The Official State Religion List

The New IMPROVED Official State Religion List

First, some background: back in October, while reading about David Limbaugh's book Persecution: How the Liberals Feed Christians to the Lions, we learned that David had found a brilliant way around the ol' seperation of church and state thing.  See, David says that the Bill of Rights only prevents the FEDERAL government from establishing a state religion, but it's okay for each individual state to have an official one (yes, this is THE hot, new Constitutional interpretation that all the right-wing lawyer-pundits are hip with).  

So, since society seems eager to get back to what the Founding Fathers wanted (and not what the evil Supremes have forced on us), I assume we are going to let each state set up its own state-sponsored religion, like they apparently did prior to 1947.  This promises lots of fun for everyone!

And, as other legal scholars (Alan Keyes, Ann Coulter) pointed out, if you don't like your state's religion, you can just move to one that suits your preferences.  See, that's the beauty of America: we have states to suit every religious preference, and no need to respect all of them when we can just move to a place where ours is the only one allowed.

But since most people don't want to buy a house, get the yard looking nice, and only THEN learn that their state's religion is "Professional Wrestling," I think we should start announcing what each state's official religion is now, to give everybody a chance to move, before the Official Religion clause of the First Amendment becomes binding on everybody. 

In order to get the ball rolling, I set something up.  My methodology was: I got a list of the states, ranked in order of population.  And then I went to U.S. Composite Demographics, and got a ranked listing of the most popular U.S. religions (it was taken from polls where people identified themselves with a particular religion or lack thereof).  This list includes demographic groupings other than religions, but more about that later.

Then I took the most populous state: California, and matched it with the religion that the most people said they belonged to: Christianity.  And so on, through the various states and religions.  Except that about 3/4 of the way through, I realized I was going to run out of religions, and so I assigned a few states another demographics grouping from the list (I didn't want to have any states with no one living in them; and besides, I figured that maybe the gays and lesbians, etc. would like their own state).  And when I got to the least populous states, I just got creative and assigned them a fun demographic group to try out, or a major world religion that I thought might be nice to have represented  in America.

You can see that first list and the Limbaugh quote that inspired it by going here:  Official State Religion List 

But we got a lot of suggestions and requests about that list (people noting that the official religon of Texas was really Football, and asking why the Weight Watchers got a state but Amway didn't, and things like that.  So, we incorporated the wisdom of our readers (and Ann Coulter) and came up with New Official State Religion List.

And we got even MORE comments about that list, some of them too brilliant to ignore.  We modified the list again, and presented to the world the list you will see below.  (If you want to see the comments that led to the changes, and our reasoning for incorporating them into an official document, go here: Improved Official State Religion List.)

Anyway, that's how we got the inspired document that you find here.  So, look this list over, and decide if you can live with your official state religion (keeping in mind it might involve hot dishes, bingo, and/or virgin sacrifices).  If you can't, start calling real estate agents in a state with a religion or other demographic grouping that you find more interesting.  And if you have a better idea, then let me or David know.

1.  California:                  Christian.  But within its borders will be the Independent Hubbardite Duchy of Hollywood, and also the Cult of Fame with its many temples devoted to the worship of various actors, pop stars, and celebrities
    
2. Texas:                        Secular Humanism, Football
3. New York:                 Liberalism 
4. Florida:                      Catholic  
5. Illinois:                      Protestantism
6. Pennsylvania:            "Born again" or "evangelical" 
7. Ohio:                          Evangelical (theologically),  Avon
8. Michigan:                   Methodist, United Methodist Church
9. New Jersey:              Baptist, Southern Baptist
10. Georgia:                   Judaism

11. North Carolina:        Sikhism, Mimes
12. Virginia:                   Presbyterian, Lord of the Ringism
13. Massachusetts:        Eastern Orthodox
14. Indiana:                   Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons)
15. Washington:            Non-religious, Frisbetarians
16. Tennessee:              gay/lesbian
17. Missouri:                  Episcopalian, Satanists
18. Wisconsin:               Lutheran, Evangelical Lutheran Church in America
19. Maryland:                 Lapsed Catholics
20. Arizona:                   Pentecostal

21. Minnesota:              Buddhist
22. Louisiana:               Non-denominational
23. Alabama:                 French Speakers
24. Colorado:                Megachurch attendance, Sports (non-football denomination)
25. Kentucky:                Jehovah's Witnesses
26. South Carolina        United Church of Christ, Martha Stewartentalism 
27. Oklahoma:              Mennonite Church USA
28. Oregon:                   agnostic, Druids
29. Connecticut             Churches of Christ
30. Iowa:                       Hindu, Jedi, Shaker

31. Mississippi:              Baha'i, Harry Potter-style Witchcraft
32. Kansas:                    Christian Church (Disciples of Christ)
33. Arkansas:                 Unitarian Universalist
34. Utah:                        Seventh-day Adventists
35. Nevada:                   Neo-pagan (incl. Wiccans)
36. New Mexico:            Church of the Nazarene
37. West Virginia:          Reformed Church in America (RCA); Zenith, Magnovox
38. Nebraska:                Zoroastrianism, Canadians
39. Idaho:                      Atheists
40. Maine:                      Native American Religionists, Beer Drinkers

41. New Hampshire:      Libertarian party members
42. Hawaii:                     Deism
43. Rhode Island:           Weight Watchers
44. Montana:                  Amway, Herbal Life, Telemarketers
45. Delaware:                Muslims
46. South Dakota:          Royites, Moonies.
47. North Dakota:          Zombies, Excommunicated Royites
48. Alaska:                     Gun Worshippers United (led by Charleton Heston)
49. Vermont:                  Ba'al
50. District of Columbia: primal-indigenous
51. Wyoming:                Rastafarianism

Guam:                              Taoism
Iraq:                                 Showgirlism
American Samoa:            Palm Pilotism   
Johnston Island/Atoll:    Promise Keepers 
Midway Island:                Jewish Mysticism, as practiced by ditsy celebrities
N. Mariana Islands:         Dittoheads
Panama Canal Zone:       Mel Gibsons Passion of Christ-ites          
Puerto Rico:                    UFOlogy
U.S. Virgin Islands:         Conservatives  
Wake Island:                  George Bush

Well, there you have it.  I hope everybody can find something to their liking on this list, and either convert to it or move to it's assigned location by 1 January, because that's what makes America great: The Constitution.

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