Families Matter

Fri, 05 Nov 2004 15:31:35 GMT

CHRISTMAS IS COMING!

Think back eleven months ago with me. Thanksgiving has passed, and Christmas shopping is in high gear. Do you remember how stressed out you were at your calendar crammed with activities - all of them "good" activities? Do you remember saying, "Next year I am NOT going let myself get over committed?"

Well now is the time to work on your calendar before you experience "Christmas calendar creep." Take your calendar down and write, "Be Careful!" in red ink across each week between now and Christmas. Make sure that you leave time for being with family every seven days. Overly obligated holiday calendars is a major cause of arriving at the holiday’s end out of breath and out of spirit. Holiday events add seasoning to this time of year. These events, however, can become like too much salt - ruining the very thing it intends to flavor.

Families with older children will have the greatest challenge. Teenagers have church and school activities that swell the calendar even if parents are very careful. Challenge or not, it can be done. What is often lacking is either planning or will power.

Your church’s Christmas music and pageants are wonderful ways to teach your children that Christmas is more than giving and receiving material gifts. There will be specials on TV that will enhance your holiday season. A new Tom Hanks movie, The Polar Express, is due to be released and is a "must see" for the Atkinsons — "I still hear the bells!" And there are the classic movies that help to put you in the Christmas spirit — It’s a Wonderful Life, Miracle on 34^th Street, A Christmas Carol, starring George C. Scott, etc.

These are all good, but BE CAREFUL! Too much of a good thing will turn your holidays into a stressed filled nightmare.

And then, if you want to be assured of arriving at Christmas at peace and with a spirit of good will, determine to do something for someone who cannot return the favor. Perhaps this will be for an older person or a disadvantaged family. The act of doing something for others will do wonders to restore sanity to what is often a hectic time. Share of yourself, not just of your means. Focusing on someone in need is one way of refusing to give in to your own problems.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Sat, 09 Oct 2004 15:31:59 GMT

THE GOD GENE

Dr. Dean Hamer, Ph.D. graduate of Harvard Medical School, is a geneticist working in the National Institutes of Health, seeking to find the genes that guide human behavior. Genetics is the "hottest ticket" in the field of human behavior these days.

In the early 1990's, Dr. Hamer discovered a "chunk" of genes linked to homosexuality and the study affirmed what many were saying, "Homosexuality has to do with how a person is created. Some are created heterosexual and some are created homosexual."

In the late 1990's, a gene mass was linked to monogamy. Now, we can predict whether a person will stray from their marriage vows by their DNA. With a DNA test, you can tell whether or not you are marrying someone who will be faithful to you. If your intended does not have the "monogamy gene" you can decide if you are willing to put up with their philandering behavior and if not, call the wedding off.

I recently read of a gene linked to belief in God. The presence or the lack of this gene explains why some people are religious and others are not. Those with the "god gene" actively attend church, synagogue, mosque or temple and they practice the tenants of their faith. And what of the priests, pastors, monks, rabbis and imams? - these folk have the "god gene" in spades.

Two things interest me in our recent genetic revival: the swing of the pendulum, and the discounting of the "choice factor." When I began my graduate studies, environment was linked to human behavior. We thought a baby came into the world like a blank tablet and all of the messages of behavior were written on this tablet by his/her environment. The adult was determined by the nurture the baby received or did not receive. There was little interest in considering the "choice factor" as a powerful determiner in behavior.

At one time (the period of the reformation with John Calvin} religionists touted that people were determined by God’s election (predestination). Here, again, choice was discounted. People had no choice! God chose some to go to heaven and some to go to hell.

Here is my best take on this subject - There are three factors that figure powerfully into determining our behavior and the persons we become: genetics, environment, and choice. All three factors are powerful. Environment and choice can alter genetics; genetics and environment can influence choice. But choice can override genetics and environment. We have choices even if they are reduced to how we will respond to what happens to us, and these choices are that for which we are responsible to society and ultimately to God.

Here is the good news. If I am in the mess I am in because of the choices I have made and not because of my genetic structure or my environment, then I can make other choices that will make life different for me. Accepting responsibility for my behavior is tough, but it is our only hope for a better life.

Fri, 01 Oct 2004 14:36:44 GMT

CHILDREN AND GRIEF

Children are the forgotten mourners at funerals. Often they experience significant losses during their teen and pre-teen years: a treasured grandparent, a favorite aunt or uncle, a sibling, or a parent. And it is important to remember that they too have deep feelings and would appreciate having someone with whom they can share.

Try to find ways to encourage the child to tell you how they feel. They may ask, "What is heaven like?" Answering with a questions like, "What do you think?" is better than a ready-made answer.

You do not have to have an answer for every question a child has. It is more important to treat the question with the respect of listening than it is to have an answer. Children will understand if adults around them do not have "all of the answers." Do not tell them half truths, or untruths. These will not be helpful in the long run.

And do not try to choke off children's grief and pain. Allow them to express their suffering. Hold them and let them cry. The main thing is to let children know you care.

Make sure that they have some object that was meaningful to their loved one. It helps to have an aid to assist in remembering. I have some tools that belonged to my grandfather in my workshop. I never use them. They are outdated and newer tools work better. But on occasions, I pick up those tools and remember a grandfather working on his old cars and trucks - he was a machinist for Southern Pacific Railroad.

Let me recommend a book for children ages five through seven or eight - "My Grandfather’s Hat," by Melanie Scheller. The author chronicles a young child’s remembrance of his grandfather through the treasured object of an old hat.

Grieving is not an event, it is a process. The loss of someone you love is not something you "get over," it is something you learn to live with. I am often asked, "How long does grieving take?" My stock answer is, "It takes as long as it takes." And most of the time it takes a long time to learn to live with the loss.

If you have a child, however, that seems to be stuck in his/her grief, contact your local Hospice folk. These folk, like Israel’s Servant, are "acquainted with grief" (Isaiah 53:3). Hospice organizations often offer grief workshops for children.

Another resource for helping your child become "unstuck" in their grief is your pastor. Schedule a visit your pastor or a children’s minister if you attend a church with a large staff.

If church is not a workable solution, check out a mental health provider in your community. Look for one who specializes in children’s mental health. The main thing is not to overlook a child who is grieving.

Fri, 17 Sep 2004 13:47:00 GMT

TRAIN UP A CHILD

September 18, 2004The Columbine incident and similar incidents in Arkansas, Kentucky and elsewhere have all of us asking, "What is with our children? Where are we going wrong? What can we do to keep this from happening again?"

As long as violence, carried out by children and adolescents, was confined to our inner cities, most of us were not overly distressed. I am sure we were thinking something like, "What else do you expect. Bring up a child in a crime, drug, violence infested environment and you will reap a violent, drug-using, underage criminal. You get what you sow. It is as simple as that."

What we have experienced in recent months is senseless violence coming out of our rural areas - areas previously thought to be safe from the war zones of our inner cities. May I suggest that the problems are complex sociologically and psychologically. Simple answers and blaming are not likely to be found helpful.

The Bible speaks of "training a child in the way he should go and even when he is old he will not depart from it" (Proverbs 22:6). Traditionally we have understood this PRESCRIPTIVELY. We have perceived this verse as a promise, i.e., if you do "X" then "Y" will happen. I think we should understand this verse DESCRIPTIVELY. Descriptively, this verse speaks of the powerful influence of parental training. "Train a child and he/she will never be able to get away from that training."

Children may and often do choose a different "way" from that to which they were directed by their parents. We are all free moral agents and responsible for the choices we make. But parental training is so powerful that in order to choose a different way, the child has to go against everything their instincts tell them is the right way - the correct way.

The fact is, "train a child in the way he should not go and when he is old he will still be effected by that training." Adult children of alcoholic parents and dysfunctional homes can testify to this truth. Children never get a way from their training. Sometimes they overcome a terrible "bringing up," but they never completely "depart from it." A child brought up in the way he should go may reject that way, but they will never completely get away from it.

Early childhood training is powerful. Parents have an awesome power and a terrible responsibility. No one needs to tackle the job of parenting without help from God. One of the tasks God has assigned to his church is to help parents "train their children." Albert Schweitzer, on his last trip to the United States, said: "The most important thing for your children to do as they are growing up is to see you worship." You say, "Well, my children do not understand the sermon and other aspects of the liturgy. " They do not have to understand. They don't need to comprehend all that the preacher is saying or all that is happening. What the old missionary/theologian was saying was, "Children need to see their parents look to Someone beyond themselves for direction and guidance. They need to see their parents worship." "Train up" means setting the example---worshiping with your child and saying by your example that seeking direction from God is important.

Next Sunday would a good time for families who are not accustomed to worshiping regularly to start a new habit. Remember, "training up a child" involves more than telling - more than disciplining - it involves showing. "Show a child the way he should go, and that truth will be with him all of his life." Proverbs 22:6 TAV (The Atkinson Version).

Fri, 10 Sep 2004 17:10:46 GMT

MATCHMAKER MATCHMAKER. . .

Heather Stern operated a professional matchmaker service ten years ago. She considered her Chicago company an executive search firm. Hopeful brides and grooms were questioned regarding their job history, marital status, physical health, financial health, and personal habits. Stern and her staff then prepare a list of possible matches. Two years into her service she boasted of over 100 marriages without a single divorce. If she is still operating her search firm, I suspect she is no longer batting a 1000, but would be able to put up some impressive statistics.

Stern charged $1,450 for a two-year effort to find a mate for her clients. One of her clients whom she successfully matched had this to say about the service: ‘The chances of meeting somebody nowadays in urban areas who is really suitable for you and who is going to be on your level in terms of intelligence and your life goals has got to be one in a thousand."

In biblical times, families were responsible for making marital arrangements for their young people. The choice of a lifetime mate was too serious a matter to leave up to youthful whims. Sometimes a matchmaker was secured by the family - witness the wife-finding task given to Abraham's chief servant in Genesis 24. The closest thing to this done by modern families is to send their child to a denominational university. Our culture simply mumbles a few words about love and says to its young in the matter of finding a life's companion: "Good luck!"

Some of you would agree with Stern’s client above. You are single. You want to be married, but Mr./Ms Right has not come along. I don't suppose there is anything wrong with consulting a professional match maker, but some of you have family and friends who are filling this role with crusading zeal. I want to suggest that you can also consult God. He listens to our prayers - even prayers for a marriage partner.

Add this one thing to your prayers. Look for your potential marriage partner in places where someone who has your values is likely to be "hanging out."

"Unless the LORD builds the house, its builders labor in vain..." (Psalms 127:1)

Thu, 09 Sep 2004 04:54:11 GMT

ROOTS AND WINGS

"Premarital Counseling for Parents" was the title of an article that caught my eye in a copy of "The Readers Digest." With partial tongue-in-cheek the author advised the mother of the groom, "Wear beige and keep your mouth shut."

The article started me thinking. I have had a lot of couples come to me seeking counsel for their coming marriage, but I have never had a parent seek pre-marital counseling for the task of being an in-law or the parent of a married child. A wise man might conclude that there was no market for that product or that there was a glut in the market, and never have begun a column on this subject. If, however, I am someday asked for pre-nuptial, parental counsel, the following is something of what we will talk about.

There are only two things that parents can give their children that last: ROOTS and WINGS. All of your child's life you have given him/her roots. Their roots let them know who they are by telling from whence they have come. Roots include a sense of family history and tradition. Ways to do certain tasks, rights and wrongs about issues, and idiosyncrasies that make one distinct, are all a part of the roots we receive from our families of origin. At the time of the wedding, the time for rooting is over. If the "plant" does not have a good set of roots it is too late. Continued attempts at giving directions and trying to "mold and shape" will be counterproductive.

A wedding is the time for fitting the adult child in a pair of wings. Set them free to sing their song. Somewhere in the back of my mind is a saying of the wise: "If you love someone, set them free. If they return to you, you possess them twice. If they do not, you never possessed them once." Encourage your adult child in their God-given task of leaving their family of origin. The oldest word in Scripture about marriage is: "Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother and cleaves to his wife and they become one flesh." (Genesis 2:24)

Send them off with your blessing! In our day parents will not be allowed to choose a mate for their son or daughter. Our choices, therefore, are reduced to two. We can bless the marriage or curse it. We bless the marriage when we are genuinely proud of our son's/daughter's choice. We can still bless the marriage even though we don't approve of our child's choice by affirming all that we see that is good. If we can't find anything to affirm, we are in bad need of help.

We curse the marriage by working against it, by criticizing our new in-law and his/her family, or by simply withholding our blessing. The marriage, in your opinion, may not have much of a chance of making it. It will have less of a chance with the weight of a parental curse upon it. I have actually seen parents curse a young marriage and work against it to preserve the integrity of their prophecy. They said it would not make it and "there, you see, by golly, it didn't."

The wedding is a time when the giving of roots comes to an end and the outfitting with wings begins. It is a time for the cutting of apron strings and pocketbook strings (if they have not already been cut). It is a time for exercising faith in your offspring. It is a time for believing in him/her, that he/she is fit for the challenge of life.

He who binds to himself a joy,

Does the winged life destroy;

But he who kisses the joy as it flies

Lives in eternity's sunrise.

- William Blake

Pre-nuptial counseling for parents of the bride and groom? It is an idea whose time has come! I am herewith hanging out my shingle.

Thu, 09 Sep 2004 04:49:11 GMT

Fri, 03 Sep 2004 15:14:22 GMT

GOD'S LABOR DAY

This is Labor Day weekend. It has always seemed odd to me that when we celebrate the gift of work we do it by ceasing our labor.

Actually, Labor Day was conceived in 1884, by Grover Cleveland as a day of honoring the working person in our country. We honor the working person by giving them a day off.

Today, it seems to me that the day serves more as a closing bracket to summer for which Memorial Day is the beginning bracket.

Nothing in our daily lives impacts the family more than the work we do. Let someone in the family lose his/her job and the family enters into extreme stress. The loss of a job is almost as stressful as losing a close loved one.

Ours is a day when most families have to have two paychecks in order to live at the level of affluence they have chosen. And when inflation eats up our buying power, the automatic solution for some of us is to get another job - part time work - work another day or two. When this happens, the gift of work becomes a curse. Relationships with God and family are suspended or put on hold, and life begins to be a grind.

Men and women were created to work, but as the writer of Ecclesiastes says, "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven..." (3:1). There is a time to work and there is a time to cease from working. When people disregard the great rhythms of life such as work and rest, things begin to break down.

To help us remember that we were created for more than work, the Creator planned a Labor Day into every week. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the LORD your God. On it you shall not do any work,..." (Deuteronomy 5:13-14).

If you disregard God’s "Labor Day," it won’t be long before you will find that you have become a slave to your appetites, constantly crying, like little Oliver Twist, "Please, sir, can I have more?" You will have become little more than a consumer of expensive trash - a hurrier after fantasized pleasures.

Labor Day comes around and reminds us that we are made for more than labor - so we cease from laboring on Labor Day. God’s "Labor Day" comes around weekly to remind us that there was a time when we were slaves and had to work seven days a week. But now we are God’s free people and we announce our freedom by our cessation from work. "Remember that you were slaves in Egypt and that the LORD your God brought you out of there with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm. Therefore the LORD your God has commanded you to observe the Sabbath day" (Exodus 5:15).

On the Lord’s "Labor Day" we bring the gods we have made before the God who made us, and He frees us from their enslaving power.

And for those whose job requires them to work on Sunday? You will have to be resourceful. Find ways to celebrate your status as "God’s Free People" at other times. Wednesday may become God’s "Labor Day" for you and your family. You may even need to have worship in your house with significant others from your church family on a day other than Sunday or Wednesday.

But what ever you do, don’t let anyone steal your Labor Day!