Communication Magnets

If it were not for those wonderful little magnets that stick to the refrigerator door, some families would go weeks without transmission of any message between family members. I read about a family that left messages as to whereabouts on the refrigerator. One day four messages appeared on the refrigerator door: "Gone walking," "Gone shopping," "Gone flying," and "Gone crazy." The last note was unsigned.

Teenage family members are legendary in their practice of avoiding conversation with parents and other family members. They will talk to other teens by the hour on the phone. They will talk to teachers. They talk to total strangers in shopping malls. They talk to themselves and to volunteer firemen, but some teens will not, under any circumstances, talk to their parents.

I often hear parents complain: "I can't get through to him/her. He/she simply will not listen." Other complaints have different words, but the theme is the same. "Talking to my son is like talking to a post." "My daughter never tells me when something is bothering her." "Every time we try to talk about something significant it always ends in an angry explosion." A lot of parents who were able to talk to their pre-teen children are seemingly unable to talk with their children during the teen years.

Lack of communication within a family system is a complex, many-faceted issue. Books have been written and courses designed around the gaining of skills in communication. I want to offer one little suggestion that might improve talking in your family. Try to focus on achievement. Give lots of attention to successes.

There is a flip side to the problem. Listen to what some teens say to teachers and others to whom they talk: "My parents never listen to what I say," "My parents never say anything to me unless I do something wrong," "My parents never talk with me, they lecture me or talk down to me."

Sometimes parents are guilty of contributing to the communication impasse. Teens are encouraged not to talk when more attention is given to mistakes and failures than to successes and accomplishments. When a teen cleans his/her room five days out of seven, which gets the attention of the parents, the successes or the failures? Usually Mom or Dad zeros in on the two failures rather than the five successes.

Does it not make sense that regularly focusing on failures will discourage talking? Would anyone communicate with a boss who constantly criticized job performance? Most employees would look ways to avoid talking to such an employer. And when they could not avid it, they would keep their conversation to a minimum.

Adolescence is a time of ego development that cannot tolerate a lot of criticism. Parents of teens need to become skilled "good-finders" for these difficult days. Becoming skilled at being able to point out the good will not immediately transform your adolescent into a "motor mouth." It couldn't hurt, however. And it just could be the cement that holds the family together during a difficult time. And I would hazard a guess that focusing on successes and achievements will produce more desired behavior than pointing out mistakes and failures. Try it before you leave me a comment telling me that it won't work in your family.