Hirsute? No, thanks, I’ve already got one.
There are 23 hairs on the toes of my left foot and 20 on my right. Those are combined numbers (as in an average of 4.3 hairs per toe). This worries me because last time I checked there were about half that many.
I DON’T WANT TO BE AN APEMAN!
Sorry, I get a bit emotional on this subject. You see, some men tend to get hairier as they get older. This is not a condition to which I aspire. I look at guys whose heads are balding and I worry. I think to myself, “I know where all that hair is going – straight to my ass!” Indeed, I have given this notion a lot of thought. I believe that there should be a corollary to the first law of thermodynamics, the one about energy being neither created nor destroyed. The corollary would state that body hair is neither created nor destroyed, but passed on from one man to the next. Your loss is my gain.
I suppose I should count my blessings, as I am not bald. I will not go bald. It is not in the genes for me. The problem is that I am already seeing hair starting to grow in places that it never grew before. For as long as I can remember, I have always had a pretty thick beard. Sometimes, I will even shave twice in a day, especially if I am going out in the evening or if my wife complains that she is making love to a sheet of sandpaper. The perpetual 5 o’clock shadow thing doesn’t bother me; I can deal with that. It’s those other places where hair is starting to show up that really bug me.
I already sport a pretty healthy chest rug. Nothing too serious, but respectable nonetheless. Let me put it in perspective: If Sean Connery and I were to butt chests at 30 MPH neither of us would get hurt. And…well, you get the idea. I’m not going to go through this body part by body part. It’s a normal part of the aging process for men. I am just having trouble getting used to the idea.
Indeed, I obsess enough about it enough during my daily “new hair counts” in front of the mirror that I have even considered, dare I say it, getting waxed. I’ll never do it; don’t get me wrong. The pain avoidance instinct is clearly the stronger of the two impulses for me. My wife thinks that I’m crazy for even thinking about it. Although, she has admitted that she wouldn’t mind being the one to yank the wax sheets off my body when it comes right down to it. There is simply too much of a glimmer in her eyes when she says this for me to trust her with that responsibility.
In real terms, I probably have about the average amount of body hair for a man of my age. The real problem for me is accepting the fact that I’m getting older. Each new hair is like a tick of the clock. I know, I know, I am overreacting. I’m healthy. I’m in pretty good physical shape. I look at my face in the mirror and I still see a young man looking back at me – a young man that has been rolling around on the floor at the barbershop!
NO! DON’T MAKE ME LIVE IN THE JUNGLE WITH ALL THE OTHER APES!!!
So, hypothetically speaking, exactly how bad does waxing hurt?
8:21:12 AM  Stories
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