Sunday, March 07, 2004

here comes the merchandising! I would be remiss in my responsibilities as a megalomaniac if I didn't try to promote and profit from my blog by whatever means available.  So here is my first official "duh" product through the modern marvel of cafe press.  This shirt retails for $21.99, which breaks down to 16 bucks for them and six bucks for me.  There didn't seem to be a black t-shirt option, which is really stupid since thats what all the cool, club kids wear that like to rally around various obscure and underground anti-pop icons. Stay tuned for hats, coffee cups, handbags, and more! 6:02:59 PM    comment []

like a detention for a whole weekend The department of motor vehicles robbed me of most of a beautiful weekend by coercing me into a 12 hour traffic safety course. I listened to all the lectures, and filled out the little workbook, and watched all the videos about horrible traffic fatalities (and endured the low IQ and high BO of my classmates) until at last I was free. Then I grabbed my safety certificate, jumped in my car and immediately resumed my sloppy and impatient driving style with intermittent screaming at other motorists. 4:09:43 PM    comment []

david sedaris and chuck palah-what's-his-face At last I had a chance to spend some time with my little girl. She wanted to go down to the public swimming pool so I changed into my suit and got us a couple of towels. Mariel jumped right in, but when I put my big toe in the chilly water I immediately chickened out.  I don't buy that concept about cold water being "refreshing" and it feels good once you get "used to it."  Cold is cold. So I went to the car and got this David Sedaris book that someone said I should read.  I've been complaining for years that I can't find anything new and good to read.  People keep telling me to read David Sedaris and Chuck Palah-what's-his-face, but I just can't seem to get into them.  I read a few pages and think, I don't get it.  This is stupid.  Who cares?  But anyway, I decided to give this David Sedaris book another chance.  Anything would be better than just sitting on an aluminum bleacher and avoiding cold water.  I read a couple pages but all it talked about was David Sedaris getting fucked in the ass.  Why the hell did my friend want me to read this? I thought.  Is he gay?  Come to think of it, he hasn't mentioned anything about having a girlfriend for a few years now. Anyway, I didn't want to read about David Sedaris getting fucked in the ass.  I put the book down and then laid down on a patio lounger by the pool's edge.  Before long I was asleep. "You're snoring really loud," my little girl said to me.  I lifted my head up and looked around. "I'm ready to go, Dad," my girl said. "Okay, let's go," I said. 4:08:16 PM    comment []

After the pool adventure, Mariel settled into some serious cartoon watching, and I figured I'd use the rest of the afternoon to scrape up some publicity for the blog. I took my duh.cc banner down to fourth street and wired it up to this tall chain link fence that borders some sort of inner city, keep kids off the streets looking place. Then I unfurled my newest banner for its first exposure.  It's my take on the whole gay and lesbian marriage controversy.  Why are all of these people so eager to get married anyway?  Are they really dying to get locked into a situation where you lose your freedom and get trapped with a person that gets fat and chisels away at your self-esteem? 4:06:58 PM    comment []

visit from a half-assed clown After a few hours of mingling with the rest of the urban blight, it was time for my banners to come down for the night. I parked my durango nearby and then started the unwiring procedure. As I was working I could see this person kind of checking out my banners from his car with great curiosity. He drove slowy by it and then parked to look at them up close. I really didn't want to talk to anyone about the stunt, so I kind of avoided eye contact with the guy.  After a moment or two of studying my work he got back in his car and started to leave.  I breathed a mental sigh of relief.  But the guy only drove a couple hundred feet and then he parked right behind my Durango and started approaching the area again.  As he was walking towards me, I saw that he was dressed very strangely.  He had on long red and white stockings and silly pointed shoes and some half-assed clown make-up on his face. "What's this all about?" the half-assed clown said when he got right next to me. 4:05:16 PM    comment []

the preppie-killers If you live in a town long enough you're sure to recognize someone almost everywhere you go.  At my driver improvement class this weekend I recognized this sharply dressed guy at the far right corner of the room.  This guy spent most of the 12- hour class with his eyes closed and his hand in front of his face, but I still recognized him.  He was the Preppie-Killer. The Preppie-Killer went to my highschool with me back in the late 80s.  He and his brothers were known for their explosive temper and their violent killer instincts.  One story about them said that the Preppie-Killer and one of his brothers had beaten a guy nearly to death with a baseball bat.  The Preppie-Killer did some time in prison for that, I believe. One time my sister had a party at my parents' house when she was a senior and I was still a junior.  I still barely knew how to drive, but I took the opportunity of my parents' absence to take the family car for some reason or another.  As I was backing out of the garage I didn't look behind me very carefully and I scraped against this white van that was in our driveway. I jumped out of the car and ran over to inspect the damage.  There was this long scrape along the white van that stripped the paint down to the bare metal.  Pretty soon a couple of friends of mine were staring at the damage with me with their mouths agape. "Do you know who's van that is?" my one friend asked. "No, whos?" I said. It was the Preppie-Killers van.  He and his brothers were somewhere there at the party. I was in deep shit.  I was going to get killed by the Preppie-Killers. I had to do something about this before the Preppie-Killers found out.  I went to my dad's paint shelf in the garage and checked each of the rusty cans.  Finally, I found some white and I popped the lid and mixed it up.  Then I took a house painting brush and dabbed some white paint along the Preppie-Killers' van. It must of worked okay because the Preppie-Killers never came to kill me. There's actually three Preppie Killer brothers and they all live here in St. Petersburg somewhere.  I never met the youngest Preppie Killer brother until very recently.  He was the most recent boyfriend of my most recent ex-girlfriend.  That is to say that the youngest Preppie-Killer boyfriend was banging the Psycho-Bitch just before me.  But now the Psycho-Bitch is banging the Groper.  I think the youngest Preppie-Killer is banging the Psycho-Bitch's aunt. Anyway, like I said, I recognized the oldest Preppie-Killer in my ADI class this weekend.  I might have said hi to the Preppie-Killer since we actually became friends at one point over the years.  But the last time I saw the Preppie-Killer he sold me some M-m-Ms that were totally bunk.  So I just let the Preppie-Killer snooze behind his hand and didn't bother him.  12:34:04 PM    comment []

stuff I talked to girl last night at a bar.  She was a seventh grade teacher and she was pretty drunk.  She told me that when the moon gets full women's boobs actually float up in the air a little bit from the gravitational pull. Her boyfriend was sitting on the other side of her.  At first I thought he looked like Russel Crowe, but then I decided he didn't. He had been at my New Year's party a couple months back.  I think it was New Years.  Anyway, during that party someone looked at the giant dumbells  I had on the floor and didn't belive that I could actually curl them.  I was challenged to curl them in front of everybody.  Eventhough I was drunk, I did ten repetitions with the 60 pound dumbells easily.  I've been doing that everynight for years. All the other guys at the party took their turn trying to curl the 60 pound dumbells. Most of them couldn't curl them even once.  The seventh grade teacher's boyfriend was the only person that could curl them once.  He used to be a Marine.  Now he's a pizza delivery guy.  Tonight, when I curled the sixty pound dumbells my right wrist kind of hurt--sort of like it might crack.  My wrist has been hurting since I first fell on it skating.  I started skating a couple weeks ago when Whitney was here and we couldn't think of anything to do together on a Sunday afternoon.  Whitney got kind of sad like I was shooing her away.  Then I went out and bought myself a "toy machine" skateboard so we would have something fun to do together.  Within twenty minutes of skating I fell down hard and hurt my wrist. After I worked out tonight and curled my dumbells,  I took my skateboard outside and zipped up and down the sidewalk.  I looked up above and saw that there was a brilliant full moon. 12:58:04 AM    comment []

rational emotive therarpy In my driver improvement course today there was a big, fat, pizza delivery guy who sported a ball cap and a goatee.  I guess he had lost his driving job for the pizza place when he lost his license. For most of the day the big fat pizza guy talked just like you'd expect a big, fat pizza guy to  talk.  He kept cracking jokes and making little comments.  He told the class where you could so some "serious ass bonefishing," Then suddenly, in response to one of the instructor's questions, the big fat pizza delivery guy gave an extremely articulate explanation of "rationale emotive therapy." We all just looked at him kind of stunned. 12:25:19 AM    comment []

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