left to fend for myself
There's one grim phenomenon about Christmas that I tend to forget until the hour is upon me. By Christmas eve, most stores and restaurants begin to close up shop and turn out their lights. This seems fine and dandy at first. Afterall, people in the retail and food service industry deserve to have a holiday too, right?
But then comes the cold hard consequences. Suddenly, I want something to eat. I look in my fridge. I remember that I don't keep anything in there but old ketchup and a couple of beers. So then I grab my car keys and head for the closest drive through. Then I realize. When I get to the taco bell it is cold and dark. The chairs are stacked on the tables behind the locked doors. I look across the street to Burger King. Its deserted. Lifeless. Empty. I look up and down the street. Its a ghost town. No, its worst than a ghost town. Its a post-apocalyptic wasteland.
Damnit, I think. I'm hungry. Don't those lazy fuckers care about me? Did the Taco Bell people ever consider my needs? What if I starve? What if I die?
So what is everyone else doing for food on this stupid holiday? I know, they're probably feasting themselves on hams and turkeys and sweet potatoes with their friends and families. I can just see them, toasting big goblets of red wine, Uncle Jim playing Christmas carols on the piano. Little cousin timmy trying out his new chu-chu train.
Meanwhile, I'm out here in the Mc Donald's drivethrough. A cold winter wind is wipping through my window. Why didn't I get invited to any Christmas party? Huh? Just because I hate everybody and hate Christmas and can't stand getting or giving presents? Was that their pretext for leaving me out here in the cold? All of you be damned! I will destroy Christmas! I will destroy the world!
actually
That's not really what happened. I spent Christmas with my family too, on Anna Maria Island. But, I did find it very difficult to grab a bite to eat before I went down there. The only restaurants I could find open were the IHOPs and Denny's. The first IHOP had a line out the door. The first Denny's had a 25 minute wait.
But the second Denny's had a bar stool available immediately. I had the ultimate omlette and a cup of coffee. I read up on mad cow disease and terrorist threats in the newspaper. I almost made it through my breakfast in a comfortable solitude until I felt a hand on my shoulder.
"Hey what are you doing here?" I heard from a friendly, female voice.
It was my neighbor lady from next door. The Yoga instructor.
"You're not all alone on Christmas, are you?"
"Oh no, I'm on my way down to Anna Maria Island. I've got lots of family there."
I'm not sure if she believed me. She kept looking at me like I was supposed to confess something or break down crying.
"Don't forget that you still have a pair of your earrings on my dresser," I reminded her.
"Oh, that's right," my Yoga neighbor replied. Then she gave me a kiss on the lips.
7:21:28 PM 
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