Wednesday, January 21, 2004

you can't eat that in here I used to hang out at my friend Tom Foster's house when I was a teenager.  Tom had pretty bad allergies and he was always blowing his nose.  Whenever he finished blowing his nose he just threw the tissue aside onto the floor.  Eventually he had this giant pile of used tissues in his room the size of a small haystack.  Then one time I got a cookie out of Tom's kitchen and brought it back to Tom's room to eat it. "Uh-uh," Tom said, pointing to the cookie.  "You can't eat that in here.  It will attract bugs." 6:52:51 PM    comment []

stupid motherfucker When I see people face to face I always have a polite and courteous demeanor. When I get inside my car I always call everyone stupid mother. One time I was picking up my little sister from school when she was in second or third grade.  This soccer mom in a mini van in front of me was taking what I thought was a little too long in the child pick-up area. "You stupid, motherfucker," I said. My window was open and the soccer mom heard me. "Oh my God!  What did you say?" she said.   6:31:29 PM    comment []

too much BS I took some art classes a few years ago and worked really hard painting and drawing trying to become a rich and famous artist. I did this one drawing of a shoe and I put it up on the wall with all of the other art students' work to be critiqued by the class and the teacher. The teacher criticized me for signing my name so big and boldly on my shoe drawing.  She said it showed too much ego, and it overshadowed the work itself. After a while I decided there was too much painting and drawing and other BS involved in art classes, and I dropped out and tried my best to be a rich and famous artist on my own. I drew this self-portrait and turned it into a poster and plastered dozens of of copies of it all over town. I got arrested for vandalism, but with help of a liberal lawyer with a ponytail, I had had my $8,000 dollar fine reduced to $200. A few months later I made three giant, yelllow cubicle monuments to myself.  They had my picture on it and they said, "messiah of american art." I drove them to Orlando and set them up in a city park with my cousin Tim.  The park police kicked us out before we could finish setting up my monuments to myself.  So my cousin and I took my monuments to the side of a busy commercial road.  The wind must have been gusting at 45 miles per hour and it was very difficult to set up my monuments. But finally we did it and my giant portraits on the yellow cubes were beaming at the traffic going by.  The monuments told everyone I was the "messiah of american art". This one artsie looking girl pulled over and took a look at my monuments.  Then she got in her car and drove away. Pretty soon Tim and I took down my giant yellow monuments to myself and we drove back to St. Pete. I still didn't get rich or famous.  I thought about setting my monuments up somewhere else, but there was too much BS involved and I never did. 6:00:43 PM    comment []

the magic of static electricity Once I opened  a pack of cigarettes and tossed the little cellophane wrapper to the side.  Through the magic of static electricity the little cellophane wrapper stuck to the wall. It stayed there for weeks. 5:48:27 PM    comment []

© Copyright 2004 Mark Michaels. Last update: 2/1/2004; 6:28:35 PM.