcakes. Oh,and tell Ms. Mensa that it is "it is not an option for either Ann or me." Well, I guess they have one more reason to dismantle our public school system: "National Merit Finalist Doesn't Know Basic Grammar."
Our winners get "Wo'C Prize Points," which, when they collect in sufficient quantity, they may someday be able to trade for cool prizes such as these T-shirts from Arkansas Duck Hunter co. (as worn by Dick Cheney, possibly):
In the Spring I Strut, in the Fall I Rut
Click on Image for Larger View
Click on Image for Larger View
Anyway, congrats to everyone who participated in this round. And big smooches to our Mystery Guests, for providing us with such inspiring quotations.
9:18:29 PM 
|
