Finding meaning where you least suspect it
So, I am reading the instruction manual for my new digital voice recorder. Typical of these gadgets, there are way more functions than anyone needs. All I want to do is record and playback short messages to myself. But there are at least fifty other features. The pages of the manual fold out like a map with three horizontal and three vertical folds, text on both sides, top to bottom, infinitesimally small print. I am scanning through this thing, trying to coax the meaning out of the Japanese English when my eyes stop on a particular passage. The feature is called “Combining messages.” What this means is that you can combine two messages recorded separately into one message. Fair enough. I have no use for it, but I can see how somebody might. At the bottom of the section there is a special note in bullet form:
- If you combine messages frequently, the unit may become unable to combine messages.
The note goes on to say that “this is a limitation of the system, however, it is not a malfunction.” Huh?
Besides being patently absurd from the standpoint of the non-malfunctioning function that may not function, there is something hauntingly familiar about the words in that bullet. But I can’t quite put my finger on it. So, I shake it down a little more.
- If you overuse the function, the unit may stop working.
Nope. Still not there. Maybe if I massage it into a simpler vernacular.
- You keep playing with your unit and it’s gonna stop working.
Ah hah! That’s it. Now I remember. Middle school health class. The gym teacher’s lecture on masturbation. Strikingly similar. Only the “unit” in question was different. And the concern wasn’t that it would stop working, but that it would fall off.
10:40:48 PM  Random Nonsense
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