Unlucky at luck
I don’t play the lottery as a rule. Basically, it’s a waste of money as far as I’m concerned. Yes, I know all the Pollyanna platitudes concerning the lottery. “Somebody’s gotta win and it might as well be me.” “You have to play to win.” “It’s my retirement, man, I’m counting on winning that money.”
I’m not a particularly lucky person, if there is such a thing as luck. And until I see some evidence to the affirmative, I would just as soon keep my money. Every so often, though, my resolve weakens. We’re talking years, possibly a decade, between lottery tickets. Something comes over me. I’m suddenly and inexplicably seduced by visions of me enjoying the spoils of a big time lottery prize. Me in my New York loft (“Oh, it’s just a little place I keep for writing.”). Me on a long, languid international holiday (“Think we should head on home, hon?” “Mmm, maybe next month.”). Me purchasing fabulous, hand-crafted stereo speakers for my new acoustically perfect listening room (“I don’t know, what model speakers does Bono have?”).
I was in one of those moods earlier this week. I dropped in at my local grocery store to pick up a French baguette for dinner. One item. All I had in my wallet was a twenty dollar bill. The clerk handed back $18 and change. Suddenly I heard the call of the lottery machine. Never had a lottery machine call out to you? Oh, she’s a slut alright, but she has some serious sex appeal. “Hey, baby, let me take that money off your hands; I’ve got what you desire.”
When I play the lottery, I play the “scratch-off” type. I’m too impetuous to play the numbers. I don’t want to wait until evening to see if I won. I need the instant gratification. Last time I played, the scratch-offs cost a dollar to play. The first thing I noticed this time is that most of the selections in the machine cost $2, $5 and even $10. The lure is that there are many more ways to win with these tickets. I stood and read about the various games. There are poker games, bingo games, golf games, circus games. In the end, the goal for all of the games is to try and beat the house. Whatever you scratch off has to be better than the control hand in order to win.
Having done my research I decided on a game of poker for $5. It had fifteen ways to win. I pulled out my fiver and was about to stick it in the yaw of the machine when I noticed something peculiar. The machine had a credit of $5. I looked around to see if someone had just stepped away for a second. Perhaps they had to use the restroom or chase after their toddler. But there was no one anywhere nearby. For whatever reason, somebody put money in this machine and walked away.
Now, as I’ve already said, I don’t consider myself a particularly lucky person, but if you’re looking for a sign of good luck, what better place to find it than a free $5 lottery ticket! This had to be a good sign. This would surely be a winning ticket. Maybe even a big winner. One hundred thousand dollars was the maximum payout for the ticket I had selected. Hey, why not me?
I pushed the button and out came my lottery ticket. The machine went back to a zero balance. The digital readout now instructed me to “Insert money.” I considered purchasing another ticket, since this one was free. But why? If this ticket was a winner, which it most certainly would be, why buy another one? Nope, don’t tempt the fates. Any idiot knows that.
I took my ticket (and the baguette, I almost forgot the baguette) out to my car. I pulled a coin from my pants pocket and started scratching. I could barely contain my excitement. The first poker hand was a bust. Not a problem, I thought. Where would the fun be in winning the very first hand? The second hand was also a bust. And the third. And so on until I was down to my last hand. Even that one was a dud. I was becoming dispirited but I had not lost hope. There was still the bonus scratch off at the bottom of the card. If the words “win all” appeared, I would win every prize on the card, which amounted to one hundred grand. Of course, it would come down to the last possible scratch off. If you are going to hit the jackpot, it should be in the bonus round for maximum dramatic effect. So, this was it. I slowly scratched away at the bonus square, would I win or would I…
Ah hell. Why belabor the point. I didn’t win. Fifteen ways to win and I came up empty – on a free ticket that might as well have been hand-delivered by Jesus himself. Damn, what a loser I am. Still, I take consolation in the fact that I didn’t lose my own money. What about the person who left $5 in the machine in the first place? Now, there’s a candidate for the cover page of Lottery Losers Digest.
Anyway, I’m done with lotteries for at least another decade. Which can only improve my odds. Ever notice that the really big lottery winners are always seventy year old grannies from West Virginia? Who knows, maybe by the time I purchase another lottery ticket I’ll have had that sex change operation. And West Virginia is only an hour’s drive away.
9:23:09 PM 
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