Friday, March 31, 2006

Wolverines! AKA "The NRA Breakfast Club"   As a special treat, here's Part Three of Scott C's patriotic summary of the greatest movie ever about a pack of teenage skunk-like critters who fight commies. ------------------------- Following the motivational death of their father Harry Dean Stanton, Patrick and Charlie  head on over to Old Man Exposition’s farm, where they learn that South Park is in Occupied Territory, while the far side of Brokeback Mountain is "F.A." (Free America. Doesn’t that sound like a nice place? I’d like to go there right now. Who’s with me? Anyone want to kick in for gas and tolls, we can carpool…) Old Man Exposition tries to cheer up C. Thomas by telling him that the Russians shot his Dad on account of all the shotguns and Fresca they took from his Gas Station/Soup Plantation/National Guard Armory. C. tries to feign a convincing breakdown by howling into his hands, but it doesn’t really work, so he turns to the farmer’s wife and hides his face in her wizened boobs. As a consolation prize, Old Man Exposition gives the boys his granddaughters (Lea Thompson and Jennifer Grey) as a free gift. He also gives them horses; Jennifer gets her own mount, but Lea has to ride behind C. Thomas, and she climbs up with a look that seems to say, "As soon as they yell ‘cut!’ I’m calling my agent and accepting that Howard the Duck offer!" Back on Brokeback, the gang listens to Radio Free America, which provides such helpful information as "The chair is against the wall," and "John has a long mustache…John has a long mustache," a euphemism so thinly veiled that Brent Bozell demands the Kremlin take immediate regulatory action. Lea looks into the distance and whispers, "Things are different now." Really? You think? Our heroes finally start the revolution by killing three Russian tourists (who had it coming after they brutally mistranslated a Forestry Service dedication plaque). But they do a crappy job of it, and one of them manages to radio for help (from God! Where’s your Lenin NOW, Mr. Commie?). Patrick traps the helpless, wounded man, and summoning the courage of his frontier forefathers and our current vice president, shoots him in the face. (And then presumably drinks his blood. Rules are rules.) Here the film takes a strange, leftward lurch; because even though Jennifer and Lea shot another wounded, crawling man in the back with a submachinegun, they suddenly and explicably turn into Two Women Who Make the World Worse by shrilly refusing Charlie Sheen’s suggestion that they do the dishes. Charlie can’t understand what he did wrong, but for the sake of their survival as an effective fighting unit, he grudgingly tries to make up by offering to pay them for sex. The Russians execute two dozen townspeople, either in reprisal, or because all the townsfolk are singing a rendition of "America the Beautiful" that’s really off-key and grating. (And while this is meant to be tragic, yet inspirational, here’s a tip for future victims of Russo-Cuban atrocities: When you get to the "above the fruited plain" part, never go up half an octave on "fruited" if you just don’t have the range.) Commandante Super Fly orders them all gunned down before they manage to undermine the solemnity of the moment by lustily belting out that "O beautiful for Pilgrim feet" line. Charlie watches the massacre while dressed like a sheave (with the coming of fall, our heroes have naturally switched from ferns to wheat and wild grasses to preserve that Fashion Forward look). When he gets back to Brokeback, Charlie weeps bitterly until Patrick grabs him and screams, "Don’t cry! Don’t you ever cry again as long as you live! Don’t do it!" He tells Charlie, who just saw their father murdered, to let his grief "turn into something else." Perhaps a butterfly, or a Pop-Tart – he doesn’t specify. To Be Continued . . . 1:11:48 AM     comment [] trackback []   The AFA Is Running Out of Things to Whine About   Or so it would seem, based on the email I got from them recently. Subj:    Oppose HBO's 'Big Love' show From:   afapetition@afa.net Dear World O'Crap, HBO's new series, Big Love, is about a polygamous family and is set in a Salt Lake City suburb. About the likely impact of this sexually driven show, the New York Times said, "We may never look at Utah and think white bread again." So, we are all supposed to take action against this HBO series just because it may cause us not to think of Utah as bland?  Is this, like, the lamest AFA boycott yet? HBO is a privately owned company and is not subject to FCC rules. Damn them all to hell!  How dare they not use the public airwaves to provide content to their  paying customers, and thus not be bound by governmental rules! However, here are a few suggested actions you can take to oppose this show: Take Action 1. Send an email to HBO Chairman Chris Albrecht and ask him to cancel HBO's Big Love show. I'm sure he will honor programming demands from concerned non-HBO subscribers such as myself and Don Wildmon. 2. The company that owns HBO (Time Warner) also owns AOL, Time Warner Cable, and Time magazine. You may wish to consider stopping doing business with these companies also. Fine, Don.  I will send out a note immediately.  It will go a little something like this . . . Dear AOL, Time Warner Cable, and Time Magazine: I am stopping doing business with you until such time as I can look at Utah and think white bread again. Sincerely, World O'Crap I hope you're happy, Don. If you think our efforts are worthy, would you please support us with a small gift? Hell, no!  Thank you for caring enough to get involved. My pleasure. I am always happy to mock your stupidly unworthy efforts. 12:41:35 AM     comment [] trackback []   If I Were a Hannity, And You Were a Lady   Some of you wanted to know about the claim that Sean Hannity was a construction worker.  (Okay, you didn't, but it seemed to be a big deal to Alec Baldwin, so I thought I'd do some research.) First, it's no secret -- in fact, Sean seems inordinately proud of it.  For example, here are a few sections from a Focus on the Family magazine feature on Sean from a few years ago: 'God lets me know that we're right'  Sean Hannity started out as a construction contractor who liked to call radio talk shows. Now he's behind the microphone, raising the kinds of moral issues even some conservative celebrities avoid. [...] "I was a conservative because I had listened to talk," he says. "It helped me form some of my opinions. And I didn't know it at the time, but I grew up listening to some of the best talk radio in the country." That truth had become abundantly clear by 1987. Living in Santa Barbara, Calif., running his own construction company between stints in college ("I always did well, but school wasn't my great love in life"), Hannity was frustrated by the city's lack of can-you-believe-they-actually-just-said-that talk radio. So, as D. Sidhe deduced, Sean wasn't actually DOING construction, he was a contractor (or"bully") for a while in the 1980's, but only in between gigs as a college dropout.    Here's a bit more about Sean's background from fan Alex Thrawn's definitive Sean Hannity Biography.  (Alex notes that "All information comes from Sean himself on his syndicated WABC Radio show.") [Sean] finally got his start in radio at the ripe old age of 27 on his college station in Santa Barbara, California where he worked for free.  He was fired for being too right on a left wing station. He actually got his "start" in radio by calling talk shows from 50 feet up a ladder while working. He had to drop in and out of college because he couldn't afford it. His dad said he would pay for it, but he decided to pay for it himself. He would go until he ran out of money, drop out, work, make some money and go back. To make a living he worked construction, which he said was hard, but really grounds you. He was later killed by the insurance costs when he started his own company. . ... He also worked construction and as a contractor and in some cases hired illegal aliens as long as they worked hard. So, you can see why Sean is proud of his rise from a contractor who hired illegal aliens (and presumably didn't give them any of that expensive insurance), to his present position as God's confidant. But sadly, along the way he lost the admiration of Alex, who says he will no longer be updating his Sean webpage due to Sean's milking of the Terri Schiavo case and his preoccupation with non-stories such as "the Runaway Bride."  It's so lame how Sean whores himself out for whatever the "hot topic" of the day is and I no longer listen to his entire show. Plus his kisses the butts of people who aren't on the right like John McCain and Joe Lieberman,. I just catch a few minutes a week. Rush Limbaugh and Mark Levin provide me with all the news I need. Um, good for you, Alex. Anyway, I hope that answered all your questions about Sean Hannity, Construction Worker.  Next time we will discuss the careers of some of the other Village People. 12:15:48 AM     comment [] trackback []

© Copyright 2006 World O' Crap. Last update: 4/2/2006; 10:58:12 PM. This theme is based on the SoundWaves (blue) Manila theme.