Monday, December 08, 2003

LOOKING FOR NICE ASS? CLICK HERE!   Or click the links below:   >                         OR HERE!               OR CLICK HERE FOR MORE NICE ASS!                         this is the story of the... grinch that scammed christmas When I picked Bob up for work this morning he showed me these little construction paper angels with the names of little kids on them.  Along with the names were the toys that these kids had asked from Santa Claus.  It was a charity that a local hooters was putting on to get toys to needy kids. "These are all little foster kids that don't got no money for presents or anything.  I'm gonna buy them every present on here as my good deed for the year." Me and Joe looked at each other with skepticism.  If Bob was ever a character in a christmas special, he was the Grinch, not Santa Claus. "Come on, Bob," what's the catch here? 9:23:26 PM     "The catch is that all the Hooters girls are gonna love me even more for doin' it and I'm gonna bang every one of them." Then Bob called up his friend Dave at channel ten news and tried to pitch him on doing a story about his good deed for the year.  But I guess Dave didn't want to bite on such an obvious act of self-promotion, especially when it was a friend of his.  Dave declined the Santa/hero story. But Bob was relentless as always, and he had his friend (the DC Groper) call every news organization in town and tell them about the stunt.  Finally, Bay News 9 said they'd come out.  (Of course, I had to get a couple pictures for the blog).  9:21:41 PM     I called Bob towards the end of the work day to see how his toy shopping was going. "Dude, I got everything on the list.  I spendth eight-hundred dollars." It was four-thirty in the afternoon and Bob was already drunk at the Martini Bar. "I'm havin the people load the toys in the Hummer right now." 9:20:50 PM      Bob said to meet him at the Hooters at 5:30, but when I got there he was still drinking at the Martini Bar.  So I went inside and had a Buffalo chicken salad and looked at the Hooters girls. At 6:10 the Bay News 9 guy showed up.  "Are you here about the toy story?"I asked. "Yeah, what's it all about anyway?" the news guy asked.  "It's my boss," I said.  "I guess he splurged on some toys." By 6:45 Bob still hadn't showed up and the news guy was getting really antsie. "When's this guy gonna show up anyway?"  I tried to keep the guy patient by asking him what else he'd reported on that day.  "Pollution at a power plant," he said. "Really?" I said. 9:20:05 PM     Finally Bob rolled up in his Hummer and backed up in front of Hooters.  He was pretty drunk and the DC Groper took it upon himself to be his personal spokesperson. "I just want to say what a wonderful thing my friend has done," the Groper said to the news man.  "You'll have to excuse him though, he's had a couple of cocktails." (That's Bob on the left.  That's not the DC groper on the right.  It's this guy Bob pays to drive his Hummer when he's too drunk). 9:19:17 PM     There was a moment of confusion and indecision at first with the camera rolling and all of us standing around behind the hummer. "Whadduwe do now?" Bob said. "Maybe we should get some Hooters girls out here to unload the toys," I said. "That's a great idea," Bob said. 9:18:14 PM     Bob got the Hooters girls to leave their chicken wings and beer behind long enough to come out and unload the toys. "I can't help unload anything," Bob said. "I've been hauling presents all day long across a parking lot the size of a football field." (This, of course, was a complete lie.  The heaviest thing Bob has ever moved is a tumbler full of ice and booze). But who would want to watch Bob unload presents from a Hummer anyway. 9:17:20 PM     I made sure to snap some pictures which captured the true spirit of the occasion!   9:16:08 PM     Well, so that's the story of the Grinch that scammed Christmas.  Was it ultimately a good deed for some unfortunate kids, or  shameless self promotion by a scoundrel who just wants to bang a bunch of hooters girls?  You can be the judge of that. Meanwhile, I had to get a picture with one of the Hooters girls.  Unfortunately, I couldn't hold the camera back far enough to get her hooters in the photo. 9:15:16 PM     some personal updates Well, just when you start really having fun with some electronic device, namely a camera, it goes and falls apart on you.  I have a really great Bob Bandit story to show and tell, but it will have to wait until I get my video situation worked out. In the meantime, here are some personal updates: *My ex busted me lying to her about my car breaking down so I could continue with my internet date.  She called me right before I went on the date to see if I wanted to "hang out."  I thought hang out meant "sure sex."  But then my internet date turned out to be pretty cool and I had to concoct a quick story to cover my situation.  I told her my car breaking down story while I was taking a leak at the Green Iguana in Tampa.  It has one of those bathrooms where a dude stands there by the sink and hands you a wash cloth after your done.  It seemed silly to have a wash cloth dude in a place like the green iguana, since it was a causal beer and wings joint.  I told myself that I wasn't going to give the guy any money because it was just a stupid waste.  I can wash my own hands afterall. But then the poor little guy turned on the the sink and handed me the wash cloth.  The next thing you know I was giving him a dollar. (Oh, and a couple days after lying that my car broke down, it really did break down, with the exact problem that I had made up.  Coincidence? Magic? The work the archangel Michael?  Decide for your self). *One of my partners in the tree business was working on the house he is building out in Odessa when suddenly he shot a nail through his thumb with a nail gun.  His thumb was literally nailed to the board.  He had to go to the hospital holding the board all the way into the examination room.  He said he even took some digital pictures along the way, and promises to e-mail them to me.  When I get this damn video situation worked out I will post them for all to see. *Another reason I tend to dislike washcloth dudes is that I can't really pee when someone is sitting there waiting on me.  Also, sometimes I just don't feel like washing my hands.  But with that guy there I feel like I have to.  And then I feel like I have to do an extra good job of washing my hands, not just the token spigot squirt that I do when some stranger happens to be at the other stall. *I'm going to go on my second internet date tomorrow down in Sarasota. I don't think this lady wants to be on a blog, so I will keep it quiet, unless I can get her to agree to go online after a few margaritas.  But until then, mum's the word. *I haven't seen my neighbor since the opening the door naked incident the other night.  I'm not really sure what I would say if I did see him, "Hey, was that you out there at three am seeing some dude into his car?  If you saw me naked in my doorway its just because I thought people might be worried that my house was on fire, and then I heard these voices outside, and I forgot I had no clothes on when I opened the door."  It's probably better to just let the incident fade into history.   8:47:06 PM

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