And now, Duh! takes you to the far side of the globe, deep within the country of Kablamistan, where special Duh! agents have planted a bug in the hideout of suspected international terrorists.
Mullah: What is wrong, Amir? You look like someone has just slashed the hooves of your camel.
Amir: Oh, my brother! My heart is heavy. I am fresh out of ideas for death and destruction. That cursed department of homeland security has put the fat security men and the metal detectors at every corner of America. Even at hot dog stands you must go through metal detector.
Mullah: What about jet planes again? As a wise man once said, if you find a good way to blow things up, don't change it!
Amir: You must be joking Amir! That is where mother of all fat security man and metal detectors are. Besides, the infadels will stare at us the moment we walk into airport.
Mullah: And if they do, you sue airport! Call Johnny Cochran! Say, racial profiling! FYB: flying while turbaned.
Amir: You are a dreamer my brother. I am afraid we need better plan than that.
Mullah: Well then, we shall turn to advice of very trusted friend.
Amir: What friend?
Mullah: Why CNN, of course. Wolf Blitzer always give Mullah good ideas.
Mullah switches on the tv. A commercial comes on for a ladies' disposable razor. A leggy blond is shaving her legs in the shower.
Amir: May Allah poke out my eyeballs with hot burning pokers! What sort of satanic show is this? Women with legs? Women do not have legs, Mullah! They have tentacles with claws, which is why they must be covered at all times! Turn off this evil nonsense at once!
Mullah: Relax, Amir! Is just western propoganda. In America they tell men that women have arms and legs and faces so that they will live and work with them. Do not be alarmed.
Amir: I am alarmed, but Amir will be strong. Oh, look. Newsman comes on now.
Wolf Blitzer: Good evening ladies and gentlemen, Wolf Blitzer reporting...
Amir: This man has nice beard.
Mullah: Shush, Amir! We must listen.
Wolf Blitzer: Tonight we give you a special report: America's chemical plants. Are they vulnerable to terrorist attacks? What we found may shock you!
Amir: Or please us, Mr. Blitzer with the nice beard.
Mullah: Amir, please!
Amir: Oh, sorry.
Wolf Blitzer: CNN has found that thousands of America's chemical plants, which utilize tons and tons of toxic chemicals are completely vulnerable to attack. Millions of Americans could die if they were bombed.
Mullah: You see, Amir! Already a great idea.
Amir: Yes, but with all those thousands of chemical plants, how do we know which one is best to attack?
Wolf Blitzer: CNN will now show you which chemical plants are the most vulnerable, and pose the most danger due to their proximity to major metropolitan areas.
Mullah: You see, you must listen, Amir. Don't make me cut out your tongue.
Wolf Blitzer: Here you have the ACME Chemical Co. just outside of New York. There are 12 million people living within a fourteen mile radius of this plant, and it is virtually a ticking time bomb. As you can plainly see, the plant has frequent air traffic overhead, and is next to an interstate overpass.
Amir: Did you see what road that was? I couldn't see.
Wolf Blitzer: That overpass is part of the New Jersey Turnpike...
Amir: Yes, but...
Wolf Blitzer: between exits 26 and 27, just south of the Triborough brige.
Amir: How do you spell....
Wolf Blitzer: That's Triborough, t-r-i-b-o-r-o-u-g-h.
Amir: Thank-you. Wait! (Amir does double take at tv). Wait, is this trick? Does this man work for us?
Mullah: No, Amir. But keep that quill dipped in the blood vat, there is more information coming.
Wolf Blitzer: And now our report will reveal something even more shocking. Look now, as I show you the security gate where two armed security guards should be guarding this industrial vat of terror. As you can see, they are nowhere to be found.
Amir: Maybe, they are just taking a leak? Why does this Wolf have to bust their balls like this? I would blow up his house if he did that to me!
Mullah: Shuttup!
Wolf Blitzer: The reason these securtiy guards are no longer at there posts is because one of our producers, in the interests of revealing the terrible vulnerability at our chemical plants, bribed them to leave with a six pack of bush lite and some pork rinds. One of the guards took the bribe immediately, while another one pretended to act offended and we had to sedate him, tie him up and hold him prisoner in our news truck.
Amir: I am beginning to think this Wolf is a little coo-coo.
Wolf Blitzer: Yes, it was a travesty to see how easy it was for me and my news team could gain access to this veritable temple of doom. Once we got past the outer security, there was a pitiful attemp to stop us with a half dozen more security men, and some alarms and flahsing lights. My producer, and I were easlily able to defeat this bumbling squad of buffoons with our own well trained cadre. Yes, our special investigative snipers and infantry men were able to gun down the remaining security with little difficulty indeed. I had the pleasure of strangling one of the men with my micrphone cable. I laughed as he begged for mercy.
Amir: Hey, that WoLf is taking our job!
Wolf Blitzer: Yes, with the security gunned down and dead, there was only one more thing I could do to demonstrate the great vulnerability of this mouthwatering terrorist target. With the help of my producers and camera man I, Wolf Blitzer, opened up every valve and and pipe in this backyard WMD and let the pent up poisons blech into the evening sky. Within minutes, millions of New Yorkers were dead. They were dead becaue they didn't listen to me! THEY DIDN'T LISTEN TO THE MIGHTY WOLF!
Amir gets up and snaps off the tv.
Amir: This is terrible. You turn on CNN to give us idea, and now we out of job. I curse, in you camel's milk!
Mullah: Bite your wicked tongue, infadel, or I shall blow you to smithereens.
Mullah opens his robe to reveal a ticking time-bomb strapped to his chest. Amir freezes and looks at the deadly device.
Amir: Mullah!
Mullah: What?
Amir: Where did you get that bomb strap? It looks fantastic. Is it suede?
Mullah: Oh, you really like it? I ordered it online from Old Navy.
Amir: Ha! I tricked you.
Amir opens his own robe and reveals his own bomb which blows everything to smithereens.
(I'm no Pesky the Rat, but this silly satire hit me after watching a CNN report which was almost this bad).
8:01:20 PM 
|
