terrific news from around the globe
The news seems extra-especially horrible today: explosions in Istanbul, riots in Miami, molestations in modesto. It makes me want to crawl under my bed and never come out.
But instead I am reporting my own Terrific News from Around the Globe.
*In Macon, Georgia today all the gum and cigarettes on the sidewalks were mysteriously turned into diamonds, emeralds, and other semi-precious stones.
*In Topeka, Kansas the mayor gave everyone the rest of the year off.
*In Toronto, everyone was given the ability to fly and play the tuba.
*In Bogota, Columbia, all the drug dealers turned themselves in, and said they were sorry.
One senior drug lord was quoted as saying, "I just woke up this morning and said, 'hey! I've been a total jerk all these years, killing people, addicting the world to drugs. Who needs all that!"
*In Ethiopia everyone got a good paying executive job and started driving BMWs.
*In Anarctica, a Carraba's Italian Restaurant was finally opened, as well as a Muvico 20.
*Everywhere, everything became wonderful.
7:16:42 PM 
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