Indoor Camping: Fixing Up the Fixer-Upper

Friday, July 09, 2004

ReMax Road Trip

My dentist had the best Office Manager. She was so funny, I almost looked forward to fluoride. I liked her so much I went with Charlie when he had appointments. I got to know her well. Charlie had lots of appointments.

My dentist is cheap and fired her instead of giving her a raise or any kind of health benefits. The Office Manager, Margie, became a Real Estate agent. She called a while ago to tell us she’s hosting one of the ReMax Street of New Beginnings homes. I told her we’d be there, especially if I could visit without a mouthful of fluoride after.

Charlie couldn’t get the day off, so I told the skateboarder kid, “Come with me and I’ll get you anything you want.” This would be dangerous to say to the General, but daughters are different in many ways. The skateboarder does all the household shopping, shops for school clothes at second-hand stores, and won’t ask for anything. You have to think of excuses to buy him stuff.

“Take me and a friend to a stupid movie tonight.”

"You got it,” I said. We like stupid movies, too. If the 17 year-old and his friends don’t mind being around our loud laughs, we’ll take them until they do.

I left a message for Margie saying we’d be there in an hour. I’m used to calling her about appointments. It seemed like something I should be doing, even if she’s now in Real Estate.

I don’t know where everyone was going, but they were all trying to merge in front of me. The whole slow lane was one big convoy of semi-trucks. Every few miles, the slow lane disappeared into a construction zone. I didn’t go over 35 mph for almost an hour.

It was a perfect sunny day when we got in the car. Five miles out, it was dark and threatening rain. When you live here long enough, you learn the weather pockets. If it’s raining, it’s raining in our little town. If it’s sunny, it’s sunny here, too.

About a month ago, it was so hot in our little bedroom community we had to get out. We took the motorcycle and headed west. The closer to the coast you go, the cooler it gets.

We stopped at the first coastal town, put on our jackets, gloves, and liners and were still freezing. Charlie looked at the dark gray overcast sky and said, “It’s sunny everywhere in Oregon, so why did we go to the one place where it’s going to rain?”

We returned to our little bedroom community and ate ice cream instead. The heat was preferable over a grumpy coastal tourist town full of idiots who’d make anyone hate humanity.

The ReMax Street of New Beginnings is a tour of nine energy-efficient homes in a beautiful natural setting, or so they want you to believe. Last year, before building the Earth Advantage Lifestyle village, this beautiful natural setting was a cornfield in Cornelius, Oregon.

Cornelius is nicknamed, “Oregon’s family town.” If so, this family needs therapy. Not even in the worst parts of Portland are more people standing on street corners. If I wanted to see bored people hanging out, I’d stay home and watch the skateboarder kid and his friends.

It’s always raining in Cornelius. I’d swear it is today, except the windshield is only getting coated with bird shit. I hope it’s bird shit. Who knows what’s in the air in this town?

The skateboarder hasn’t said anything for an hour. I’ve been driving, following the signs through crowded streets and cornfields, getting excited to see the Street of New Beginnings. The road signs make us drive the longest way possible. After a while, I notice I haven’t seen the directional signs.

I can’t follow directional signs past the fifth or sixth one. That’s the one they put way down low or back far from the street, the one I always miss. I must have missed it because we’re driving by McMenamin’s Grand Lodge in Forest Grove. This brewpub and hotel used to be a Masonic temple, renovated to be, “A bit like falling down the rabbit hole with Alice.”

The last time I was here the service was so bad they gave us our lunch for free. It was so bad there was no one to complain to about how bad it was. It was like falling down the rabbit hole, but without Alice. Right then I gave up on finding the Street of New Beginnings. I wanted to return to our cul-de-sac of old stagnation. This homes tour was turning into a road trip.

I knew a shortcut back to our little bedroom community full of sun, so I took it. I’m afraid if I drove through Cornelius, Oregon’s dysfunctional family town, I might end up criticizing people who weren’t my X. I’d have stayed married to him if I lived here. He’d look positively entrepreneurial compared to the idle locals, and he hasn’t worked for over four years.

Just like a road trip, I fought off sleeping at the wheel. NPR usually keeps me awake, but this time “Science Friday,” one of my favorite shows, was so boring I couldn’t follow it. It got somewhat better when they started talking about forest fires. But trying to drive in heavy traffic during road construction while listening to someone go from telescopes to smoke water and non-indigenous plant was too much for my brain to process.

It was apparently too much for the skateboarder’s brain to process, too. “Squirrels?” he said. “Why are they talking about squirrels? I thought they were talking about forest fires.”

I decided we weren’t going to waste our two hours in traffic. I took a detour and decided to use the AAA card to get discount movie tickets. It’s maybe five minutes from my house, but I didn’t think I could make it home without stopping. I was slapping my face trying to stay awake. At least we got back into the sun.

Good thing we didn’t go to the ReMax home tour, I thought when I stepped out of my car. Two cortisone shots to my heel and I can still hardly walk. Plantar faciitis, my latest running injury, makes you wish for a cane. I wouldn’t have made it through one energy-efficient home.

The skateboarder hopped out of the car after me, to my surprise. He must be bored if he wants to join me for a trip to the AAA office. I opened the front door for him and said, “I’m getting movie tickets. You can have fun looking at luggage or something.”

He wandered around for a bit then stood right next to me. There were about fifty seniors all over the place, all very animated and needing lots of help. I think they scared him.

None of the seniors were getting movie tickets so I got mine right away. The skateboarder played with the AAA person’s computer and mouse and whatever else was on her desk the moment she turned her back. She had lots of cute little things, things with fish and cats and stuff I never thought a 17 year-old male would even notice. Two hours driving through Cornelius will do that to you.

Driving out the parking lot, I happened to notice a couple of guys on the manicured lawn across the street. It’s a business complex, yet these guys were walking around picking up golf balls. I looked closer, trying to see what they were hitting them with. Where were their clubs?

I must have been looking too closely as I drove right up the nicely landscaped median strip. I drove on it for several yards before getting back on the road. Worse yet, I still couldn’t see any golf clubs.The skateboarder started laughing at my driving. “I’ve never been four-wheeling in a business complex before,” he said.

<>“Someday you’ll forget I did this,” I said as I got back on the road. I run up parking medians and curbs all the time but this is my first street median strip. Now you know why I drive a Jeep. The stupid movie tonight probably won’t seem as stupid to me now.

When I get home I had better call Margie, the ex-dental Office Manager, and tell her I need to reschedule.
A little help? [] 7:26:17 PM