The Gizmos of Guys

As a woman, I’m not supposed to understand men.  They seem to get excited about the dumbest things, like transportation.  Give me a good light rail system and I’ve moved on.  With guys, though, it’s a different story.  When it comes to getting from point A to point B, they’re never satisfied.  There’s always a better, more costly, more inefficient way to go.

Women are told we have shopping obsessions.  We practice “mall therapy,” where a good case of the blues is completely forgotten with a good pair of shoes.  I hear this endlessly at parties. 

Since my sisters and I don’t like shopping (too many decisions and they all involve money), we don’t take this criticism.  Besides, how much does a pair of shoes cost?   Get over it.  You can buy enough shoes to fill a Ford F-250 before you’ve come close to equaling the cost of one month’s truck loan payment.  You don’t see finance officers at Nordstrom’s, either, like you do at a car dealership.  Think about it.

Charlie mowed lawns and saved up so the day he was legal, he bought himself a motorcycle.  He can tell you, with a faraway look in his eyes, the make and model, the engine specs, and even the weather on his sacred day of first vehicle ownership.

He’s bought and sold dozens of cars, trucks, and motorcycles since that glorious day, and only a few vehicle purchases have been as memorable.  From the look in his eyes, I believe there’s only one day that comes as close to that first vehicle ownership day: the day he went down to Eugene and ordered himself a brand-new Road King Harley-Davidson.

<>He can tell you all about kidnapping the skateboarder, making him sit on the back of his older, used Road King, and driving all the way down.  The skateboarder kept asking, “Where are you taking me?”  

“North of here,” Charlie said.

“But we’re heading South,” the skateboarder kid said.

Charlie laughed and the conversation repeated itself for the several hours it took them to end up at the Harley Dealership.  Charlie will tell you at great lengths about what the weather was like on this trip, too, if you make the mistake of asking him.  He mostly tells everyone how much he saved by going to Eugene.  He tells people this even if they don’t ask.

Today, one and a half years later, Charlie waved good-bye to the bike of his dreams.  I had nothing to do with it, I promise.

“It all started in 1903,” Charlie says.  “Two brothers and a buddy wanted to get to their fishing hole faster, so they figured out how to put a motor on a bicycle.  The company grew from an 8 X 10 workshed into one of the biggest corporate success stories on the planet.”

Charlie told this success story whenever anyone asked about buying a brand-new Harley.  Soon his Chief, Captain, and another Lieutenant at work all had Harleys.  He’d blazed a trail.

“There’s a dark underbelly,” Charlie says, “about Harley-Davidsons.  It’s known only through purchasing one of their overpriced ‘lifestyles.’   When you buy a Harley, it’s just a down-payment for all the extras you’re compelled to buy later. 

“Their motorcycles are mass-produced, but Harley convinces buyers they’ll be unique if they buy the same add-on chrome crap everyone else also buys.  When everyone else buys the same accessories to make their bike stand out and look individual, all the bikes end up looking the same.”

There’s a joke that H-D stands for Hundred-Dollars, since that’s the cheapest price for anything containing the Harley-Davidson logo.  Charlie has fits when he talks about their apparel.  “The rain doesn’t care if you bought your gear at a Harley Dealership or at a running store,” he says.  “Running gear is cheaper by half and keeps you drier.  If you’re insecure, you can buy Harley patches and sew them on.  You get a better product and you have enough money to make the payment.”

Once you have a Harley, there’s the issue of maintenance.  “I’ve never heard of a simple oil change costing $240,” Charlie says.  “That’s standard.  Last time I checked, Jiffy Lube was still less than $30 for the same thing, no matter how big and ugly your vehicle. 

“If you don’t get your bike serviced by an official Harley-Davidson department, the warranty is void.  That’s one of the ways they trap you into spending all your money every 2,500 miles at the dealership.  While you’re there, you have to wait.  You walk around looking at even more chrome crap you might want to buy to make your bike even more special.”

Charlie and I went into the nearby dealership one time, after we bought the new Road King.  We stood looking at the new models, and within a few minutes a pushy salesman came by to tell us to buy a bike before they disappear.  “This is the last place I’d buy a Harley,” Charlie said.  “We got ours for $3,000 cheaper just by calling around.  You guys are the most expensive in the whole Metro area.”

He immediately became defensive and started bragging about how much money he’s making by selling Harleys so much more over the suggested retail price.  “As long as people pay it, I’ll continue to make $10,000 a month,” he said.  “I don’t even have to work full-time.”

We've never been back.

One day Charlie said, “I’m tired of being cold when it’s cold, hot when it’s hot, and wet when it’s raining.  I want a truck.”  He looked up the suggested trade-in and retail value for his Harley, and he called dealerships.  Nobody called.  It got to be a usual thing: if no one called to inquire about the bike, we’d lower the price.  We did this five weeks in a row.  We had it on the market for over $2,000 less than the dealerships recommended.

Yesterday, a guy from Seattle called.  He was so excited when Charlie told him about all the bolt-on crap he’d added in the past year and a half, trying to make it unique but failing miserably since every other model we saw on the road had all the same stuff.  He said, “If the bike’s everything you say, I’ll be down tomorrow to buy it.”

He called back, saying he didn’t want to carry that much cash.  “Who’s name goes on the certified check?” he asked.

“I’m going to need the name and number of the bank to verify your check,” Charlie said.  “I’m uncomfortable taking a check.”

The guy said, “I’m going to need to see the title.  I don’t know if I can trust you, either.”

“I think as soon as you pull up and see me, you’ll trust me.  I’ll be the one wearing a police uniform.”

“Oh crap.  You’re a cop?  Well, forget it then.”

After a pause, the guy said, “Just kidding.  See you tomorrow.”

After showing him the Road King and all the accessories we once insisted on having, Charlie decided it was his moral duty to make the guy aware of the Harley culture and all its’ trappings.  He didn’t start preaching until he had the guy’s check in his hands, though.

The guy was much more enamored with the chrome on the Harley than he was with Charlie’s stern warnings about buying into the Harley culture.  He reminded me of Charlie when he was buying this same vehicle.  Give him a few service department payments and he’ll feel the same way, I suspect.

The next day Charlie got a call from someone wanting to know if he’d sold his Road King.  Charlie told him, “Sorry I just sold it.”  As he was about ready to hang up, the caller said, “I don’t want to buy it, I have one for sale, too.”

“I’ve had mine in the paper for a month now and haven’t had one call,” he said.  “I’m pretty disillusioned about the whole Harley thing.  I’m selling because I’m sick of all the hype and the overcharging.

“Every Harley-Davidson rally I went to,” he said, “Everyone had identical jackets, gloves, sunglasses, and even hats.  We looked like a bunch of clones, almost like a cult.  Everybody bragged about how their bike was like no one else’s, but really they were all the same.

<>“The reason you’re not getting calls is because there’s a glut of Harleys,” Charlie told him.  “They’re everywhere.  Dealers are lowering their prices, too, so why buy a  used one when you can buy a new one for just a little more?” 

He said, “You know I think you’re right.  Still, you took a bath when you sold that one.”

Charlie, once again, got the opportunity to share the story of how he saved $3,000 by shopping around.  “Considering the miles we put on it,” Charlie added, “We didn’t lose anything.”

“I’m so sick of people with Harley-Davidsons,” the guy replied.  “They all talk and act the same.  The next bike I get is going to be a Honda.”

Charlie told him he can’t wait to be warm when it’s cold, be cool when it’s hot, and dry when it’s raining.  “I’m getting a truck,” he said.

I’m going shopping, I thought.  I could use some shoes, real expensive ones.

A little help? [] 6:29:09 PM