Thursday, February 19, 2004

unloved cartoons Once every few years I decide that my true calling in life is to be a cartoonist.  When this feeling hits me I will feverishly draw up a bunch of cartoons and send them somewhere, eagerly expecting to be discovered and syndicated. The last time I tried this I did about forty cartoons and sent a sample of them to our local alternative weekly, The Weekly Planet.  I called and called to see if they liked my cartoons and might publish them.  But after weeks of pestering I couldn't even find someone who had even seen them. Then like most of my success obsessions, I gave up and threw my cartoons in a desk drawer.  But now I can go back in time and tell the me that was so eager to publish his cartoons that my work would one day make its way onto the consolation prize of publishing--a blog. This was probabaly my favorite cartoon from that batch.  (Most of the others are pretty stupid).  But I liked this one because the visual evidence of the cartoon so thoroughly contradicts the reassuring statement of the man to the woman.  You see, everything is not going to be okay:  they are sinking, their boat is on fire, they are being hit by nuclear missiles, sharks and octopuses are about to get them, there's even a killer whirlpool and an explosive mine.) 10:54:29 PM    comment []

a tale of two DUIs I know two people that have been caught driving under the influence this past week, person X and person Y (pictured right). Person X was this kid that had a few beers on a Saturday night and then got pulled over for weaving or some such thing.  The cops smelled his breath and then did their drunk test and then took the kid to jail.  The kid got out of jail the next day and then went back to his mom and dad's house where he lives.  A few days later the Sherriffs showed up at the kid's house and arrested him again.  His DUI was a violation of his probation, so they took him off to jail again where he is serving a 10 day sentence.  The kid will spend his birthday in jail.  When the kid gets out of jail for violating his probation, he will have to go to trial for DUI.  Since this is his second DUI, he will probably go to jail again. Person Y went to all fanciest bars in Tampa last night and got roaring drunk, as he does everynight.  Early this morning he got in his Hummer and went to work still drunk.  As he was going to work person Y collided with a derelict on a bicycle.  The Hummer ran right over the derelict's leg and crushed it.  When the police got to the scene person Y did his own little trial right on the accident scene.  "The dude rode his bike right into me," Person Y said to the cops.  "Look at the dent on my wheel well.  I would have to be driving sideways to hit a guy like that." This is what the derelict bicycle rider said, "My leg!  Oh my God, my leg!!" The police went with what person Y said and let him go, without even a ticket.  Person Y went to work and made a thousand dollars in 26 minutes.  Then he got back in his Hummer and said, "this has been the worst day of my life.  I'm going to get a six pack right now."  Then person Y drove back to his mansion where a stripper was waiting to suck his dick.  5:39:39 PM    comment []

preschool lunches I used to be envious of other kid's lunches in preschool.  They would open their Evil Kinievel lunch boxes and pull out thermoses full of Chef-boy-ardee raviolies or Spaghetti-Os.  They would still be hot and steaming and delicious smelling.  They would have delicious looking desserts like Jello brand pudding, or Little Debbie Cakes or rice crispy treats. I would open up my paper lunch bag and pull out a squished peanut butter sandwich.  Next to the squished peanutbutter sandwich there would be this clump of cold tin foil.  I would pick at the tin foil and unfold it.  Inside the the cold tin foil would be a piece of a carrot. 8:01:00 AM    comment []

© Copyright 2004 Mark Michaels. Last update: 3/1/2004; 8:15:56 AM.