funny google searches
I've always wanted to do a blog post about some of the hits that I get from peculiar google searches. One of my most consistent, peculiar google connections is from the query, "crack whore." I wrote a short story a couple months back about an experience I had with a crack whore here in St. Petersburg and ever since then, I get at least a dozen hits a day from people looking up "crack whore" on line. Now that I've written "crack whore" several more times, I'm sure that my hits from people wanting to find out something about crack whores will double or triple.
Now, I will give you a sample of some of the strange google (or other search engine) hits, just from today:
(hmm, well wouldn't you know it. I don't have very many funny google hits today, but here's what I do have):
greg fart: I wrote a story about a friend of mine who tried to play off a fart by making fart noises with his mouth just after he really farted. I saw him do this and let him get away with it for twenty five years or so. But then I wrote the story because I couldn't let the charade of greg's fart go on any longer. Now I get regular "greg's fart" hits and I wonder: is there really more than one person who wants to find what "greg's fart" pulls up on the interenet, or is greg just rereading his own fart story ever couple of days. Who knows?
oakley, thermonuclear protection, mullet: one of my near misses with fame was when I was the cover model for a novelty product called the instant mullet. The instant mullet was a little tuft of hair attached to the back of a pair of Oakley knock-offs (those cheesy, orange, reflective sunglasses that are worn these days only by people that still wear mullets). When you put on the Oakley's with the tuft of hair attached it instantly gave you a mullet. Spencer's gifts bought the mullet invention from my friend John Vitale, and stocked a few thousand in its stores worldwide. But then Osama bin Laden destroyed a chunk of Manhattan a few days after its debut and everyone in America lost their sense of humor and bought American flags instead. (John briefly considered turning the mullet hair into some sort of Osama beard gag, but then thought better of it).
chubby gay: I wrote a story about how my Dad took me to the David Bowie concert when I was seventeen. (If you knew my Dad you would find that very peculiar in and of itself. It was some sort of a"reaching out to my reclusive teenager gesture"). Anyway, the whole point of the story is that while my Dad and I were stoically and silently watching the David Bowie concert with our hands neatly folded in our laps, there was this "chubby gay" guy behind us who was screaming and singing and dancing and practically orgasming with each new David Bowie song. Since posting the story, I've found that there's a lot of people looking up "chubby gay" on the internet as a particular sexual turn on. Lucky for me and my blog.
pooped pants: I wrote a story about pooping in my pants in the first grade. A friend of mine tried to help me out by saying some brown stuff from my chair got on my pants. But it was the brown stuff in my pants that got on my chair. As we were walking to lunch this one kid was shouting in my face, "Mark pooped his pa-ants! Mark pooped his pa-ants!" I made a futile attempt to change the subject by saying, "have you ever been to Disney World?"
fat guy in fruit of the looms: From a story I wrote about being a bus boy at tropical bar and restaurant. A repugnant head janitor kept inviting me over to his apartment for beers.
okay, that's all I got for now. More funny google hits as they pop up or as I remember them.
5:54:00 PM 
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I set my boss, Bob "Bandit" Planthaber up with his own match.com profile. I guess he was intrigued by my stories of meeting girls on line and going out on dates with them. (Of course, I had downplayed how many fat and ugly girls there are on there). But, as always Bob had to do his match profile to the extreme. I took twenty five photos (the max allowed by match) of him posing next to all of his expensive cars and opulent home furnishings. So, if you'd like to go on a date with Bob Bandit, just search "powerquest10" on match.com. I have a link to the left, but it closes down 45 minutes after the account has bee idle).