Tuesday, December 02, 2003

rankings Here are my rankings by page reads on salon.com.  The more hits you get on your blog, the better you are.  If you get more hits than someone else, than you are better than them. I am a better person than the "different strings" blogger.  But I am a worse person than the "pornographer's picks" blogger. It is important in life to be better than everyone.  You must defeat everyone and prove that you are the best.  Then you must buy a jet and hire strippers to perform in your honor. 9:26:13 PM    comment []

agent 1037 Here is a picture of my blog on my blog. If you video tape your monitor you will see a rectangular shadow drift down the screen.  This is the CIA scanning your thoughts with a special, secret mind probe. When the CIA scanned my mind they discovered that I was hungover.  Agent 1037 put this in his record and then went to the breakroom to get a snack.  He decided to get the Cheetos because they were ten cents cheaper than a snickers bar. But when agent 1037 put in his change and pressed the button, the Cheetos got stuck against the glass.  He shook the machine a little bit but it didn't help. When agent 1037 returned to his desk he pressed a red button by his computer.  This caused a socialist diplomat from a tiny island-nation to instantly explode. 9:19:23 PM    comment []

The rambling caricture artist girls. 6:58:47 PM    comment []

Beavis and Butthead Here's one of the rambling caricture girls doing her portrait of Bob Bandit. "You made me look like Beavis and Butt-head put together," Bob said upon its completion. 6:56:17 PM    comment []

I had to edit the thing about the dc groper.  The dc groper is rich and would sue the fuck out of me if he ever saw his face on my blog. 6:53:34 PM    comment []

last night's jibberish Well, let's see here.  Last nights jibberish could probably use a little clarification. Against my better juddgmet, I met Bob Bandit over in Tampa at the Blue Martini.  I figured I would tag along on one of his crazy, debaucherous evenings and maybe hook up with one of the zillions of hots babes that are always supposed to be swarming around over there.  I brought my camera to snap a few pics for the blog. Of course, it turned out that there was hardly anyone at the Blue Martini on that particular night.  Bob swears it was the only night he's ever seen it dead like that.  No girls, no nothing. Well, one particular girl did show up.  It was my ex.  She arrived with Dave Belout(?), a reporter for one of the local news stations.  I guess my ex was doing an informal interview in hopes of getting a job at his station.  And, of course, she looked goddamned better than ever.  So after a few drinks, we all ended up at the same table.   Bob's millionaire friend from Washington DC arrived, (the groper), plus there was Bob's personal driver, and some other shady characters that drifted in and out. It was  a strange mix of people and situations indeed, with all of the guys drooling over my ex, including myself.  I don't really want to say how it all ended up, except that I wasn't about to let Bob Bandit make a move on my ex. While we were drinking away, a couple of girls came by and asked to do carictures of all of us for a dollar a apiece.  They were trying to make it down to Miami, and rasing money by doing their drawings in various bars and stuff.  I guess no one else at the Blue Martini was obliging the girls, so we said they could draw all of us. The pictures looked pretty good, I guess.  I gave the one girl five dollars for mine. 5:38:26 PM    comment []

goddamn it...why doesn't anything ever work out...nothing ever seems to work out....not even when you pray to god with all your heart when youredrunk and desperate and dying and throwing up in your soul of lonliness... 2:36:02 AM    comment []

I love that girl...no matter how many times it blows up in my face..I love that girl... 2:29:52 AM    comment []

everything I ever loved and held precious perverted and destroyed and thrown back in my face and kicked in my brain till it hurt so bad that I died a million times over 2:28:24 AM    comment []

I went to the Blue Martini to pick-up girls with Bob Bandit.  But I ended up running into my ex instead. It was really freaking cold and after a while I couldn't stop shaking.  As I drank margarita, after margarita, I wiped the salt off the rim of the glass and crunched it. 2:26:45 AM    comment []

Bob Bandit is quite possibly the king of all womanizers. While we were drinking, one of his ex's called.  She had been at his house the night before because her current boyfriend strangled her and through her down a flight of stairs. But I guess while she was  staying at Bob's, she failed to clean up some shit that Bob's cat had shat on the carpet.  Bob freaked on her and told her to go back an clean up the cat shit. 2:25:35 AM    comment []

My ex showed up with Dave Belout of Fox 13 news.  She was drinking grey goose gimlets. Before you know it, she was sitting right next to me and I was sweatin' her pretty hard. I timed one of my trips the bathroom to coincide with one of her returns from the bathroom and caught her in the hallway. 2:24:42 AM    comment []

That's Dave Belout with Fox thirteen news on the left.  (He has to forgive me if I'm spelling his name wrong, or saying the wrong news station, I'm just a blogger and not an accredited journalist.) While he was there Dave Belout had to return some co-co butter for his girl friend.  I guess he had gotten the wrong kind. "Fuck.  Give me that co-co butter," Bob said.  "I'll put it to good use." When the artist girls came along, Dave told them he might be able to do a segment on them for the news.  A couple of rambling art girls type of thing.  Before you know it they were giving Dave Belout there cell numbers.  Pretty good gimmick. 2:23:47 AM    comment []

It's hard to stay mad at a girl that you want to fuck. 2:22:04 AM    comment []

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