What Step-Dads Do

Charlie hears screeching tires coming around the cul-de-sac.  There are lots of neighbor kids, noisy young ones, playing in the street all the time.  Whoever’s driving like this needs to hear some of his choicest swearing.

He looks up to see the General slamming her brakes as she pulls up to our driveway.  Before he can cuss, and believe me he doesn’t need a lot of time to work up to it, the General is already talking.  Once she starts, there’s no telling when you’ll be able to get in a word or two.

“I need money,” she says.  “I have no gas.  I’m on fumes.  Unless you want to drive me everywhere, and I do mean everywhere: work, school, tryouts, my friends’ houses; you’d better give me money now.  Now!  I don’t have a lot of time.”

“Your mother’s inside,” Charlie says.  “Go talk to her.”

“I believe I was talking to you.”

“You know I don’t have any money.  Your mother takes care of that.  I never have money.”

“Oh,” she says and runs inside.  “Mom!”

As soon as she sees me she says, “I need money.”

“Hello,” I say.  “How was your day?”

“I need money for gas.  Where’s your credit card?”

“I need money for gas, too,” I say.  “In case you haven’t noticed, we drive a big-ass honkin’ truck.  It’s an obese pig.  No matter how much we feed it, it still dings.  It was dinging today so I put $10 worth of cheap gas in it.  I pulled out of the gas station and you know what?  It still dinged.  Charlie’s so mad at Bush he would have campaigned for Kerry at this point.”

“That’s great.  Where’s your wallet?”

“Don’t use the credit card,” I say.  “It’s past its limit, probably because I keep feeding the truck.  There’s a $20 in there.”

“That won’t get me very far.”

“Farther than me.”

“Okay,” she says.  “Did I tell you I went tanning yesterday and my ass is so sore I couldn’t sit down in class today?”

“Yes, you called me from choir when your teacher walked out of the room.”

“Oh yeah.  I think I’ll see if I’m peeling.”

She disappeared and for a minute it was quiet.  Charlie came in from outside saying, “Did she ask you for money?”

“Yes.”

“It’s not by accident you handle the money,” he says.  “That way she can’t keep asking me.”

“Look at this,” she said, emerging from the bathroom.  She held a big piece of peeled skin.  She handed it to Charlie.

“What is it?” he asked.

“That’s the skin off my ass.”

“Eww!”

“It’s peeling from tanning.”  She found a ziploc bag and carefully put the piece of skin peel in it and closed it up.

“What are you doing with it?”

“I’m going to give it to Meagan, ‘cause she’s moving.”

“What’s the name of the kid who’s taking you to the prom?”

“Taylor.”

“You should give it to him instead, and tell him, ‘This is the only piece of ass you’ll be getting from me.”

She laughed, and took her skin and ran out the door.  The cul’s safe for neighbor kids to come out, at least until she needs money again.

A little help? [] 8:58:00 PM