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Friday, November 4, 2005 |
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often, when i don't hear from friends i'm supposed to hear from after calling
and emailing numerous times (or having them stand me up when we're meeting
for dinner, or something), i constantly think they've met with peril. a car
accident. a stroke. cholera. this "personality trait" has gotten me in all kinds
of trouble in this lifetime, because of all the times this has happened, only
once did something actually happen to the person who didn't show up. (he was in
a bicycle accident. this was more than 20 years ago.) i've been known to scan obituaries, etc., to find out the plights of those who have vanished. and these days, i have a quandary: a friend who's "missing." (and it's wholly possible that this entry will bring the friend out of hiding. and he'll be mortified or feel shitty, which isn't the intention of this. hell, as i've said at least a hundred times to the people in my life over the years, "what if he's really dead?") then again, nobody has ever been dead. still, i wonder where he is. why he hasn't answered my "where are ya?" email. why he hasn't come to the site since august. and yes, i could call him. only he's married and i don't want it to look as though i'm intruding on sacred ground. he's someone i loved a long time ago, when i was a teenager. the kind of love you don't have as an adult, when you've been jaded by this world in which we live. perhaps, christmas. i'll send a holiday card at christmas.
i have two fears: that he is dead (obviously a fear, i always wonder if
people are dead), or that his marriage is such that he needed to cut off any sort
of contact with me because that's the kind of relationship he has. that makes
me sad. i'd hate to think he lives in a box, because thinking outside the box
was one of the things that made me care for him so deeply so many years ago.
because what he taught me about friendship has never been duplicated. because
what he taught me about myself are things i need to remember more often. because
what he taught me is what i do every day, in my studio. because i loved him
once. |
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©
Copyright
2005
alyssa ettinger. |
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 who I am |
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