The holiday Dragnet episode known as “The Big Little Jesus” was first broadcast over NBC Radio on December 22, 1953. Listening to the broadcast nearly fifty years later, I noticed something unusual—a good portion of this show consists of the audio from the television version, telecast two nights later. (I know this to be so because I have a black-and-white version of the show on a Dragnet DVD set I purchased a few months ago.) This same television audio/radio hybrid was apparently released commercially as a long-playing record LP as well.

It’s an unusual episode, to be certain—a kindler, gentler Dragnet that tells a heartwarming story about a statue of the Baby Jesus that has gone missing from one of Los Angeles’ oldest churches. The program starts off with some humorous banter between Sergeant Joe Friday (Jack Webb) and his partner, Officer Frank Smith (Ben Alexander) on the subject of Christmas cards:

FRANK: Christmas cards, huh…little late, aren’t ya?

JOE: Well, I was gonna send them out Monday but we had that stakeout…

FRANK: You oughta get married, Joe…

JOE: Yeah?

FRANK: It’s the only system…Faye does all that stuff for me…laundry, mails cards…only system…

JOE: Might help…

FRANK: Got a big stack there…

JOE: I oughta cut down the list…look at this here…upholstery shop…

FRANK: Yeah?

JOE: They send me a card every year…I never get anything upholstered…

FRANK: Faye and I oughta go over our list…cut off a few names…

Friday and Smith get a call from Father Xavier Rojas (Harry Bartell) at the Old Mission Church that a statue of the Christ Child is missing, presumably stolen. The religious statue has minimal monetary value, but it possesses a sentimental significance to the parish members and their children and families. So much so that the priest asks the two cops if they can manage to retrieve it before the first Mass of Christmas is celebrated. It’s a tall order—less than 24 hours—Friday and Smith assure Father Rojas that they’ll do their best:

FATHER: It’s sad, isn’t it…?

JOE: How’s that?

FATHER: In so short a time, men learn to steal…

JOE: Yes…but consider us, Father…

FATHER: Us?

JOE: If some of them didn’t…you and I’d be out of work…

Joe and Frank question the proprietor (Ralph Moody) of a religious artifacts store to see if someone might have pawned the statue; the owner firmly declaring that such a person would have to be “crazy.” An interview with one of the mission’s altar boys leads the two men to an individual named Claude Stroup (James Griffith)—a down-and-out indigent staying at a shabby hotel called The Golden Dream. According to the hotel’s desk clerk (Herb Vigran), Stroup is late for rehearsal of the hotel’s annual Christmas program; but he contacts Friday and Smith when Stroup returns. Stroup is hauled downtown and subjected to a vigorous interrogation; but the man manages to convince both cops of his innocence.

Joe and Frank, admitting defeat, stop by the church to inform Father Rojas that their investigation has come to a dead end. The three men are interrupted by a little Latino boy who enters the church pulling a red wagon—and in the wagon sits the statue of Baby Jesus. The child tells Father Rojas that he has prayed every Christmas for such a wagon, and this year he prayed to the Baby Jesus—promising him a ride in the wagon he got one.

The last lines of dialogue highlight the measured eloquence that was Dragnet’s trademark—and why this particular program is particularly deserving of the term “classic”:

FRANK: I don’t understand how he got that wagon today…don’t kids wait for Santa Claus anymore?

FATHER: It isn’t from Santa Claus…the firemen fix old toys and give them to new children…Paquito’s family…they’re poor…

JOE (after a pause, then quietly): Are they, Father…?

Written by Jack Webb’s longtime friend and collaborator Richard L. Breen, “The Big Little Jesus” so moved Webb that he replaced the other Dragnet Christmas episode “.22 Rifle for Christmas” with this broadcast. Webb would return to this story again in 1967 during the police drama’s 1967-70 revival, and original actors Bartell, Moody, and Vigran reprised their roles in that remake.
11:18:01 AM    comment []  trackback []  

“Ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas and…hello again!”

For most of my life, the Christmas holidays and old-time radio are two pleasures permanently entwined in my psyche. When ever I think of Christmas, old-time radio isn’t far behind. I’m somewhat bewildered as to why this is so, but on further reflection it might stem from the fact that during my childhood, I would listen to radio stations that devoted their broadcast day on Christmas to showcasing these great old programs—notably WBRJ-AM in Marietta, OH (they also featured OTR on New Year’s Day) and WQBE-FM in Charleston, WV. During the original Golden Age of Radio, practically all of the top programs showcased holiday-themed episodes to put their listeners in the festive spirit; and so, this being December, Thrilling Days of Yesteryear will listen to and review some of those classic broadcasts.

Last night, I sampled a pair of shows—the first being The Jack Benny Program from December 8, 1946. It was customary on Jack’s holiday shows to feature a program in which Jack would drive a department store clerk to distraction through his penny-pinching methods of selecting Christmas gifts for his cast. In this show, Jack attempts to make up his mind on a purchase of shoelaces for his announcer, Don Wilson. The clerk (played by Mel Blanc) becomes more and more frustrated with Jack’s annoying indecisiveness, wanting nothing more than to go home and be with his wife and five kids:

JACK: Mary, when you’re buying a gift for somebody, you don’t rush into things…now, let’s see…if I take the…

(SFX: phone ring)

CLERK: Oh, pardon me…hello? Yes? Oh, thanks…thanks for telling me…goodbye!

JACK: Gee, it’s so hard to…

CLERK: Look, Mister…I wanna go home…I’ve got six kids now!

JACK: Oh…well, congratulations! A new baby…do you mind if I buy something for the little fellow?

CLERK: No…why don’t you buy him a razor?

JACK: A razor?

CLERK: Yeah, by the time you pick it out he’ll be old enough to use it!

JACK: Hmm…that’s an old joke…

MARY: It was new when we came in here…

Jack also labors to find an appropriate gift for his producer:

MARY: Oh, Jack, look…why don’t you get him one of those new canvas golf bags?

JACK: Yeah…he’d love that!

MARY: And it’s only fifteen dollars…

JACK: Oh…gee…I just happened to think…he doesn’t play golf…

MARY: Well, why don’t you give him a nice cocktail shaker?

JACK: Say…that sounds good!

MARY: And it’s only twelve dollars and fifty cents…

JACK: Hmm…I just happened to remember, he doesn’t drink, either…what else can I get him?

MARY: A knife and fork…let’s see you get out of that!

The Jack Benny Program had earlier introduced a recurring character in the form of a racetrack tout that is played on this broadcast by Benny Rubin. (Benny fans know, of course, that the role later became indelibly identified with character actor-future television show producer Sheldon Leonard.):

TOUT: Where ya goin?

JACK: Upstairs…

TOUT: Which elevator you takin’?

JACK: Number five…

TOUT: Uh-uh…

JACK: What?

TOUT: Take number three…it’ll beat five to the top by two and-a-half floors…

JACK: But…but number five is about to go up…

TOUT: I know, I know…but she’s carryin’ too much weight…

JACK: Well, I don’t know…what do you think about number one?

TOUT: Uh-uh…local…can’t go the distance…

One of my favorite things about the Benny show is how oftentimes the gags in each episode would resurface later on during the program, creating a “boomerang” effect. A good example of this is this exchange between Mary and tenor Dennis Day:

MARY: Oh hello, Dennis!

DENNIS: Hello, Miss Livingstone…gee, am I tired…I just walked up to the sixth floor and back…

MARY: Walked? Why didn’t you take the elevator?

DENNIS: Well, I was gonna take elevator number three but some man came over and told me it was scratched…

Before he became old-time radio’s “renaissance man” (director-producer-writer-actor), Elliott Lewis was a frequent performer on Benny’s program. He often portrayed a character (blessed with a memorable dumb voice) that the show’s writers dubbed a “mooley”. Here, the “mooley” is a perfume clerk helping Jack choose a fragrance for his girlfriend, Gladys Zabisco:

JACK: How much is it, Mister?

PERFUME CLERK: Dis is twenty-five bucks an ounce, and da udder one I showed youse is t’irty bucks…

JACK: Well…haven’t you anything a little more…reasonable?

PERFUME CLERK: Yeah…I even have some poifume for twenty-five cents an ounce…

JACK: Twenty-five cents an ounce…what kind of a bottle does that come in?

PERFUME CLERK: It don’t come in no bottle…we keep it on tap…

JACK: On tap?

MARY: I’ll bet they serve pretzels with it…

JACK: Well…I don’t think I’ll take any…by the way, Mister…how come they put a fellow like you behind the perfume counter?

PERFUME CLERK: Oh, my reg’lar job is in da delicatessen department slicin’ limboiger cheese…

JACK: Limburger cheese?

PERFUME CLERK: Yeah…once a munt they send me here to neutralize me…

And of course, no Christmas visit to the department store would be complete without Jack encountering his nemesis, Frank Nelson (who plays the floorwalker):

JACK: Oh, floorwalker…floorwalker!

FLOORWALKER: Yeeeessssssss???

JACK: Can you tell me where the jewelry department is?

FLOORWALKER; Yes…but you’ll hate yourself in the morning…

JACK: Look, I didn’t ask for any wisecracks…you either give me a civil answer or I’ll report you…now where is the jewelry department?

FLOORWALKER: It’s on the third floor…

JACK: Thanks.

FLOORWALKER: Like fun it is…

JACK: Never mind, I’ll find it myself…hmm…this is a fine store to do business with…

FLOORWALKER: You walked in here, Lotus Blossom—nobody dragged you…

Interspersed with Jack’s encounters are individual moments with the other members of his cast as they shop for items, too: Mary, Dennis, Phil Harris & Don Wilson (when a clerk asks him if he’ll need any extra shoelaces with his purchase of a pair of shoes, Don boomerangs with “No…I always get a pair for Christmas.”). Here, Jack’s faithful valet Rochester (Eddie Anderson) shops for a tie to give to Jack:

FLOORWALKER: I think this tie is beautiful, it’s very unusual…

ROCHESTER: Yeah…but I don’t think my boss would like it…it isn’t his style…

FLOORWALKER: I see…what type of man is your boss?

ROCHESTER: Well…he’s medium tall…medium weight…and rather conservative…

FLOORWALKER: You mean he’s conservative in appearance?

ROCHESTER: It goes deeper than that…

JACK (eavesdropping): At least he’s subtle…

MARY (also eavesdropping): Quiet…I want to hear this…

FLOORWALKER: Now, here’s a nice tie…maybe he’d like this one…

ROCHESTER: Yeah, that’s a pretty thing…how much is it?

FLOORWALKER: It’s only three dollars and fifty cents…

ROCHESTER: How much?

FLOORWALKER: Three dollars and fifty cents…

ROCHESTER (after a pause): Too bad…he would have liked that one…

JACK: Oh, fine…

FLOORWALKER: Well, if you don’t want to spend quite so much, here’s a nice tie for eighty-nine cents…

ROCHESTER: Well, that’s closer to what I have in mind for the wallet…

FLOORWALKER: Of course, it might be a little too plain for your boss…is he a young man?

ROCHESTER: No…

FLOORWALKER: Is he middle-aged?

ROCHESTER: No…

FLOORWALKER: Is he elderly?

ROCHESTER: Wrap it up!

An encounter with Mr. Kitzel (Artie Auerbach), Dennis’ rendition of “Ole Buttermilk Sky,” and the Sportsmen Quartet’s contribution as wind-up toy soldiers—all of these elements combine to make a great Jack Benny show to enjoy for the holidays.
10:32:09 AM    comment []  trackback []