ROOTS AND WINGS
"Premarital Counseling for Parents" was the title of an article that caught my eye in a copy of "The Readers Digest." With partial tongue-in-cheek the author advised the mother of the groom, "Wear beige and keep your mouth shut."
The article started me thinking. I have had a lot of couples come to me seeking counsel for their coming marriage, but I have never had a parent seek pre-marital counseling for the task of being an in-law or the parent of a married child. A wise man might conclude that there was no market for that product or that there was a glut in the market, and never have begun a column on this subject. If, however, I am someday asked for pre-nuptial, parental counsel, the following is something of what we will talk about.
There are only two things that parents can give their children that last: ROOTS and WINGS. All of your child's life you have given him/her roots. Their roots let them know who they are by telling from whence they have come. Roots include a sense of family history and tradition. Ways to do certain tasks, rights and wrongs about issues, and idiosyncrasies that make one distinct, are all a part of the roots we receive from our families of origin. At the time of the wedding, the time for rooting is over. If the "plant" does not have a good set of roots it is too late. Continued attempts at giving directions and trying to "mold and shape" will be counterproductive.
A wedding is the time for fitting the adult child in a pair of wings. Set them free to sing their song. Somewhere in the back of my mind is a saying of the wise: "If you love someone, set them free. If they return to you, you possess them twice. If they do not, you never possessed them once." Encourage your adult child in their God-given task of leaving their family of origin. The oldest word in Scripture about marriage is: "Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother and cleaves to his wife and they become one flesh." (Genesis 2:24)
Send them off with your blessing! In our day parents will not be allowed to choose a mate for their son or daughter. Our choices, therefore, are reduced to two. We can bless the marriage or curse it. We bless the marriage when we are genuinely proud of our son's/daughter's choice. We can still bless the marriage even though we don't approve of our child's choice by affirming all that we see that is good. If we can't find anything to affirm, we are in bad need of help.
We curse the marriage by working against it, by criticizing our new in-law and his/her family, or by simply withholding our blessing. The marriage, in your opinion, may not have much of a chance of making it. It will have less of a chance with the weight of a parental curse upon it. I have actually seen parents curse a young marriage and work against it to preserve the integrity of their prophecy. They said it would not make it and "there, you see, by golly, it didn't."
The wedding is a time when the giving of roots comes to an end and the outfitting with wings begins. It is a time for the cutting of apron strings and pocketbook strings (if they have not already been cut). It is a time for exercising faith in your offspring. It is a time for believing in him/her, that he/she is fit for the challenge of life.
He who binds to himself a joy,
Does the winged life destroy;
But he who kisses the joy as it flies
Lives in eternity's sunrise.
- William Blake
Pre-nuptial counseling for parents of the bride and groom? It is an idea whose time has come! I am herewith hanging out my shingle.
