Avocado
The peeling wallpaper theme has carried over to my desktop at work. Well, the peeling part anyway. I now have a peeling desk. My desk is quite old. It has a laminated top. And it’s green. Avocado green. The color they used a lot for kitchen appliances back in the 1960s. Apparently, everyone was doing LSD back then.
My desktop started peeling quite some time ago. When I first noticed it, I did what any guy would do, which was to try and glue it back down. I squeezed a half bottle of wood glue onto the surfaces and stuck a bunch of books on top until it dried. A woman would have gotten on the phone and found a new desk. Or quit. Found a job with real office furniture. Guys look at a peeling desktop as a challenge. We’re pathetic.
The glue held for a couple of years. But now it’s peeling again. This time from both edges at once. And the process is happening fast. Right now my desk looks like a giant U-shaped skateboard park. There is about a three-inch section in the middle of the desktop that is still glued down. I suspect my time is limited. I’m worried about catastrophic failure in the end. Is this big green laminate sheet going to spring up and cause me bodily harm? Will I have to initiate a worker’s compensation suit against my employer claiming injury by laminate? How embarrassing!
Lawyer: Your honor we would like to enter this piece of laminate desktop as exhibit 1.
Judge: Is that avocado green?
Jury: <snickers>
At the moment I am not holding any meetings in my office. There is no way to maintain a position of authority with a desk like this. How can you take someone seriously when they are sitting across from you behind a curled up desk? There’s nowhere to even set a cup of coffee down; it would slide right down to the middle and spill all over everything.
But I am not giving up. No sir. My plan is two-fold: more glue and bolts. This time I’m going to bolt the edges down. Massive bolts, drilled straight down through the entire desk and anchored into the support joists under the floor. This desktop is going down and staying down. Until I retire. Then it’s some other guy’s problem.
5:59:06 PM 
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