Bud's back (Bud's blog #4)
Hey, Bud here. I been awqay for a long while. And when I say away, I mean away!!! Did some time at a correzction facility in Werst Virginia. It was a trumped up charge, let me tell ya. I prbobly shoulda fought harder to get off. But i didn't even call my lawyer on account of he was alreayd in prison himself. So I decided to represent myself this time. I figured Id just throw myself on the mercy of the court. Pleaded not gulity by reason of love. But the judge was this dickless noodle who said "that aint' no god damned admissable plea n shit." Well he didn't say the "n shit" part, but the rest was a direct quote.
This was the first time i went to jail for the love of a woman. Shes this really great chick. You all woud think so too. Well maybe not. I dont know. She might freak you out. Anyway, she's just right for me. Her nickname is RC on accounta that’s the cola her mother was drinking when she conceived her. Acording to RC, her momma was drinking an RC and smoking a Lucky Strike, keeping one eye on the clock, wondering if her man was ever gonna finish up. She was hoping to catch the opening monolog on the tonight show with Johnny Carson.
So anyway, I got a prerty lenient sentence for what I done. Probably cause I showed up to court smiling and thinking about my girl RC. The jury saw me sitting there all presentable and shit with my hair combed up nice saying "yes, sir" and "no, sir" and "you got that fucking right, sir" when the prosecuter asked me questions. I think the jurors kinda liked me or pitied me or something. Cause when theyy came back with their guilty verdict - witch they had to, cause I already admitted to doing the crime - they recommended community service. The judge said, "yeah, that'd be all right...that and one year hard labor." I told y ou he was a dickless shit-kicking noodle.
Anyways, I did my time and it wasn't no hard time at all. It was the easiest time I ever done. The warden took a liking to me. I told him my whole story on my first day, you know, during the prison orienteering. He laughed out loud and said he ain't never heard nothign like it. He didn't think I needed to be in prison for what I done. So he says I can come live in his house and serve out my time there playin pool with him int he evenings and telling him more of my stories. Tom Junior Jr, that's the warden's name. I joked about there must be a Tom Junior Senior if there’s a Tom Junior Junior, but Tom Junior Jr got all teared up and said he didn’t wanna talk about that. Later on when I stumbled on the shrine Tom Junior Jr had build to his daddy, out in the back shed, complete with a framed photograph, a couple of stolen church candles, a confederate flag and various frightenin taxerdermy experiments, I figured I’d leave that topic alone for good. The other thing was that warden Tom was recently devroced and taking it kiknd of bad, which was pretty damn obvious when you walked in his kitchn and saw the effergy of his exwife hangin by the neck over by the pantry.
None of that shit really bothered me, though. All people are a little bit weird, and the really weird people, well, ya just gotta keep an eye on them is all. I moved in with Tom, slept up in the spare room and told him everything I done in life. Didn't make nothing up because its all true. My lives a pretty big mess, but people find it interesting, so what the hell, I got no problem teling my stories. Specially if it keeps me on the outside of a prison cell.
Time just flew by. I spent my days on a work crew picking up hiway trash with some of the other guys in the prison. I wrote RC letters every day and read the one that she sent to me over and over again. Tom and I got drunk each night sitting at his kitchen table. We got to be pretty good friends. Wasn’t much oppertunaty to get in trouble so when my parole hearing came up Tom put a good word in fer me and I even got out a coupla months early.
Just before I left I helped Tom take down that effery of his ex-wife hanging by the noose in the kitchen. We got drunk together one last time, took a couple of handguns outside and blew away all the garden gnomes his old lady left behind. I sense that he’s healing inside and is ready to move on.
Im a free man again. Shit, that’s like the sixth time I’ve said that in my life. Too damn many times. So here I am living down in Jacks basement again. I don’t know what I’d do without that guy. He's always been there for me. I promised him I'd get my act together and this time I mean to.
It occurs to me that Ive been away so long a lot of you don't even know who I am. You all need to go back and read my other stories. See, this here is like a new beginning. Im gonna tell you everything that happened since I last wrote. And I'm gonna tell you all about RC, the love of my life. Im gonna ask her to marry me. Soon as she finishes serving her sentence. A fall wedding by my thinking. Probably in Vegas. Her mom works there and can get us a good deal on stuff.
Okay, now, go on and let me be. I gotta settle in. Jack just brought me one of his home brews. He says Its been aging since before I went to prison and that its one of the best hes ever made. Tween you and me, it tastes like piss water. Tomorrow I'll get some Pabst.
It's good to be home and shit.
6:10:30 PM  Bud's Blog
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