Meet your TSA agents
My name is Jenna, I’ll be checking your airline boarding pass against your personal identification. If you don’t have a boarding pass you’re not getting past. No exceptions. Hey, don’t yell at me. I didn’t make the rules. You need a boarding pass and that’s all there is to it. And I only speak English, so don’t start asking me a bunch of questions in friggin Hmong because I won’t know what you are talking about and it’s just gonna slow down the line and piss off all the other customers behind you and they’re gonna scream at me and, you know what, they don’t pay me enough for that shit. I’m just hanging with this job until there is an opening over at the Pizza Hut.
My name is Carlos. I’ll be telling you to take your computer out of your bag before putting it through x-ray. I’ll also remind you that TSA strongly recommends you take off your shoes before walking through the metal detector. Take my word for it, if you don’t take off your shoes we’re just going to assume you are a terrorist and put you through the full security screening on the other side. No fooling, man. Do yourself a favor. Take off your shoes. I love my job. Before this, I dug ditches for the cable company.
My name is Rhonda. I’ll be screening your carry-on baggage for weapons and explosives. I’ve been staring at this x-ray monitor for hours without a break. Honestly, I don’t know what the hell I’m looking at here. After a while, all these bags look the same. I start to imagine that I’m watching Montel Williams on television and that he’s interviewing ME and he’s telling me I’m hot and that I could be in movies. Then during the commercial break Montel asks me out on a date and I play hard to get even though I’m just melting inside. You know what I’m saying? Meanwhile, like twenty bags have gone by and I haven’t looked at a one of them. Oooh, I need a break. I have to pee real bad.
My name is Earl. I’ll be monitoring you as you walk through the metal detector. I’ll make sure you’re not trying to sneak any weapons through here on your person. You get one chance with me. If the alarm goes off when you walk through that detector, you’re screwed. You got change in your pockets? You’re screwed. You forget to take your watch off? Your screwed. You still wearing your shoes? Oh, you’re damn well screwed.
Hi I’m Nafiz. And I’m Maria. We’ll be wanding and patting you down if you set off the metal detector. Or if we’ve profiled you. Don’t forget the profiling, Nafiz. You’re right about that, Maria. Either way, we’ll pull you out of line and make you stand over here behind these ropes with your feet spread apart and your arms out ninety degrees from your body. Maria does the ladies, isn’t that right Maria? Yes, and Nafiz does the men. That way there’s no hanky-panky going on when we get a little close to the personal zones. Oh, and we’re not gay, so it’s not like we’re getting our thrills that way, isn’t that right Nafiz? Speak for yourself Maria. What are you saying, Nafiz?
Hello, I’m Doctor Singh. I’ll be taking you back into this windowless room should we need to do a more “thorough” screening. Sometimes people will go to great lengths to conceal a weapon from us. So, on occasion, it may be necessary to palpate your organs and perform a body cavity search. This may be a little uncomfortable for you, but don’t worry, I am a trained medical professional. You are in competent hands. Normally, it takes just a minute and you are on your way. Rarely, a biopsy of the large intestine is required. We have a fully staffed operating room on site and a comfortable recovery room with all the amenities of home. Hah! I’m just kidding. I’m not really a doctor. I’m just a technician in a white lab coat. I swab all the shoes and run them through this ion spectroscopy unit to test for explosives. Sorry, I’m a bit of a joker. Here are your shoes back. Have a nice day.
10:47:42 PM  Random Nonsense
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