Bring Your Own Guests

We’re standing in a pink room and a woman says, “Oh, you’re the Cop who bought the truck.  I know all about you.”

We’ve never seen this woman before but we’ve seen this house before.  One night we were driving around with our friends, Gary and Debby, looking at houses.  They are the only two people we know who can go the distance when it comes to house recon. 

Charlie said, “I can’t find a good truck anywhere.”

“They’re everywhere,” Gary said.  “Look.  There’s one for sale right there.”

We stopped.  Gary and Charlie looked at the truck while Debby and I looked at the rooflines. 

“It’s too expensive,” Charlie said.

“Call anyway,” Gary said.  “They can always say no.”

They said yes.  Soon the big-ass honkin’ truck was ours.  We came by to pick it up and begged to look around the remodel.  We looked at it longer than the owners, Rachel and Percy, probably preferred as they just moved in and couldn’t find the title.  We didn’t complain.  The remodel was nicer than some we’ve paid to walk through on Home Tours.

“Can we see it when it’s done?”

“Oh, of course,” Rachel and Percy said.  “We’ll have an open house.  We’ll invite you.”

“If you think it’s nice outside,” we bragged to Gary and Debbie, “You should see the inside.  They said they’d invite us when it’s done.”

“Invite us if they invite you,” Debby said.  So we did.  When you go somewhere and you won’t know anybody, it’s nice to bring along your own friends. 

It took a long time to get from the car to the front door.  “Look at this,” Debby said.  “The candles are floating in cranberries.”  She stopped and pointed at things I would have missed.  “Look at the wrapped stair rail.  Look at these flowers.  I’ve never seen anything like this.”

Percy greeted us when we made it to the front door.  He remembered our names and everything we’d ever mentioned about ourselves, even though it’s been several months.  The house was packed with younger, better dressed (except for Debby) laughing people.  We’ve never seen any of them, ever, not once.

Debby looked at the centerpiece on the table while Charlie looked at the food.  “I can’t believe this catering,” he said.  He ate five little shrimp crackers before saying another word.  He took the caterer’s business card carefully read the information plaque.  I think it might have been an excuse to eat without interruption.

<>After a few more shrimp crackers, he pulled Gary over to the entry way.  “Look at the air-tight joints,” he said, pointing to the finish trim and molding.  “I looked for mistakes.  I can’t find any.” 

Debby saw the decorations on the fireplace mantel and made her way through the thick crowd of good people.  “It’s perfect,” she said.  “It’s understated but creative.”  I never notice anything in front of the paint.  I’m learning there’s a whole world beyond. 

Charlie ran upstairs as soon to show Gary and Debby the showerhead.  “Look at that big old showerhead,” he said.  “It’s as big as a pie.”  Gary nodded and smiled.

Debby noticed the nozzles coming straight out of the wall.  “Wouldn’t that get wet?”

Gary examined it with an engineer’s eye, noting the water trajectory and spray angles.  “No, I don’t think so,” he decided.  “The placement is convenient and safe.”

Debby had already moved on. “Look at the feet on that tub,” she said.  “They’re pewter and the biggest things I’ve ever seen.” 

We looked down.  I never noticed those before, either.  She’d moved on again.  “Look at the sinks,” she said.  “They’re like big bowls on top of an old dresser.  It’s not a style I’d think would match.  But it works.  It adds contrast.”

We looked through the bedroom closets, my favorite thing to snoop around in at other people’s houses.  We didn’t snoop too much, since this wasn’t a $15 remodeler’s Home Tour.  When you pay, it’s okay.  I curtailed my urge to open drawers.

We ended up in the second guest bedroom at the end of the hallway.  Every wall and ceiling in the house except this one was in Oregon muted natural browns and tans.  This room was candy pink.  A couple of women stood by the white vanity dresser, opening drawers.

“It’s the perfect little girl’s room,” the first woman said

“They don’t have kids,” the other woman said.  She noticed us watching.  “Hi, I’m Rachel’s Mother,” she said.  “Who are you?”

“I’m here because I bought a truck,” Charlie said.  Gary, Debbie and I smiled.  We didn’t have any real reason to be here.

Rachel’s Mother told us how nice it was to meet us.  She knew quite a bit about us and told us how nice it was to meet us.  Charlie told me later that’s when he felt guilty for trying to talk Rachel and Percy down so much on the truck price. 

“I never would have thought of a pink room,” Debby said.  “The texture is original, too, with the blemishes and cracks and everything.  Amazing.”

“That paint lady came in here and within ten minutes she had all the colors picked out for each room,” Rachel’s Mother said.  “They never would have picked pink.”

Debby and I must have been lost in a pink cloud, as Charlie and Gary nudged us back downstairs.  “That’s too much pink for me,” Charlie said.  “Where’s the keg?”

We walked by Rachel, who also remembered our names and remembered more details than even our friends do.  “We’re not doing anything wrong, are we?” she asked Charlie.

“No, you’re fine,” he said.  “But later on we’ll hide at the end of your street and see how many DUIs we can get off your guests.”

She smiled.  I’m not sure she heard him.

“I’m kidding,” he said.

We checked out the landscaping on the way out.  “I wouldn’t have done this kind of organized planting,” Debby said.  “It fits the house, though.”

We live for the opportunity to judge other people’s houses.  We rarely get a chance to judge something in this tax bracket without a Home Tour ticket.  Home Tours usually only serve cheap cookies.  We’ll have to remember this next time we’re buying a car.

“Want to go see the house we just bought?” Gary asked.

“Were you looking?”

“It’s a rental.  It’s nothing like this and there’s no heat.”

“Good,” Charlie said.  “If I go straight home, I might feel bad.”

“Oh, you’ll feel good after this,” Gary said.  “We could use your suggestions.”

It’s a good day when you get invited to a beautiful home to eat shrimp crackers and, before you go home, you get to tell people what to do to rescue a rental.  If only we didn’t have to go home to our house.  The paint on my walls really started to bother me. 

I feel another trip to the paint department coming on.

A little help? [] 10:43:43 PM