The Angry Blogger to the rescue
Me: Hey, Angry Blogger. Good to see you again.
Angry Blogger: Do I know you?
Me: Well, yeah. I created you, actually.
AB: Hey, did you just hyperlink on me? That’s very rude.
Me: Sorry. Look, I know you only exist inside my head, Angry Blogger, but I’ve always admired you as a character, and I could really use your advice.
AB: Is there something in this for me?
Me: Just my heartfelt thanks.
AB: You couldn’t even spring for a prepaid Starbucks card? Cheap bastard!
Me: Let me get right to the point. The thing is, how can I say this, I’m a bit tired of blogging.
AB: Good. Beat it. Hit the road, Jack. One less wannabe in the tread of my tires.
Me: No, you got it wrong. I’m not quitting. I’m just worn out, you know? I’ve been writing here for almost three years. Lately, I’ve been kind of busy at work. And in the evenings, I’m more likely to have a couple glasses of good wine and watch TV than start a blog post.
AB: I’m sorry, were you still talking? Didn’t you notice my eyes glazing over? That’s the international symbol for ‘I’m bored and want to go check my email.’
Me: Over the years, I’ve tried to pace myself. I don’t need to publish every day. It’s the quality of the story that matters to me. I write fiction, mostly. I’m at the mercy of my muse.
AB: Your muse isn’t fit to wipe the nose of my beagle.
Me: Okay, now that’s what I’m getting at. I really dig your conceit, Angry Blogger. How do you manage it? What fuels your unrelenting self-confidence and pique?
AB: Wifi, baby. The ability to write anywhere at any time. Blogging outside a seedy café while looking up the skirt of an attractive Midwestern babe caught unaware by a strong updraft off the Ohio river in March.
Me: Wow!
AB: Pretty good, huh?
Me: Yeah. I wish I could come up with a bon mot like that.
AB: See, this is part of your problem, Monsieur Proust. Using words like ‘bon mot’ in your writing instead of ‘an attractive Midwestern babe.’
Me: I suppose so. Say, you wouldn’t consider guest blogging for me would you? Just until I get back on my creative feet again.
AB: Get real, constipated boy.
Me: Well what do you suggest I do to jumpstart my desire to write?
AB: You really want to know?
Me: Of course I do.
AB: This is basic stuff. I can’t believe I have to explain it to you. Ready?
Me: Yeah.
AB: Close your eyes.
Me: Okay.
AB: Jump up and down in a circle five times.
Me: Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh.
AB: Now, quickly, reach behind your back, grab your balls and yell ‘gotcha!’
Me: Ouch! That just hurt. What the hell was the point?
AB: You wrenched your back grabbing your balls from behind on the advice of a fictitious character you call the Angry Blogger. Sit down and write, bucko. Enough excuses.
6:04:12 PM  Random Nonsense
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