Wednesday, October 8, 2003|
In my rush to ignore national politics today, I've come up with a list detailing some of the evidence that New Orleans is upside-down. It should be called Down Under, not The Big Easy. I know Australia already has the name, but it seems more appropriate here. See for yourself: 6:54:22 PM | 1. The city sits six feet below sea level. It's hard to get more "down under" than that. 2. After it rains, it gets hotter and more humid. Not every now and then, every time. 3. The young dress in dowdy school uniforms, the old in flashy vinyl dresses, feather boas, thigh-high boots. Tattoos are more common with the over-30 set, as are funky-dyed hairdos and nose rings. Our old landlady used to come to her door, at two in the afternoon, in a leopard-print bathrobe with her nails done to the nines. She had a tanning bed in her living room. Really. 4. Though this is known as a literary city, there are very few bookstores except in the suburbs. The most visible is the necromantic bookstore, painted black with purple trim, on Magazine Street. Every time I drive by the place the same pale, nearly albino man is scrunched down to the right of the door. When he stands up he unfolds accordion-style; he must be seven feet tall. 5. The bigger the man, the smaller the dog. Chihuahuas are very popular here. 6. Speaking of dogs...just as in Mexico there are more wild dogs here than tame ones. Packs roam the neighborhoods at night; some of the dogs run with leashes still attached. 7. The cardinal directions mean nothing here. There is no "east," "west," "north," "south." There is "toward the river" and "toward the lake," "lakeside," and "West Bank" (though the river sits south of much of the city and the bridge across to the West Bank goes due east). 8. At many intersections, you are not allowed to turn right on a green light. You have to wait for an arrow. 9. Because of the heat, most people keep their curtains drawn and their shutters closed. The sky may be blue, the sun bright and high in the sky, but it will be dark as night inside. It is easy to see how Rice found vampires in her city. 10. The city of New Orleans is 67% African-American, yet it's run by a white aristocracy. Don't believe me? Check out the major Mardi Gras krewes, most of which are all-white (and on top of it, all-rich). There are, of course, a few all-black krewes too. Louis Armstrong swore he'd never return to New Orleans, then did in 1949 to be King Zulu. Krewe of Zulu being the most famous and oldest black krewe in the city, Satchmo couldn't pass up the opportunity. Zulu has the best Proclamation of them all. It ends with this: "The Weather Bureau shall exert every energy and influence toward providing the City of New Orleans with a bright and beautiful day." Hear hear! Harry Connick, Jr. started the Orpheus krewe in 1993 to mix it up, finally. His is the only one known for racial and cultural diversity. Another reason to love him. 11. See-through lizards come up through your sink, just as cockroaches fly through your windows. Yes, flying cockroaches. Super-size. 12. Santa (Papa Noel) sails into town on a boat pulled by alligators, directed by bonfires on the levee. Instead of cookies he's offered gumbo. Coal for you if you burn the roux! 13. The city's most famous living voodoo priestess was raised Jewish in New York City. Our neighbor practices in her "church." He cleansed our apartment of evil spirits before we moved in, thank God. The guy who lived here before had a penchant for hitting his girlfriend and made wild paintings with his own blood. Gross. Plus he let his cats use the atrium as a litter box. Our roommate has some good juju sculptures from West Africa scattered around the house just in case the New Orleans devils try to come back in. 
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Why even bother commenting on this. What's done is done. 6:48:27 PM |
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Last update: 8/24/05; 7:06:19 PM .
