New Year’s Resolutions
In 2004 I resolve to:
Be more fragrant in positive ways.
Use the word “resplendent” less in the company of other men.
Focus on a spot on the wall for one hour every day.
Chew gum.
Feign amusement during dreadfully dull conversations.
Nail down the concept of clockwise and counterclockwise without using my fingers.
Exercise once in January and once in July.
Learn quantum physics and then apply it to the reduction of clutter in my kitchen.
Care more about something.
Eat foie gras on better quality crackers.
Stop shouting “eat me” every time President Bush comes on the television set.
Start mooning the television set every time President Bush comes on.
Read the first and last sentence of every book at Barnes & Noble.
Try to pay more than $3.99 for a bottle of wine and less than $3.99 for a cup of coffee.
Stand in shorter lines.
Remember what’s important in life; write it down if necessary.
Forgo the crap and just be happy.
11:18:48 AM 
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