Trash talk
Today was trash day in my neighborhood. As I drove down the block, I noted that one of my neighbors must be installing new flooring in his house. Out on the curb he had stacked several large pieces of his old carpeting. Across the street another neighbor had put out a nasty looking vacuum cleaner with his trash. Surely, you can guess where my mind went with that juxtaposition. I tried not to think about it, really I did. I tried to pretend I didn't see it. I knew it would get ugly if I didn’t take control. But I couldn't push the thoughts out of my head fast enough. It was too late. The vacuum cleaner was already in the street. Its self-propelled motor was pulling it in a straight line toward the carpet on the other side. I had to slam on the brakes of my car and swerve to keep from hitting this cast off Hoover. Undeterred, the vacuum cleaner continued along its path and, just like that, was all over that shag.
Of course, I am imagining all of this, but even in my own brain I couldn't stop the course of events. There was nothing to do but get out of the car and try to break them up. By now, though, the Hoover had a big chunk of the carpet wedged in it's jaws and was not about to let go voluntarily. Never mind that its brushes had seized and its belt drive was smoking from the friction. The smell of burnt rubber was in the air. The carpet, for its part, was doing nothing to fight back. It just lay there in a heap. Its instinct is to play dead when threatened. I tried pulling the vacuum cleaner off, but it wouldn't budge. I repeatedly clicked the on/off button but it wasn't working. The handle came off in my hand. No wonder this thing was being thrown out. I reached for the cord and gave it a tug but it wasn't plugged in. (You don't need electricity in a fantasy. Duh!) Finally, I put my life on the line to free the carpet from this pit bull of a Hoover by propping my feet up against its underside, sticking my hand way up inside the thing and yanking it out through brute force along with a lot of grunting.
Through all of this, many of my neighbors came out of their houses to watch. They were cheering me, calling me a hero. Women threw their undergarments at me. James Earl Jones offered me a discount wireless plan with unlimited minutes – nights and weekends. I didn't even know he lived in the neighborhood. The owners of the carpet and the vacuum cleaner apologized profusely. I told them I was okay. I had a few broken bones. Some deep lacerations. Possibly rabies. What's done is done. Just be more careful next time, I said.
But honestly, I ask you, how could anyone put a vacuum cleaner out on the curb when they know their neighbor's carpeting is out there, too? It's just plain crazy. Didn't they know the risks? Didn't they know I would be thinking about this all day?
8:23:55 PM  Random Nonsense
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