One Great God
To the faithful parishioners of One Great God temple:
For fifteen years I have been your Holy Cleric here at the temple in Hoboken. And for all that time I have held these three words to be true in my heart – One Great God! We here at the One Great God temple know the only great God, our beloved Shemp. All the other so-called gods are mere fairytale posers – imaginary saviors in flowing white robes and open-toed sandals. Please, I apologize for my blasphemy. I have had many glasses of wine to steady my nerves. It is the only way I could write this letter.
Soon after the sacred documents that are the foundation of our religion were discovered high up in a cave on Mt. Ararat, I knew we had unearthed the teachings of a truly awe-inspiring God. Reams of ancient papyrus leaves carefully scribed with the transcripts of homilies, teachings, occurrences of miracles. Every word, every action Shemp took, was written down and signed by witnesses. The great Shemp could not produce his daily bodily waste without a disciple poking at it with a stick and scribbling some notes.
"Live your life according to my teachings and you will rise to greatness on earth," Shemp said. "And when you die you will prosper in the afterlife that I have built for you, complete with comfortable furniture, handmaids, vintage wine, dancing and live music every night by talented musicians playing all the songs you know and love." Hard to knock that!
So why then, when a religion comes along that speaks of truth and hope and offers definitive proof that One Great God exists, do we still find our congregation struggling for its very existence? My friends, I fear there are many reasons.
Let’s start with the big one. The very name of our messiah: Shemp. I must tell you, when I first heard the name, I thought: how could this be? But the translation was accurate. In ancient times the word Shemp meant “a revered man with much facial hair.” Now, unfortunately, the name Shemp is associated with a strange American cult known as "The Three Stooges."
We have all been subjected to the cruel jokes, the snickering behind our backs, the heathen teenagers who disrupt our services with cries of "nyuk, nyuk, nyuk" and "woob, woob, woob." I am not certain, but it is my understanding that it is the Stooge Curly who makes these sounds, not the one called Shemp. There are no such problems in my homeland of Turkajistan, a reverent place where the name of our dearly loved Shemp is held in the highest stead. Only here, in the fatuous empire of America, is it so difficult to take seriously a God called Shemp. This is a definite bummer for us.
Then there is the problem of Tuesday services. For reasons no one understands, Tuesday was Shemp's favorite day. A disciple once asked him, "Oh great one, could you not gather us together on Sunday instead of Tuesday as it is more convenient for our families." That man was smote and dragged behind a blind stag for three days. From then on, Tuesday was mandated as prayer day. But in America few people can take off from work or school for daytime services on a Tuesday. And in the evenings there are soccer matches, PTA meetings, bowling leagues, you name it. Week after week, prayer rugs sit empty in the temple.
We continue to struggle with Shemp's command that an animal, preferably a large spunky goat, be sacrificed at every service. This puts our faith at odds with federal and state laws that forbid ritualistic sacrifices. As you know, there have been many protests outside our temple at the Landsdown Mills Shopping Plaza. Animal rights fanatics throw cream pies at us and shout taunts like, "Why I oughta..." and "Get out of here you knuckleheads." I ask you, how much more must we endure?
This brings me to the point of my letter. With great sadness I must inform you that effective immediately I am resigning as spiritual leader of One Great God temple. The temple will be shut down. Believe me when I tell you that I did not come to this decision lightly. I had no choice. We are broke; months behind on our rent. The plumbing beneath the animal sacrifice pit has started leaking. Blood has seeped downstairs into the Dress Barn, damaging thousands of dollars of merchandise. Our landlord has started eviction proceedings. It's over my friends. We must move on.
I know that this news comes at a bad time. Shemp Day is tomorrow! Our holiest of holy days. The day over two millennia ago that our beloved Shemp, surrounded by his followers, spontaneously ignited and shot like a fiery rocket into the sky to set up shop in the One Great Afterlife. Of course, as you know from the scripture, Shemp Day religious services are required to take place on January 1st at sunrise. Only a handful of worshippers ever attend, and most of you are still intoxicated from New Year's eve celebrations. I don't think even Jesus could have packed the house under these conditions.
So that's it my friends. I must go now. Tomorrow I am leaving for Carson City, Nevada with Ali Sashagarnubi, the music coordinator here at One Great God. We have been having an affair for the last 18 months. Ali and I will run a specialty rice import business on the internet. I don't mind telling you that Ali is a skilled student of the Kama Sutra and has turned my world upside down, and on occasion, sideways. I am a new man.
Praise Shemp and good-bye.
3:04:40 PM  Stories
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