Red Dawn 5: This Time It's Personal!
Before I present the final exciting chapter of Scott C's recounting of the Red Dawn epic, I have an important announcement to make: America is being invaded AT THIS VERY MINUTE by a foreign power.
We now tune to WorldNetDaily for further information:
Woman 'has sex 28 times in 1 week' with boy
34-year-old science teacher accused of relations with 13-year-old student
--Wilmington News Journal, Delaware
Will your child have sex with the next Debra LaFave?
What's really behind today's epidemic of teacher-student carnal relations
--WND
Sorry, wrong alarmist headlines. This is the one I meant to share with you:
Could Mexico retake the southwestern U.S.?
Brad at Sadly, No! has already answered that question (he says, and I quote, "SADLY, NO! SUUUUUUUUUUH-ADLY, NOOOOO!!!" He also has facts and stuff, plus some adorable Mexican stereotypes). So, let's go back to WND for the details on how you could buy the video which exposes Mexico's invasion plans, if any copies were still available, which they're apparently not, even though WND is still hyping the video on their home page. (I blame Brad for causing a run on this product.)
Could Mexico retake the southwestern United States? Not only are the Mexicans capable, but an invasion is underway, insists immigration expert Glenn Spencer.
Yes, the invasion is underway!!! So, I expect all teenage residents of the southwest to form a resistance group modeled on the Wolverines, fight heroically, and then die stupidly.
In this well-documented video, Spencer unveils the aims of a radical movement that identifies itself as "America's Palestinians." Their ultimate goal is to reclaim the American Southwest, including California, Arizona, Nevada, New Mexico and parts of Colorado and Texas. Hispanic activists refer to the former Mexican territory as Aztlan, the mythical place of origin of the Aztec people.
I assume that the reason that America's Palestinians plan to reclaim only parts of Colorado is that the Cubans already have dibs on most of the state. I leave it to you to deduce which parts of Texas they don't want.
And that brings us to the thrilling conclusion of Red Dawn. I want to thank commend Scott C. for his bravery under fire, and I think we all owe him a large debt of gratitude (and possibly a round of drinks) for watching this movie so we didn't have to.
RED DAWN: The Final Chapter
DAY FOUR of our ascent up Mount Red Dawn. We have established base camp at the snowline, and despite the loss of two sherpas, we are preparing to make our assault upon the third act…
Anyway, Patrick sits alone and sobs, the little hypocrite, while mooning over a picture of two 8-year old boys in Little League uniforms. Fortunately, this too is never explained.
The snows melt. The Wolverines prepare to attack a convoy, but the Russians decide to insult their intelligence by pushing crates of food off the back to lure them into a trap, and they decide to fall for it. They devour the provisions – nothing more exciting in an action film than the sight of people eating cornflakes – and the director takes this belated opportunity to give the characters a shred of personality by having Jennifer Grey dribble orange juice on Patrick’s head.
Suddenly, a Soviet attack helicopter appears and shoots Jennifer in the gut, which is tragic, because only moments ago she was so alive, dribbling orange juice on a mediocre actor’s do-rag. Then more assault choppers fly in and it’s aimless running, shouting, and squibs a’plenty. Patrick shouts, "Nobody shoots Baby in the gut!" and throws her onto his horse and rides away. But she almost instantly falls off.
C. Thomas thrusts his rifle in the air and bellows, "Wolverines!" which the Russians take as a request to shoot him with a variety of projectiles until he is primarily a stain. Meanwhile Jennifer, despite taking a .50 round and falling off a galloping horse is still alive, which seems kind of cruel (what the hell do you have to do to get OUT of this movie?) and quite reasonably asks Patrick to shoot her. Alas, he’s too much of a whimpering little pussy to pull the trigger.
"Give me a grenade," she whispers. "I don’t want to be too cold." Yeah. That’ll warm you up. She blows up, taking one of the Russkies with her, then the colonel with the Stossel ‘stache shows up to have an ironic (okay, boring) debate about body counts.
Lea and Some Other Guy leave for Free America. Meanwhile, Patrick and Charlie rob corpses and profess their love for each other. In an achingly poignant exchange, Patrick observes, "It’s hard being brothers." Charlie thinks about this for a long moment, then says, "Yeah."
Back at Soviet HQ, tender, haunting music plays as we hear in voice over a letter Commandante Super Fly is writing to his wife, complaining about the weather. (According to Video Watchdog, award-winning documentarian Ken Burns was brought in specially to direct this scene.)
Then a bunch of crap blows up. A guard-tower falls over ala the opening credits of "F-Troop." Finally, Colonel Porn Stache and Patrick face off in a Wild West style shootout. "You lose," Patrick sneers, just before he gets shot a bunch of times.
Even though his lungs contain a large assortment of bullets, Patrick carries the wounded Charlie to a playground, while Commandante Super Fly whispers to them, "Vaya con Dios." They die together, embracing by a swingset.
Meanwhile, Lea and Some Other Guy re-enact the end of The Sound of Music and walk over the mountains to Free America. Then she turns into John-Boy Walton and sums up the Third World War with a pithy and listless voice over. Apparently, even though everybody’s dead, we won.
WOLVERINES!
So. What did we learn from this film about the values and verities that govern Red America?
Well, other than "don’t plagiarize from P.J. O’Rourke books," I’m not really sure. And since I just watched Red Dawn I’m going to have my brain sit quietly for awhile until the swelling goes away. Perhaps you, the viewer at home, could distill the lessons we’ve gleaned from this film, and thus help to both span and heal the chasm that separates progressive from conservative. Or not. Whatever.
WOLVERINES!!
ouch
12:16:22 AM 
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