From Those Were the Days:

1944 - The Man Called X, starring Herbert Marshall, debuted on CBS Radio.
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“No names, please...”

The past few weekends at the hotel have been quite hectic, so I still can’t figure out how I managed to squeeze in some time to listen to a couple of Duffy’s Tavern broadcasts—but squeeze I did, with the first originally heard over NBC on January 22, 1947. The guests on the show are John J. Anthony and Minerva Pious as her Fred Allen Show character Mrs. Pansy Nussbaum (Gardner and Charlie Cantor—Duffy’s Clifton Finnegan—had been Fred’s guests on the Sunday broadcast of January 19, 1947).

John J. Anthony—whose real name was Lester Kroll—was the host of a program called The Goodwill Hour, which debuted in 1937 over New York’s WMCA, and became such a huge local smash that it soon landed a birth on Mutual’s schedule beginning August 1, 1937. The human interest show featured Anthony ladling out advice on financial and marital problems, and though many denounced him as a charlatan (John Dunning describes him as “a mix of P.T. Barnum and the stern taskmaster”) audiences ate it up with a spoon, By March of 1945 the show’s name became The John J. Anthony Program, and Anthony became fodder for many of the top radio comedians’ jokes (Henry Morgan once did a falling-down funny parody while guesting on a May 2, 1948 Fred Allen broadcast); his appearance here on Duffy’s Tavern is good for a few chuckles but it’s evident from listening that he’s lucky he kept his day job. As usual, the bulk of the comedy is carried by Gardner and Cantor:

ARCHIE: Look, Miss Duffy…why don’t you stop runnin’ around with that dumb Vera…you know, a person is judged by the company he keeps…

FINNEGAN: Duhhhhh…hello Arch!

ARCHIE: Hiya Judge…er, hiya Finnegan…

FINNEGAN: Say, Arch…I’d like to talk to Mr. Anthony…

ARCHIE: Wouldn’t Ripley be better? Uh…about what?

FINNEGAN: Duh…about me mother and father…last night, me old man comes home at five this mornin’…

ARCHIE: Yeah…

FINNEGAN: …and me mother is waitin’ up for him with a baseball bat…

ARCHIE: Oh? Any hits?

FINNEGAN: Yeah…yeah, she drove in four stitches…and…duh…after watchin’ ‘em belt each other around, I think I should never get married…’specially to a dame…

ARCHIE: Oh, I don’t know…marriage ain’t so bad, Finnegan—it happens in the best of families…

FINNEGAN: Oh yeah? Well, me father married me mother and what did they get out of it?

ARCHIE: I think you’re just bein’ self-conscious…

The fun really begins with the arrival of Mrs. Nussbaum (“You were expecting maybe the King Cohen Trio?”), who informs the genial bartender that she and her beloved husband Pierre have struck a reef in the sea of matrimony:

ARCHIE: Well, that’s strange—I, uh, I thought you and Pierre was very happy…

NUSSBAUM: In the first connubial days, yes…then Pierre is making himself a Don Juan…a regular Casablanca…oh, Archie—from mine slipper he is drinking seltzer water…everyday he is sending me one dozen Mrs. Miniver roses…

ARCHIE: And you?

NUSSBAUM: I am working on Pierre the wiles…handkerchiefs I am dropping, eyelashes I am fluttering…and from the atomizer I am squirting on mine self Prince Match-a-Bagel…

ARCHIE: Well, tell me—when did you first notice the change in Pierre?

NUSSBAUM: Was like this…one night, we’re going to the movies…it is crowded, so Pierre and me we are taking separate seats…Pierre is in one row, I am in the next…all through the picture, Pierre is turning around to the seats in back for necking and kissing…

ARCHIE: Well, that sounds sweet—what’s wrong with that?

NUSSBAUM: I am sitting in front of Pierre…

Of course, once Mrs. N lays her eyes on Finnegan, she is convinced that she has found her Prince Charming, or “Sir Lance-a-Lox,” as she calls him. Needless to say, the participation of the too, too talented Minerva Pious (who worked on Fred Allen's show for close to fifteen years) makes this particular episode a genuine winner. I followed this up with a May 18, 1947 show that features Eddie Cantor Show stooge Bert Gordon as “The Mad Russian.” Miss Duffy (Sandra Gould) is having a coming-out party at the tavern (Archie, on the phone with Duffy: “It’s got all the essentials—a rich father and an ugly daughter…huh? You ain’t rich? Well, I’m still battin’ five hundred…”) and Archie hires an escort who, as you can guess, turns out to be the Russian, masquerading as a prince:

ARCHIE (indicating Miss Duffy): Well, here she is, Prince…

RUSSIAN: This is a woman?

ARCHIE: Yep! This is Miss Duffy…er, she’s coming out tonight…

RUSSIAN: Is that wise?

ARCHIE: Please, Prince…Miss Duffy, I would like, uh, for you to meet a real Russian prince…this is Prince…er…uh…

RUSSIAN: Allow me…the name is Prince Petrovich Alexanderovich…just call me “Itchy”…

MISS DUFFY: Likewise, I’m sure…

ARCHIE: Uh, the Prince here, Miss Duffy, is gonna escort you to the party tonight…

MISS DUFFY: A prince! Oh, Archie, I can’t believe it! It couldn’t happen to me, I must be dreaming…I think I’ll pinch myself…

RUSSIAN: Allow me…

MISS DUFFY: Thank you…Prince, c’mere…I’m all yours…

RUSSIAN: Just a minute…Miss Duffy…this place is too big for us two…I think I’ll go…

ARCHIE: But, Prince—you made a bargain…

RUSSIAN: But do I have to go down to the basement?

ARCHIE: But what about the five bucks?

RUSSIAN: Forget about it!

ARCHIE; Well, what will the escort bureau say?

RUSSIAN: Let ‘em fire me!

ARCHIE: But, Prince—Miss Duffy’s father is a rich man…

RUSSIAN (brightening): How do you dooooo??? Let me look on you, my dear…uh-huh…your hair…your eyes…your ears…your lips…

MISS DUFFY: What about them?

RUSSIAN: You have them all! Tonight I will make love to you…tonight I will make love to you… tonight I will make love to you…

ARCHIE: Prince, your needle’s stuck…

RUSSIAN: I’m trying to talk myself into it…

Alan Reed joins in the fun in this entry as Officer Clancy, and the show includes musical moments from Eddie Green, Gould, Cantor and Gordon. The program wraps up with a rarity—Duffy walks into his own tavern! Both shows were a pleasant respite from the trials and tribulations of the motel game.
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