Big City Lesson #2

We didn’t get kicked off the train riding up to Seattle, so Charlie and I and the rest of the passengers riding home were safe, right? Fifteen year-old girls weren’t as obnoxious as skater boys or little kids with permissive parents or grouchy senior citizens with bad hearing aids, right? They’d talk on their cell phones and probably do some grooming. The worst thing I imagined was wandering passengers tripping over their crap spread out everywhere. They have better imaginations than me.

Instead of regular seats, we got two tables at the very end of the car, thanks again to their cuteness. They sat down, spread out, and spread out some more. They took over their area as well as ours and the two seats in front of us. Then they started talking and didn’t stop until we were back in Portland three and a half hours later.

“I didn’t spend any money yesterday,” the General says. “So today I bought stuff I didn’t even want or try on.”

She picks up a shopping bag and dumps it out. “Let’s see if this fits.” She pulls a Seahawks sweatshirt over her head and pulls at the arms. “Oops. Too small,” she says. “Charlie, don’t look."

She pulls off her pants. A passenger walks by so she quickly sits down and stuffs a bag over her lap and smiles. As soon as he’s gone, she stands up, still not wearing pants, and digs around her shopping bags.

“I love these,” she says. “I hope they fit.”

“You bought $80 pants and you didn’t even try them on?” Jessi, her level-headed friend says.

“She only got them because I wanted them,” Nicci, the Olsen twin look-alike says.

“They weren’t $80. Look at the tag.”

“$79.50,” Jessi says.

“What?” Charlie says, still looking away.

“I look awesome, get over it. I’m leaving the tag on for school tomorrow.” I notice she’s wearing shoes she got at the thrift store for $2.

The General starts eating cheez-its. We agreed to pay for their hotel and train tickets if they paid for their own food. They prepared by bringing up a big bag of Twizzlers, Coffee Nips and Cheez-its. They took so much from the hotel’s free continental breakfast bar that the clerk asked if they needed trays. They’ve paid for nothing but Starbucks, four times. They’re already developing the healthy habits of a normal College student.

Cheyenneh, the General, looks at Nicci lining up her newly purchased bracelets on her arm and tosses a cheez-it right at her head

“We could have eaten those,” Nicci says. The General is tough and mouthy. Jessi is tall and athletic. Nicci is the tiny helpless-looking one

The General giggles and tosses another one, hitting Nicci right in the ear. I notice her aim has improved from a season of water polo.

“Not acceptable!” Nicci says. Before Charlie and I can come to her rescue, she reaches over the table and smacks the General right on the head. The General giggles and throws more cheez-its. Nicci giggles and pounds on the General’s head. We’ve never seen Nicci do anything but giggle.

“Get that spit off you,” Nicci tells the General. “You’re in public wearing drool.”

“I can’t hear anything over your smacking."

Jessi examines the General’s face and points to the drool. The General wipes it off.

“Someone’s really blonde,” Nicci says.

“No, uh,” the General can’t think of a comeback. “You’re blonde.”

“What is that smell?” Nicci says, giggling. “Is that your feet?”

“What is that smell?” Jessi says. “Chey, why do you always smell like ass?”

“You’re fat,” Chey the General says to Nicci.

“You’re ugly,” Nicci says.

“You’re ugly.”

“No I’m not!”

“You act like kindergartners,” Jessi says.

“No, you act like kindergartners, Chey,” Nicci says.

The General licks her hands and pushes them down from her eyes to her chin over and over. “Crying,” she says. “Cry-ing.” She looks like a mess of tears even though she’s laughing. Jessi gets out her camera and takes a picture. The General poses, pretending to cry.

An older man walks by and mumbles, “You’re annoying everyone on the whole train.”

“Sorry,” Jessi says. The General looks at him and pretends to cry.

“I was wondering if we were annoying everyone,” the General says. “What are they going to do? Make us jump off?” She sticks her head under the table with her feet up. She points her toes and tries to turn the light on with her big toe.

“Look how big her feet are,” Jessi says.

“See, I can’t even do that,” Nicci says. She puts her head under the table and sticks her legs straight up to see if she can turn the light on. Both of them sit at the table with only their legs sticking up.

“Hey, I can do that,” Jessi says. They all have their legs sticking up in the air, trying to turn on the light. Quickly they start having leg fights with each other, laughing loud from under the table.

“You need to help me calm them down,” Charlie says to me.

“Okay,” I say and grab the General’s feet. She’s strong so instead of trying to wrestle her down, I tie her sweat pant legs together. This gives the other two girls a chance to smack her even more.

“Be quiet,” Charlie says. “You’re getting stares."

They sit back up and try to calm down the only way they can: check their cell phones. I notice they’re having another competition. They call as many people as they can and say the same thing: “Hi, what are you doing? . . . I’m not doing anything either. Okay, bye.”

A normal-looking woman walks into the car and stops. The girls immediately act like they’re in school.

“Hi. Are you guys traveling with parents?"

“Yes.” They point to Charlie and me. We’ve been pretending we don’t know them. When people walk by, we act busy packing things up with our backs turned.

“Hi, I’m Jessi’s Spanish teacher."

“Oh,” Charlie says. “We thought you were another person complaining.”

“Did you score my test yet?” Jessi says.

Nicci laughs. “I don’t know about you, but my tests get graded."

“No, I will, though,” Jessi’s Spanish teacher says. “I was wondering if you could give me a ride home."

She wants more time with us? We save her the trouble as there’s no room in our car. All three girls’ cell phones light up and they start planning something.

“We’re going to the movies with boys,” the General says. The other two girls fill the table with make-up and start painting. “You’re wasting your time. All they’ll be looking at is my ass in these pants."

Nicci reaches over and smacks the General one more time, giggling

“Nicci, you used to come over and never say a word,” Charlie says. “Now you’re beating up the General. I have to thank you."

“I have to thank me, too,” Nicci says and gets back to face-painting. Somebody learned a lesson from two days in the big city.

When we arrived back in Portland, the rest of the car went out the door at the opposite end, avoiding contact with noisy teenaged girls. We also learned a lesson; we left by the opposite door, too.

A little help? [] 5:42:30 PM