VW: Sex Wanted
It was one of those little news stories you often see tucked away on the sidebars of web pages. Quirky items that catch your eye with their titles. Sometimes you take the bait and click the link to check them out; other times the title alone tells you all you need to know. This one really caught my eye. I read the title on my Hotmail home page and muttered, “Uh oh.”
The title of this news tidbit was a tease. It read: “BMW Owners Have More Sex?” The question mark is what got me. Was it true or were they just dicking with me? I clicked to find out. The link was to a CNN news story and it reported on an article in a German magazine called Men’s Car. According to a survey conducted by the magazine it is true that male BMW drivers between the ages of 20 and 50 have more sex than drivers of any other car make.
This news would not go over well with my people. I am a Volkswagen driver. We finished third, behind Audi. BMW drivers claim that they have sex 2.2 times per week; Volkswagen drivers, 1.9 times per week.
That very night, I heard the beating of drums in a distant field calling together the VW tribe for an emergency council meeting. The drums were really the subwoofers of the Volkswagen GTI owners. These young bucks never miss an opportunity to party. They were parked in the back of the field, listening to pounding music from bands most of us have never heard of, drinking Starbucks lattes and playing Hacky Sack.
The rest of the tribe fell in as the evening progressed. The Jetta drivers, the Beetle drivers, the Passat drivers, the Phaeton drivers, the Touareg drivers. It was a rainy night and the field was wet. Ironically, it was the Touareg drivers who complained the most about the mud on their cars. Typical, isn’t it, that the more expensive the SUV the less comfortable the driver is about taking the vehicle off road? Somebody shouted out this observation and everyone laughed.
A representative from Volkswagen was flying in from Germany to speak to us about the BMW sex problem (well, really, it was the VW lack of sex problem) but he was late. The crowd started getting restless. Each model group started blaming every other model group for Volkswagen’s poor showing in the sex survey. The Jetta owners blamed the Beetle owners (“It was all those drugs in the 60s.”) The Beetle owners blamed the Passat owners (“Enough with the soccer practices and ballet recitals; go home and screw!”). Everybody blamed the Phaeton owners (“It costs as much as a BMW so why aren’t you getting laid more?”).
All the while, from the back of the field, there was thuwump, thuwump, thuwump as the GTI owners partied. There was no beef with these guys. They were having the most sex of any Volkswagen model. If it wasn’t for the GTI guys, we’d be clawing are way up the list behind Hyundai owners.
By the time the Volkswagen representative showed up there was mayhem in the field. The rep’s name was Dieter. He wore a jacket and a hat with the VW insignia. He spoke flawless English with a strong German accent that was easy on the ear, even through the large bullhorn that he held up to his mouth. Everyone gathered together to hear what he had to say. The GTI guys turned off their stereos.
“Let’s start with the good news,” Dieter said and paused until there was quiet. “We beat out Porsche! Porsche drivers have sex only 1.4 times per week.” There was some grumbling and a smattering of applause. Someone from the back of the field shouted out, “Those dudes are, like, older than sin. They’re lucky if they can still get it up!” The crowd burst into laughter.
Dieter told the well-worn joke about BMW owners. “What’s the difference between a BMW owner and a porcupine? With the porcupine the prick is on the outside.” We laughed some more. Dieter knew how to calm a crowd. He reminded us that we were family, after all. The Volkswagen family. He told us that the difference of 0.3 sex acts per week that separated us from the BMW driver was inconsequential. “What’s a fraction of a sex act anyway?” he asked. “In reality, it takes four weeks before BMW owners have sex one full time more than us – do the math.” He went on to say that the engineers over in Wolfsburg were working hard to increase the sex appeal of all Volkswagen models. We would soon be number one, he promised. This was music to all our ears.
Dieter encouraged us to be proud of our automobiles. “With pride comes confidence,” he said. “And with confidence comes sex. Lots and lots of sex!” There was much jubilation in the crowd. As a final note, Dieter enjoined us to go home, wake up our wives and girlfriends and make wild, passionate love. “The time is now,” he said.
The GTI guys peeled out of the field, honking their horns and cranking their tunes. There was no question they were heading home to heed Dieter’s advice. As for the rest of us, well, I heard a good bit of grumbling about the late hour and busy schedules at work. Maybe in the morning. Yeah, that’s it. Sex in the morning. After a good night’s sleep.
The time is tomorrow.
11:22:18 PM  Stories
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