Aftershave
I was going through some old papers over the weekend when I stumbled upon a series of scripts that I wrote over a decade ago for a popular American Public Radio program. I never sold any of these scripts, but I still like them all these years later. Here is one called “Aftershave.” Imagine you are at the fragrance counter of a department store…
SS: Can I help you, sir?
WP: Yes, I’m looking for an aftershave that will rejuvenate my skin. Something that will really liven up my pores in the morning.
SS: Any particular brand?
WP: Something strong. Powerful. It’s got to penetrate this thick beard of mine.
SS: Hmm. Come closer, let me feel your face.
WP: Sure. Uhhh. Okay.
(SFX: STEPS…THEN…SANDPAPER UNDER FINGERNAILS)
SS: That’s one heavy beard all right.
WP: See? And I just shaved about an hour ago.
SS: Right. Let’s see…something strong. Here, splash a little of this one on your face. It’s
called Commando – for men who want to take control of their lives.
(SFX: HAND SLAPPING SKIN)
SS: Well?
WP: It smells nice, but – nope, nothing – I don’t feel a thing. I tell you, nothing gets through this stubble.
SS: Okay. Don’t get discouraged. Let’s try another. How about this one? Agent Provocateur – for men who want to take control of other people’s lives.
WP: That sounds like a good one. Let me try.
(SFX: HAND SLAPPING SKIN)
SS: Anything?
WP: Well, yeah, kind of a light tingling sensation, but not exactly what I would call a rejuvenating experience. You see, what I’m looking for is an aftershave that will wake me up in the morning, get me excited about the new day, help me seek out new challenges at work with the vigor of three men, and, at the same time, make me more attractive to women…maybe tighten up my skin a little here and, uh, here, too.
SS: That’s quite a lot to ask from an aftershave.
WP: Yes, I suppose it is. So, you don’t have anything else, then?
SS: We do have this new line of men’s skin care products. I don’t know anything about it. The shipment just came in this morning.
(SFX: UNWRAPPING PACKAGE)
SS: Here, let me spray a little of the cologne on your neck.
WP: All right.
(SFX: THREE QUICK SPRAY PUMPS)
SS: How about that?
WP: Wow!
SS: Yeah? You felt something there?
WP: Whooow! That…is…incredible. What is this stuff?
SS: It’s called Jalapeno – the aftershave for me who like a little spice in their life. It’s made in Mexico. Says here on the box that they pick only the strongest jalapeno peppers, which are then sent to the Yucatan peninsula where young virginal Mayan women chew them up and spit the residue into stone bowls.
WP: Unbelievable. This stuff is…great. My entire face feels like it is on fire. It’s bold, embracing…piquant, everything I could ever ask for in an aftershave. I’ll take it!
SS: Wonderful. So, let’s see…do you want that in the aftershave splash, the cologne spray or the Hellfire XXX salsa?
WP: It comes in a salsa? I’ll take the aftershave splash and a side of salsa. This is an amazing
product. My skin feels terrific. Hey, would you care to dance?
(MUSIC: MEXICAN THEME BRIDGE AND SCORE TO END)
SS: Here? Right now? To this Mariachi theme?
WP: Yeah. Why not?
SS: Well…okay.
GK: That’s Jalapeno aftershave – the morning pick-me-up for men with really thick beards. Splash some on your face or try a little on a tortilla chip with a dollop of guacamole. It’s really hot stuff.
(MUSIC: OUT)
9:34:56 PM  Stories
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