From Those Were the Days:

1943 - Nick Carter, Master Detective debuted on Mutual Radio. The show was based on a New York Weekly character who was first introduced in 1886.
9:22:37 PM    comment []  trackback []  

“Your money or your life…”

March 28, 1948: The Jack Benny Program introduces a gag that will achieve both radio and television immortality; a joke that the comedian considered “my masterpiece of stingy jokes” and “the finest joke I ever performed on radio”:

CROOK: Hey Bud…Bud!

JACK: Huh?

CROOK: Got a match?

JACK: Match? Yes, I have one right here…

CROOK: Don’t move, this is a stick-up…

JACK: What?

CROOK: You heard me…

JACK: Mister…mister, put down that gun…

CROOK: Shaddap…now come on…your money or your life! (There is a pause, as the audience laughs) Look, Bud—I said your money or your life…

JACK: I’m thinking it over!!!

For years, many old-time radio books and sources reported that this classic routine got the longest audience response in the history of the show, but listening to it today it’s obvious that that claim is widely exaggerated; the laugh lasts only about six seconds, though it could have been longer had Benny chosen to “milk” the gag (however, he was concerned about the show running over). From the start of the program, you’d never know that it was destined for greatness; it begins with Jack’s grumbling about having to do Rochester’s chores (“That’s the last time I play gin rummy with you,” he tells Rochester on the phone.), and then the doorbell rings. Jack answers the door, forgetting that he’s still wearing a dust cap and apron, and he finds not only Dennis Day but a package waiting as well:

DENNIS: Gee, look—it’s a picture script from Warner Brothers…

JACK: Well, thank goodness…I’ve been waiting for it all week…

DENNIS: …and here’s a letter with it from Harry Warner…

JACK: A letter from Harry Warner? What does he say?

DENNIS: He says, “Dear Jack…enclosed find script and contract for your next picture as agreed upon…and that’s the last time I’ll play gin rummy with you…”

The script is for a Western film entitled “Bad Man of Bullock’s Basement,” which Jack is convinced that had he done the film last year, he would have copped a Best Actor Oscar instead of neighbor Ronald Colman. (“If you’d made it in that dust cap and apron you’d had won it instead of Loretta Young,” cracks Rochester.) Dennis suggests that Jack ask Colman to appear in the film in a supporting role, so Benny journeys next door to pay his neighbors a visit; naturally, Ronnie and Benita are less than thrilled:

RONNIE: I still feel that this is a trick—he’s over here to borrow something…

BENITA: Oh, why do you always suspect that, Ronnie?

RONNIE: Well, he already has my electric shaver, portable radio, phonograph, bridge lamp, cocktail shaker, electric blanket, fountain pen, tuxedo—and Wednesday night was the last straw…

BENITA: Why? What happened?

RONNIE: He told me he was going to the Palladium, his girlfriend had to work—and he wanted to borrow you…

BENITA: Why didn’t you tell me? I haven’t done the shimmy in years…

Both Ronald and Benita “audition” with Jack’s script (this is actually the weakest part of the broadcast, mining laughs mostly from the sophisticated Colmans speaking in Western drawls) but Colman takes a pass. On his way out, Jack asks Ronnie if he can “borrow” the Oscar to show Rochester. (Benita: “Darling, why did you agree to let him take the Oscar home?” Ronald: “It might as well be with the rest of my things.”) Jack is then held up by the robber, who hightails it with Jack’s wallet and Colman’s Oscar.

In The Jack Benny Show, a splendid book with anecdotes from writer Milt Josefsberg, he discusses the origin of “your money or your life”:

As we started to write the scene with the holdup man, I paced the floor while [John] Tackaberry reclined on the sofa. We threw a few tentative lines at each other, none worthy of discussion. Then I thought of a funny feed line but couldn’t get a suitable punch to finish it. I told this to “Tack,” saying, “Suppose we have the crook pull the classic threat on Jack, ‘Your money or your life.’ Jack will get screams just staring at the crook and the audience—and if we get a good snapper on it, it’ll be great.”

Tackaberry seemingly ignored me. I kept thinking of lines and discarding them as mediocre or worse. Finally one line seemed better than the rest, and I threw it at him, half-confidently: “Look, John, the crook says, ‘Your money or your life,’ and Jack stares at him and then at the audience, and then the crook repeats it and says, ‘Come on, you heard me—your money or your life?’ and Jack says ‘You mean I have a choice?’”

Now frankly that wasn’t too bad of an answer, but Tackaberry made no comment, good or bad. I got angry and yelled, “Dammit, if you don’t like my lines, throw a couple of your own. Don’t just lay there on your fat butt daydreaming. There’s got to be a great answer to ‘Your money or your life.’”

In reply, Tackaberry angrily snapped at me, “I’m thinking it over.”

In a split second we were both hysterical. We knew we could never top that.

As funny as the March 28, 1948 program is, the following week’s show is even funnier, because every time Jack relates the story, he embellishes it more and more:

CROOK: Hey, Bud…Bud!

JACK: Huh?

CROOK: You got a match?

JACK: Yes…I have one right here…

CROOK: Don’t make a move, this is a stick-up…

JACK: A stick-up? (angry) Put down that gun or I’ll thrash you…to within an inch…of your life! Put it down, I say…

CROOK: Now, now…now…now just a second, mister…don’t you come any cl-closer…

JACK: So you think you can scare me with a gun—why, I’ll break your arm…

CROOK: Look, mister…I didn’t want to do this, but I had to…I had to get money for my wife and children!

JACK: Well, you didn’t have to pull a gun on me…if you wanted money, all you had to do was ask…I’m gonna take that gun away from you, and you’ll see that…

CROOK: Now, look…I’m warning you, don’t you come any closer…all right, you asked for it…take that…

(SFX: punch)

JACK: Oh yeah? Well, you take that…and that!

MARY (interrupting Jack’s flashback): Uh, Jack…what were you doing to the crook when you said “Take that…and that!”?

ROCHESTER: He was handin’ him his wallet and the Oscar…

Later, Jack’s story has two thugs that approach him, and are so intimidated by Benny that they have to call in additional members of their “gang,” who enter in a marching style reminiscent of the classic opening of Gangbusters. While Jack continues to wring his hands over just what he’s going to tell Ronald Colman, Phil comes in with hat and hand, wanting to borrow $10,000 to purchase a ranch:

PHIL: Aw, wait a minute, Jackson—I don’t like askin’ ya, but I went to the bank and they turned me down…now if you turn me down, too, well…well, I’ll…well, I’ll just have to go to Alice…

JACK: Well, Phil, I…I’d like to help you, but…

PHIL: Now wait a minute, Jackson—I ain’t askin’ ya to give me nothin’…we’ll make it a regular business deal like when you loaned me money before…I’ll sign papers for the loan, pay ya interest and everything…

JACK: Well, are you…are you willing to put up security?

PHIL: Yeah, but…not like last time, we missed the kids…

The writers’ original idea for the stolen Oscar story arc was to have a different Academy Award® winner appear on the show each week, and Jack would borrow their Oscar—always leaving him one Oscar short. On this show, having been informed by Ronnie that he and Benita are throwing a party and that he wants to show off the Oscar, Jack and Mary drive out to Bing Crosby’s place—Crosby’s Oscar for Going My Way (1944) is kept in his trophy room:

JACK: Now, Bing…how about going to the Trophy Room?

BING: Oh yes, the Trophy Room…right down this hall…(SFX: walking, sudden stop) Here, Mary…I’ll lift you over…

MARY: No, I’ll just…walk around him…

JACK: Hmm…fine place for a horse to sleep…I can’t understand (SFX: horse whinny, sound of hooves clopping) Bing! I was stepping over him and he got up! Help me off!

BING: Ah, don’t worry, Jackson…he can’t stand up long…

JACK: What? (SFX: fall to ground) I guess you’re right…poor ol’ thing…

BING: Yeah, the veterinarian said he was gonna die yesterday…but none of my horses ever finish on time…

(snip)

JACK: Well, look, Bing—the trophy I’m most interested in is the Oscar you won for Going My Way…

MARY: Yes, we’d love to see that one, Bing…

BING: Oh…the Oscar…why didn’t you say so, I’ll get it for ya…(SFX: footsteps, pounding on door) Lenny! You in there?

LENNY: Yeah, Pop…whaddya want?

BING: You’ll have to give me my Oscar…

LENNY: I can’t right now, I’m takin’ a bath!

BING: Oh, for heaven’s sake…why don’t you use something else for a stopper?

(snip)

JACK: Hmm…well, I’m really anxious to see the Oscar, Bing…but we can wait until your boy gets through with his bath…

BING: He’ll be through in a minute…

MARY: Say, Bing…

BING: Hmm?

MARY: …while we’re waiting, how about singing a song for us?

JACK: Oh, Mary…Bing doesn’t want to sing…

BING: I do, too!

And of course, the Old Groaner doesn’t disappoint, regaling the audience with a rendition of Haunted Heart. But the big musical treat on this broadcast comes not from Bing, but from the Ink Spots, the popular vocal group who transform their mega-hit If I Didn’t Care into a commercial for Lucky Strikes. This proved so popular that they later returned to Jack’s program for a reprise of the parody on February 12, 1950, prompting Milt Josefsberg to observe that “the Ink Spots finished to the loudest applause I ever heard a commercial get.”
9:21:15 PM    comment []  trackback []  

“It’s a losin’ fight!”

Last night at work, I checked in with one of my favorite old-time radio comedies, The Life of Riley; it’s a favorite due primarily to my fondness for the show’s star, William Bendix, a first-rate character actor whose films include The Glass Key (1942) and The Blue Dahlia (1946) (both of which starred his off-screen pal, Alan Ladd). But Chester A. Riley—the well-meaning (but incredibly dumb) blue-collar patriarch of an average American family—was literally the role Bendix was born to play. Sometimes, when I catch him in a movie, it’s like I expect him to turn to the camera and mutter “What a revoltin’ development this is!” (Come to think of it, he does do that in one movie: 1947’s Where There’s Life, in which he plays Bob Hope’s would-be brother-in-law.)

In a program originally heard over NBC Radio on November 30, 1946, we find Bendix as Riley limping—yes, limping—home with his wife Peg (Paula Winslowe) by his side; Riley had tried to hurdle a fence and ended up hurting his leg in the process. And if that’s not bad enough, Riley has also spotted the car of one Simon Vanderhopper (Warren Mills) outside the Riley residence—Simon being daughter Babs’ boyfriend and Riley’s bete noire:

RILEY: I thought I told you I don’t want that no-good loafer goin’ around with Babs…

PEG: Oh, Riley—Simon’s a nice boy…

RILEY: Ahh…some nice boy…twenty-one years old and he still chews bubble gum…

PEG: So what? If he likes bubble gum…

RILEY: Well, he don’t have to keep moochin’ it from me…

(snip)

PEG: Now be sensible…suppose Babs does like Simon a little? That isn’t a catastrophe…

RILEY: Oh, that’s what you say…you once started off likin’ me a little—and now we’re married…

PEG: What are you talkin’ about? Do you know what “catastrophe” means?

RILEY: That’s beside the point…once and for all, I…hey…they’re not on the porch…look!

PEG: Well, they’re probably in the house…

RILEY: That’s just it—Simon’s in the house with Babs…alone!

PEG: Well, suppose they are alone—what of it?

RILEY: I can see you’ve never been a boy…

PEG: Riley…don’t be an old fogey…why, when you were courtin’ me my father left us alone in the living room…because he understood young people…he saw eye-to-eye with the younger generation…

RILEY: Listen, the only time I ever saw eye-to-eye with your father was through a keyhole…

Riley throws Simon out, and refuses to let Babs (Barbara Eiler) go out anymore with him, but he softens considerably when he’s introduced to Simon’s uncle, Dr. Lucius Vanderhopper (Fred Shields). He relents and lets Simon keep his date with Babs, mainly to cadge some free medical advice for his injured leg from Dr. V, but “V,” unbeknownst to Riley, stands for “veterinarian”—the good medico is actually a horse doctor. Thinking that the injury Riley is babbling about belongs to a horse, he prescribes liniment and a diet for Riley’s condition—which attracts the attention of his undertaker pal, Digby “Digger” O’Dell (John Brown):

DIGGER: Would you care to join me, Riley?

RILEY: Uh…no, no, I gotta get home, I…just came out to get some stuff for a diet a doctor gave me…you see, I got a sprain in my leg…

DIGGER: A diet for a sprain?

RILEY: Yeah, I got it all written down here…here it is, right here…

DIGGER: Let me see…hmm…hmmm! A doctor recommended this? He must be a quack…

RILEY: A quack? Honest? You think he’s givin’ me the business?

DIGGER: Judging by this…he’s giving me the business…

The “diet” consists of oats, apples and an hourly lump of sugar—which would naturally puzzle, not to mention concern, an individual of average intelligence. (Then again, this is Riley were talking about.) Of course, the simple misunderstanding is eventually worked out and Riley lives to bumble another day. In the second broadcast (12/3/48), Peg walks in on a lecture that Riley is giving son Junior (Scotty Beckett):

RILEY: Wait’ll ya hear this, Peg…and you always said Junior was the kind of a kid I was when I was a boy…well, where do you think he was this afternoon?

PEG (horrified) Junior! You went to the burlesque show!

JUNIOR: Ah no, Mom—I was over at my math teacher’s house…

PEG: Oh…well, what’s so terrible about that, Riley?

RILEY: He was rakin’ her leaves—and ask him why…

JUNIOR: Well, I…I still don’t see the harm…I haven’t been doin’ so well in math, and she lives over in the next block…so I figured if I could rake leaves for her, I’d stand a better chance of gettin’ a good mark…

RILEY: Bribery! Out and out bribery! Here I raise a boy, and I have hopes that someday he’ll turn out to be a banker, or a doctor, or an engineer…and what do I get? A politician!

Riley stresses to Junior the importance on getting by on one’s own mettle, and Peg backs her husband to the hilt. But she soon learns that what’s sauce for the gosling ain’t necessarily sauce for the gander:

RILEY: I’m sorry I yelled, Peg, but that kid’s gotta learn…

PEG (sighing): You’re right, dear…for once…

RILEY: Like I said to Gillis only this afternoon…”Gillis,” I said…

PEG: Where were you this afternoon?

RILEY: Over at my boss’ house, fixin’ his roof…

PEG: Well, that’s good…we can use the extra money…

RILEY: You bet we can…too bad we ain’t gettin’ any…

PEG: You’re not?

RILEY: Oh, no—I’m just doin’ him a favor…you see, there’s an openin’ for a foreman’s job at the plant, so I figured…

PEG: Chester Riley! After the speech you just made to Junior…you have the nerve to stand there and tell me you went to your boss’ house to fix the roof? Just so you could get in “good” with him? How could you???

RILEY (sheepishly): It was easy…

PEG: Oh, I can’t understand ya, Riley…

RILEY: Lemme explain, Peg…the boss happened to drop this remark about a leak in his roof, so Gillis offered to work on it…and bein’ that Gillis is my best friend, I offered to help him…not that I care about the foreman’s job, I…just don’t want Gillis to get it…you…you see?

PEG: You bet I see…boot-lickin’, that’s what it is…and what’s more, the roof of this house has been leakin’ for six months…why don’t you fix that?

RILEY: What for? The boss don’t live here…

PEG: Oh, aren’t you ashamed of yourself…don’t you feel like a hypocrite? After that big lecture you gave Junior (mimicking him) don’t use pull…don’t use influence…work, depend on your ability…

RILEY: Well…my case is different…

PEG: Why is it different?

RILEY: Well…you…why…uh…I ain’t got no ability! Hah! Thought you had me trapped, huh?

Riley does begin to regret cozying up to the boss (Alan Reed), so he and Gillis (John Brown) print up a bill and plan to hand it to him—but they chicken out at the last minute. However, the secretary tells them that Stevenson is looking for two tickets to Saturday’s ballgame, and that the person who can get them can write his own ticket as the new foreman—pitting both Riley and Gillis against one another as they desperately try to score an extra ticket.

John Brown is the other reason why I’m a big Riley fan; the veteran radio actor, who also appeared on Fred Allen’s program, A Date With Judy and The Adventures of Ozzie & Harriet, can make even the weakest Life of Riley amusing in his riotous role as “Digger” O’Dell. He has one of OTR’s most distinctive and easily-identified voices, something I learned one night while watching a DVD of Strangers on a Train (1951). Brown has a small but crucial role in the film as the inebriated professor who’s traveling by train with Guy Haines (Farley Granger) at the same time Haines is allegedly murdering his wife (Kasey Rogers)—but is later unable to provide him with a much-needed alibi.
9:21:06 PM    comment []  trackback []