Thrilling Days of Yesteryear

Chapter 8: Superman to the Rescue

 

Gosh-a-rootie, boys and girls!  What thrilling exploits await us as we tune into another installment in Thrilling Days of Yesteryear’s Saturday Morning Serials dissection of the 1948 Columbia serial Superman?  Fortunately, narrator Knox Manning is well-paid enough to bring us up to speed:

 

The Spider Lady’s men capture Jimmy Olsen and hold him as bait for Superman, hoping to destroy the Man of Steel with the Kryptonite…Clark Kent comes to Jimmy’s aid—but is also captured and…

 

Okay, Knox—thanks for the recap.  Yes, as we all remember, Clark Kent—who, as Superman, is capable of picking up six bad guys at a time and clunking their heads together in a fashion that would make Moe Howard envious—has to pretend to be a complete wussy in his mild-mannered reporter guise and so he allows the Spider Lady’s gang to overtake him.  Jimmy Olsen has managed to wrest himself loose from the chair in which he was tied…but he doesn’t get far when he’s overpowered and thrown onto a conveyor belt whose final destination is an open furnace.  In the next room, Clark dons the familiar red-and-blue-jammies and does the “This-looks-like-a-job-for-Superman” routine; he then enters the other room, clunks a few heads, throws a few bad guys around and shuts off the switch to the Furnace O’Doom, saving Jimmy O’s scrawny butt.  But the thug-in-charge whips out the box containing the Kryptonite and chucks it at the Man of Steel…he misses him, but the Kryptonite lands in the furnace and a poisonous gas begins to spew forth, knocking Superman’s superior ass to the ground.  The gang prepares to make Supe scream like a little girl but a police whistle is heard in the background—and they beat a hasty retreat.  Jimmy, by this time, has come to and helps Superman by closing the furnace door.  There are no cops, however: just little ol’ Lois Lane and her handy-dandy police whistle…that clever girl…

 

JIMMY: How did you get here?

 

LOIS: I followed Clark…what happened?

 

JIMMY: Well, Superman came…but I guess he was overcome by the Kryptonite…last time I saw him he came staggering over this way…

 

LOIS: What happened to Clark?

 

JIMMY: Oh, they knocked him out and dragged him in there (points to closed door)…

 

LOIS: Let’s see about this…

 

They enter the next room, where Clark has cleverly managed to lose the Superman suit and pretends he’s just coming to:

 

LOIS (with disdain): Well, Mr. Kent—what’s the story?

 

CLARK: I was doing all right…but Superman came in and told me to lay low while he took over…

 

LOIS: Oh, how thoughtful of you to be so considerate of yourself…

 

The trio makes their way back to Daily Planet editor Perry White’s office, where Lois and Jimmy engage in some mutually gratuitous back-patting…while a sheepish Clark has to explain why he chickened out:

 

CLARK: Well, I’ll admit I didn’t cover myself with glory…but I did learn one important fact…

 

WHITE: What is it?

 

CLARK: I gathered from what one of the men said that Dr. Hackett is working on a plan to steal the Reducer Ray…

 

WHITE: That’s a big order—since the government is guarding it…

 

LOIS: And so is Superman…

 

CLARK: That wouldn’t stop the Spider Lady…she’s a dangerous opponent…while she holds the Kryptonite…

 

She’s also the gal I’m planning to marry one of these days—though I may have mentioned this once before.  So, let’s look in on my bride-to-be, in her hidden underground bachelorette pad:

 

HACKETT: Your method of using the Kryptonite against Superman is clumsy and stupid…

 

Hey, watch it, pal!  That’s my fiancée you’re talking to!

 

SPIDER LADY: No doubt you have a better method, Dr. Hackett?

 

HACKETT: No…I haven’t yet…but I hope to…you plotted to bring Superman to you, to destroy him with the Kryptonite…and you failed…I’ll perfect a death weapon that will go to Superman…

 

SPIDER LADY: That would be interesting…if you can do it…

 

In…your…face!  (Seriously…why don’t you put ol’ Doc Hackett in that electric spider web thingy of yours, bunny biscuit?  That’ll wipe that oily grin off his face.)  Meanwhile, the Spider Lady’s chief goon, Anton, is entertaining mutinous thoughts:

 

ANTON (to Hackett): How would you like to get away from her?

 

HACKETT: What are you getting at?

 

ANTON: I can help you scram out of here…for a price…

 

HACKETT: What if I did escape?  I’d still be running away from the police…no…I’m safe here…and once I remove Superman—and get my hands on that Reducer Ray—things will be different…very different…if you’ll excuse me, I must go down to the lower cave to get some materials…

 

While it would appear that Anton is some sort of duplicitous louse, in actuality he was testing Hackett because he soon reports this exchange back to the Spider Lady…proving that he’s a loyal louse.  “He didn’t fall for it,” Anton tells his boss.  “Waiting his chance to take control.”

 

“I’ll take care of Dr. Hackett,” promises Her Arachnidity.  “After I’ve used him and before he becomes too powerful.”

 

(*sigh*) All we have to do now is just set the date…um…where was I?  Oh, yes…we journey to the Nation’s Capital, where Superman is reporting to the Secretary of National Security.  And while I don’t want to say anything before all the facts are in, Supe’s job performance in this area is pretty poor.  He’s supposed to be guarding this Reducer Ray doo-hickey, but I haven’t seen him punch a time clock once.  Fortunately, the Secretary seems to be the same guy who had no doubts that George Bush finished his hitch in the Air National Guard because he glosses over Superman’s frequent absences and focuses on the reason why he’s called him in:

 

SECRETARY: I’ve summoned you for consultation…we wish to remove the Reducer Ray to Metropolis University for further experiments…

 

And you thought I was just being mean with the Bush administration references, didn’t you?  This seems to be the plan: let’s move this vital weapon right into the Spider Lady’s backyard and make it easier for her to swipe the darn thing.  I’m guessing some Senator used a little influence to have it moved into his district (which encompasses Metropolis) in order to provide a few extra jobs because he’s got a tight reelection race.

 

SUPERMAN: I can easily do that…

 

SECRETARY: Good…it must be done swiftly and secretively…

 

SUPERMAN: I agree to the swiftness…but not the secrecy…

 

SECRETARY: Why not?

 

SUPERMAN: We know the Spider Lady is determined to get it…but we don’t know her whereabouts…this is a chance to bring her into the open…

 

SECRETARY: At the risk of losing the Reducer Ray?

 

At the risk of moving this heavily-labored plot along, you mook.  Because when you think about it, shouldn’t Superman be able to utilize his X-ray vision to find the Spider Lady’s hideout…as opposed to just using it to see if Lois Lane is not wearing underwear because it’s laundry day?

 

SUPERMAN: We won’t lose it, I promise…but it may enable us to capture the Spider Lady and Dr. Hackett…

 

SECRETARY (hemming and hawing): Well…if it were anyone else…I would say no…

 

But since I’m a weak-kneed ass kisser who goes limp in the presence of either authority or a guy decked out in red and blue undies, “it’s in your hands.”  (I just hope the bad guys don’t show up with a water pistol laced with Kryptonite.)  Sure as you’re born, the next thing we see is a screaming Daily Planet headline: “REDUCER RAY TO BE MOVED.”  (Oddly enough, there’s a story beside it that reads: “Tax Boost Foreseen.”  This is probably due to the fact that Halliburton will be handling the transportation plans to move the Reducer Ray…God help us all.)

 

SPIDER LADY (reading the article): All public traffic will be detoured on the route on the day that the valuable Reducer Ray will be moved from Washington…it is rumored that Superman will guard the ray machine… (Putting the paper down) My Washington contact has informed me as to the route chosen…

 

DRILLER: What good will that do us if it’s so closely guarded?

 

SPIDER LADY: My men will be there before the area is closed…Irwin and Jackson will stop the truck…

 

HACKETT: How do you know the ray machine will be in the truck?

 

SPIDER LADY: I have definite information…

 

ANTON: But what if Superman is there?

 

SPIDER LADY: You and Brock will take care of Superman with Dr. Hackett’s new weapon…if it’s finished in time…

 

HACKETT: It will be…you needn’t worry about Superman…

 

So, we take you now to Checkpoint Chickie, where Irwin (Paul Stader) and Jackson (Reed Howes) are lying in wait for the truck.  Not too far away, Anton and Brock are attending to Hackett’s “new weapon”:

 

BROCK: You think that thing will really stop Superman?

 

ANTON: Hackett says it will…this little toy contains Kryptonite…

 

BROCK: I hope he’s right…

 

He’d better be…otherwise the pair of you will experience a pummeling the likes of which has not been witnessed in any other serial of its kind.  Meanwhile, the two bozos assigned the task of stopping the truck in what is being called Operation Ray Snatch decide to deliberately disobey orders and switch off their radio from the officially designated frequency in order to listen to the latest Long Distance Dedication on the American Top 40.  (Clearly, good help is hard to find—but what do you expect when under “Salary” in the Spider Lady Employee’s Handbook it reads: “The hire will eventually share in my triumph.”)  So, because of their insubordination, they’re going to miss out on this vital plot twist:

 

DRILLER: W-1 reports that the Reducer Ray is not on the truck…it’s only a trap to catch us…

 

SPIDER LADY: Where is the ray machine?

 

DRILLER: On a special train, due at Jones’ Crossing at three o’clock…

 

SPIDER LADY: Send two men to stop the train…be sure they take the special equipment…I’ll notify the men in Car Four that the whole thing is a trap…

 

DRILLER: Right…

 

“Spider Lady to Car Four…Spider Lady to Car Four.”  Unfortunately, Irwin and Jackson are listening to Rupert Holmes’ Escape, requested by a man who met his “special someone” in the personal ads.  So, the Spider Lady—unable to figure out “Car 4 Where are You?”—contacts Anton and Brock and tips them off to the new plans of the Ray traveling by train.  With the song ended, the two mugs spot the truck and set about stopping it…only to learn that the eternally useless Clark Kent and an unnamed driver occupy the vehicle—not Superman.  Again, because Clark can’t seem to administer a simple ass-whupping if he’s not wearing his cape and tights, the two goons toss his ass down an embankment, allowing him to “This-is-a-job-for-Superman” and streak his cartoon own self across the sky.  Surveying the situation from a cliff, he’s spotted by Anton and Brock, who point Hackett’s weapon in his direction and fire…prompting the Man of Steel to grab it and lob it back toward the henchmen.

 

Supe then heads back to the truck, where Irwin and Jackson do the old bullets-bouncing-off-his-chest routine.  He grabs the two thugs and hold them both in a choke-hold:

 

SUPERMAN: You’re working for the Spider Lady, aren’t you?

 

IRWIN: We can’t tell you anything!

 

SUPERMAN: Better change your minds…sometimes I don’t know my own strength…

 

JACKSON: Why, I’ve never seen her—we were hired by a man called Barton…

 

SUPERMAN: Where’s the Spider Lady’s place?

 

JACKSON: I don’t know…they don’t let anybody go there…

 

Superman asks the truck driver for a little bit o’rope with which to tie the two goons up, and with his super-hearing picks up a transmission from the Spider Lady telling her men to cancel the truck detail and make tracks for the train.  “Turn these men over to the police,” he instructs the driver, as he up-and-up-and-away’s towards Jones’ Crossing.  But is he too late?  Two other men have just planted a big honkin’ charge of dynamite near the rails, observing that “this ray will set it off just ahead of the train.”  They run off to a place where they won’t be seen…the train gets closer and closer…they pull a switch on the detonator…there’s a blinding explosion…

 

Will the vengeance of the Spider Lady again menace Lois Lane?  Will her desperate call for help go unanswered?  For the stirring answers, see “Irresistible Force!”  Chapter 9 of Superman at this blog next week!