I like to think of parenting this way. Early on you are a checking account and your children are writing checks for all of their needs - clothing, food, shelter, entertainment. Later in your child's life you become a savings account. Your child occasionally makes withdrawals for emergencies and big ticket items like college. Then you become a loan officer. Your child is an adult and on his/her own but may in times of crises arrange for a loan. Loans differ from checking and saving account withdrawals in that they are to be paid back.
NO CHILD CAN CLAIM TO HAVE ARRIVED AT ADULTHOOD UNTIL THE RELATIONSHIP WITH PARENTS HAS EVOLVED INTO THAT OF "LOAN OFFICER."
Now, there is a sense that the parenting task never ends. But if it is not re-shaped by the age-needs of the child, it can become destructive. Early on, the parent's task is to "hover" over the child. Human young cannot survive without years of hovering. The problem is that we parents become so proficient in the task of "hovering," that it is hard to stop. Lots of our reason for existence comes from our task of "hovering." Our "hovering" can become a substitute for relating to a spouse.
Warning: Don't hover too long. Hovering that is intended to protect can in the end suffocate. The hovering hand can become the crippling hand if it clutches and clings too long. Hovering that makes young children steady is likely to make the mature child shaky and unsure of themselves.
I am a proponent of communicating to a child in the early teen years that they are expected to "be on their own" and out of the house by a certain age. This involves many things, but most importantly, that they become self-supporting by this age. I am convinced that a lot of teenage pregnancies would be avoided if the teenager knew that they were going to be free of parental restraints by a certain age. There would be no need of drastic measures to break free - kind of like the thrust needed for a rocket to leave earth’s atmosphere and gravitational pull. It would also quell some of the rebellion of the teen years.
Of course, communicating a date on which the child is expected to be independent will do something for the parents also. It will impress upon the parents that they do not have the next twenty years to prepare their child to take his/her place in society. They have only x-number of years to teach their child how to: work for someone and be an responsible employee, manage a checking account, use credit responsibly, take care of an automobile, including keeping their insurance up to date, and care of their hygiene needs, including the laundering of their clothes.
Regardless of marital state or age, no child can lay claim to having arrived at adulthood until they are physically, emotionally, and financially independent of their parents. Some parents mistakenly think they are doing their a child favor by giving them a financial stipend to supplement their low, early-on earning power. They are in fact, holding on to their son’s or daughter’s childhood and the adult child will quickly be resentful to their addiction to the cash flow and restraints that naturally follow.
Jewish families celebrate "Bar Mitsvah" and "Bat Mitzvah" as a time when their children become son/daughter of the commandments. It is a time when the child takes on personal responsibility for their faith. Christians have church membership or conversion as a time of taking responsibility for personal faith.
I think it is time that we have a celebration called "Bar Chayyim" and "Bat Chayyim" - son and daughter of life. It is a time that the child takes responsibility for their life needs. "Bar and Bat Chayyim" would be celebrated in the summer following high school or around the eighteenth birthday. Bar and Bat Chayyim would be a time when the child knew that they were expected to "be on their own" unless they chose to study at the university level, at which, the time would be pushed forward four years, but no more.
Bar and Bat Chayyim - it is an idea whose time has come!
