Killer Preppie Vs. The Computer Slob
Sometime during my nineteenth year I finally found an escape route from my parents' place. A couple of sort-of friends from highschool were renting a house together a couple miles away and were looking for another roommate. It was actually just an empty dining room that they had to offer, but I didn't care. I packed up my few wordly possessions and moved out immediately.
The two guys I moved in with were the A/V Guy and the Computer Slob.
The A/V (audio/visual) Guy was the dude who would always roll a tv or vcr or some other audio/visual equipment into your classroom back in highschool whenever your teacher wanted to take an hour long smoke break. This A/V guy went on to get an A/V job after highschool, and I guess he would roll much bigger and more expensive A/V things for much further distances. He had orange hair, listened to alternative music, and was a bit of a nagging neat-nik.
My other first roommate was the Computer Slob. The Computer Slob was by far the slobbiest person I have ever met. His room was literally a giant trash heap of unwashed clothes, empty coke cans, old pizza boxes, and just about everything else that a human being is supposed to either put away or throw away. What was really disgusting about the Computer Slob was the way all the garbage and crap would build up in layers in his room. Once he ate a pizza, whether he finished all the slices or not, he would just throw it to the side of his room. Then he might come home from work and toss his shirt directly on top of the old pizza, so that the fabric would harden into the cheese. Then he might take a dirty tissue or paper towel and fling that on top of the work shirt. So there were these layers and layers of nastiness that just got compressed together over time. Eventually, by the time I moved out of there, the piles of garbage went up to the ceiling.
There was something else about the Computer Slob that I found especially revolting. He consumed only two things in his diet: Pizza and Coke. (About once a month he would eat a bowl of buttered peas, but this was the only exception). For breakfast, lunch and dinner, the Computer Slob ate nothing but pizza and coke. I didn't even know that the human body could function on such a terrible diet. But the Computer Slob was there as scientific proof that pizza and coke alone could sustain life (of some sort).
But it was a frightening body that was formed solely by Pizza and Coke. The Computer Slob had no problem strolling around the house in just his shorts, holding either a coke or a slice of pizza. His flesh was like a very pale, muscle-less, sausage-mush. He wasn't particularly obese or anything, but there was just something horrific about his flesh, the way it spilled languidly over his belt.
Anyway, it was still pretty exciting at first to live away from home despite the Computer Slob's slobbiness and the A/V Guy's pickiness. Me and the Computer Slob and the A/V guy would drink beer and play the stereo real loud and we even had a couple of parties. I actually got laid for the second time in my life at one of those parties. It was with this Catholic girl from my neighborhood. I just remember getting really drunk and then making out with her on the floor of the hallway. Somehow I got her back into a bed and had sex with her. (We dated a couple of times until I met her dad. He asked me to say grace at dinner and I kind of choked. The Catholic girl then stepped in and saved me by doing the grace herself. But the next time I called her she said she didn't want to have boyfriend anymore).
So life was pretty good with the A/V Guy and the Computer Slob for a while. But before long we started having these typical roommate arguments. I remember the A/V Guy lecturing me for putting food down the sink drain with no garbage disposal. Another time he confronted me about eating a slice of his pizza without permission. Then there was something about a bathroom towel that got wet, etc. The basic problem was that I tended to use or eat their stuff without permssion and then when they got mad about it I really wouldn't say I was sorry. I tried to deflect the heat over to the Computer Slob and point out all of his disgusting habits, but it didn't really work. The A/V guy and the Computer Slob were best buddies, plus it was the Computer Slob's parents house we were all living in. So I became more and more estranged from my roommates.
The final blow was when I became friends with the Killer-Preppie who lived across the street. I had heard about the Killer-Preppie in highschool, but I had never met him. Because of his fearsome reputation, and the stories about people he and his brothers had put in the hospital, I imagined him to be this giant, musclebound goon, with knuckles that dragged on the ground.
But one day I met this very well spoken and clean cut looking dude that lived across the street. After a while of talking about this and that I asked him his name.
"I'm the Killer-Preppie," he said.
I was completely shocked. I didn't see how someone so mild looking could bludgeon someone half to death with a baseball bat...but the Killer-Preppie he was.
The Killer-Preppie took an instant dislike to the Computer Slob. He could sense the animosity between me and the Computer slob, so he decided to help drive a wedge between us. He started by making cracks about the Computer Slob's manhood.
"He seems very domestic," the Killer Preppie said. And by that, the Killer-Preppie meant a fag. But when the Killer-Preppie saw the Computer Slobs' room he was completely repulsed. He couldn't let such an un-Preppie way of life go unpunished.
So one time when I was drinking a twelve pack with the Killer Preppie and this other dude named Mark Sock, the Killer Preppie unzipped his pants and pissed a full long beer piss into the Computer Slob's open car window. (His car was a garbage dump just like his room). Me and Mark Sock were kind of astonished by this, but we were kind of laughing too. It was just the kind of thing you found yourself going along with when you're drunk.
But the Killer Preppie wasn't done with that. He then went around to the back window of the house and pissed another long beer piss into the Computer Slob's bedroom. The Killer Preppie even rotated from side to side to distribute the piss evenly, like a sprinkler. Again, me and Mark Sock were astonished and amazed, but we didn't try to stop the Killer Preppie.
Anyway, I only lived with the Computer Slob and the A/V guy for a few more weeks after that. The Computer Slob's parents put the house on the market and we all had to find other lodgings.
You would think that a room and a car full of piss would be completely disgusting and unbearable, even for the Computer Slob. But maybe not, because the Computer Slob never mentioned anything about it.
6:54:20 PM 
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