Tuesday, October 21, 2003

Stories We're Following... Bush: "Iraq Will Resume Full Oil Production by March of 2003" Tony Blair Fights, Makes Deals With Terrorists Jimmy Cliff Surprise Winner of Nobel Peace Prize Miss America Vetoes Crucial Senate Deficit Restructuring Legislation Job Market Up By 26%.  New Hires Hope to Crush, Kill, Destroy Darwin Right 11:04:27 AM

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Monday, October 20, 2003

Stories We're Following... EPA Tells America to Eat Shit Tony Blair Reads Newspaper Heritage Foundation Gone Wild! Expensive Scientific Research Fails to Cure Meaningless Ailment Corporate Domination Complete He Who Represents Himself Has a Serial Killer for a Client Tort Reform Urged special thanks to the investigative reporters over at Corporate Mofo for the heads up on the chilling prevalence of frivolous lawsuits. 1:56:51 PM

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Friday, October 17, 2003

New Republic's resident lead paint sucker, Gregg Easterbrook has seen fit to blame the Jews for Quentin Tarantino. Here is a short list of actors we can blame Jesus for. Joey Lauren Adams, Ben Affleck, Tim Allen, Kirsty Alley, Pamela Anderson, Christina Applegate, David Arquette, Scott Baio, Adam Baldwin, Scott Bakula, James Belushi, Robbie Benson, Jessica Biel, Jason Biggs, Tracy Bingham, Yasmine Bleeth, Jon Bon Jovi, Lisa Bonet, Lara Flynn Boyle, Josh Brolin, Sandra Bullock, Jake Busey, Dean Cain, Kirk Cameron, Neve Campbell, Charisma Carpenter, Tia Carrere, David Caruso, David Cassidy, Andrew Dice Clay, Gary Coleman, Jennifer Connoly, Coolio, Kevin Costner, Courtney and Niki Cox, John Cryer, the MaCauley and Kieran Culkin... I'm suffering from Carpal Tunnel Syndrome now, but I hope to G-d you get the picture. 5:06:23 PM

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Stories We're Following... Scientist Discover New Way to Remove Dignity From Prostitutes Ashcroft on the Verge of Capturing Castle Grayskull, Discovering Its Secrets US Attempts to Bore Iraqui Opposition to Death Political Update From Bizarro World Bush Says Foriegners Should Not Be Held Without Trial, Subject to Torture, Except in US "Do-Not-Spam" List Offers Obstacles, Hot Asian Teens Ridge Befouls Trousers 12:29:55 PM

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Thursday, October 16, 2003

One of these things is just like the other Both of these things are just the same. Can you tell why one is just like the other Before the world goes up in flames? 9:21:38 PM

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Stories We're Following... An Eye for an Eye, a Plunger Crammed Up the Ass for a Tooth Nike Announces Layoffs Republicans Hold Deuling Campaign Events Formerly Called "Terminator", Now Called "Collectinator", Soon to be Called "Prevaricator" Research Money Squandered Lawyer for Caterpillar Inc. Claim "George of the Jungle 2" Will Damage Sales of Children's Merchandice, Suck One in Five New Cars Suffers from Birth Defects 1:55:58 PM

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Wednesday, October 15, 2003

Jaundiced Eye for the Queer Republican Andrew Sullivan, the gay equivalent of that uncomfortable black guy who was paid to travel alongside George Wallace, stood up this week to say that the Republicans are being attacked unfairly.  Apparently, Democrats are on the the administration's case for claiming that "Iraq is an imminent threat."  Sullivan's made it his job to prove that it all depends on what the definition of "is" is. But this column isn't about taking shots at the Bush administration.  They seem to be doing a good job of it themselves.  No, I want to talk about Sullivan and his ilk, the gay Republicans.  Or, as they call themselves, the Log Cabin Republicans. Now, as anyone who has seen a picture of Mary Todd Lincoln knows, Honest Abe was the first gay Republican.  Hence the term "Log Cabin Republicans."  I will say, I respect Sullivan to a degree.  He often takes stands about the unfair stereotyping of gay people, gay men in particular.  It's unfair to paint all gay men as fashion conscious, sex crazed gossip-mongers.  Anyone who reads Sullivan's blog, "The Daily Dish" would agree.  True, he could have named it something less stereotypical, like "The Pink Hairdresser", but there we are.  What's done is done. Like a scrupleless Dan Savage, Sullivan does seem to steer clear of most of the broad presentations of gay men we see on TV today.  The fact that 10% of Americans are proud to see their culture splattered onto television by Aunt Toms dolled up in pinkface on "Will and Grace" is instructive.  By watching that show, I've learned that gay men are shallow, childish and dumber than real people.  Sullivan doesn't jump on that whole Gaymos and Andy bandwagon, and I respect him for it. The fact is, gay people in America have a long way to go.  The Brian Shapiro column today talked about how gays should keep their expressions of pride to their community so that the general public won't become enraged.  First, let's note that some Los Angeles homosexuals might consider their community to be...oh, I don't know...Los Angeles?  Second, let me say this to Brian.  I live in the Piedmont region of South Carolina.  'Round here, they say that exact same thing about Jews.  I don't agree with it in either case, but young Mr. Shapiro might want to check the destination sign on the logic train he's boarded. Not that I was surprised at all.  Brian's what?  18?  Try it.  Come up to me and say "I've discovered a homophobic teenage boy!"  I won't cop to an infarction. But here's the my problem with Sullivan.  In exchange for the upper-class tax break he's getting, this guy's got to implicitly defend every Rick Santorum, Jesse Helms and Dick Armey who comes along.  You remember that last one, right?  A guy who was against letting gays into the military, whose name was Dick Armey?  This is what Sully wrestles with as he tosses and turns to the soothing tones of the white noise machine.  Gays aren't a single issue group of people, not at all.  But let me say this.  If you were black and voted Strom for president, no matter what your stance on taxation was, I'm going to assume you didn't want a drink from the water fountain 8:05:42 PM

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Conspiracy Theory #38971855 Conservative Wunderkind Ben Shapiro plagiarizes all his columns from The Onion.  Right down to the pink feather boas. thanks to World O'Crap for the heads up on this teenager who should be sent to bed without supper 2:13:30 PM

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Stories We're Following... Star Trek Actor Files for Separation From Fans Bush in Caught Passionate Embrace With California Himbo Desperate Limbaugh Turns to Crime Al Quaeda Thanks US for War on Terror 9:59:33 AM

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Tuesday, October 14, 2003

Andrew Sullivan Announces to the World: "If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it must be a vegan entree." 8:38:29 PM

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Death By Google weird-ass searches that lead people here exxon valdez crisis speech cheney abscence of proof lagoons of pig shit robert palmer's last "george bush" "gary coleman" white house colon ployps television commercials I've said it before, but I meant it.  Something wrong with y'all. 5:51:25 PM

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Adventures in Hypertext By the way, you Philistines out there who haven't checked out this month's Virtual Occoquan are traitors to your families and your government.  The new issue covers a range of topics, from crime to poetry, and will soon be labelled "Harmful Matter" by the Attorney General.  Also, it includes a little screed of my own.  So read it now, kids, before it's too late. 4:54:27 PM

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Stories We're Following... Bush Urges Congress to Allow Drilling in Arlington National Cemetary Irish Convent Launches Website to Promote Values, Get People Out of Debt, Enlarge Genitals One in 50 Americans, Jolly, Huggable, Diabetic Republican Congressman Apologizes:  "I Never Did Mean to Hurt That Jew Boy's Feelings." Rehnquist on Porn Bender Have You Ever Looked at the Majority Opinion in Walters v. Conant?  I Mean Really Looked at It? 2:45:31 PM

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Sunday, October 12, 2003

The editors of Beelzebastard will be attending the Extreme Teen Ministries "Abstinence 2003" tour, and will return on Monday.          -the management 12:14:59 PM

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